Argus Hamilton's column for 1-31-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Caroline Kennedy endorsed Barack Obama on Monday and annointed him as the heir to John F. Kennedy's legacy. We'll have to wait and see. If Barack Obama's wife is not going to let him smoke, she's certainly not going to let him date Angie Dickinson.

Mitt Romney said Thursday he will spend millions of his own fortune to run for president. He noted Hillary and Barack each raised one hundred million dollars to run. The White House is the only house in America that has gone up in price this year.

The Directors Guild approved the new contract Monday in Hollywood. They insist it's a great contract which pays Internet residuals, but they didn't want to strike. Each and every director thinks he is God, and if God strikes, it takes FEMA forever to get there.

Shaquille O'Neal listed nearly a million dollars in monthly living expenses in divorce papers he filed last week. He's in for one expensive lesson. Poker isn't the only game that starts out with holding hands and ends up in staggering financial loss.

Jessica Simpson sued a tabloid Friday over an article saying Tony Romo broke up with her. She's a stunningly beautiful blonde. A blackjack dealer once told Jessica Simpson to use her head when she bets, but she felt really stupid pushing chips across the table with her nose.

Barbara Walters said Monday she's been contacted by Britney Spears' manager Sam Lufti. The manager said Britney's had some mental issues. The last straw was when she got up on the roof of Cedars-Sinai hospital and tossed bread crumbs to the helicopters.

Tesla Motors of California got a waiver Monday from the government requirement that all cars have air bags. They're going to make an all-electric car. They successfully convinced the government that an air bag will not save you from electrocution during a rainstorm.

Al Gore's cable TV channel Current will go public, making him a billionaire this year. He's got an Oscar, a Grammy, a Nobel Peace Prize, a fortune in Google stock, and now this. Saddam Hussein made the mortal mistake of being the next guy to lose to George W. Bush.

President Bush promised the country in his State of the Union speech Monday he will spend his final year in office getting rid of wasteful and bloated government programs. It's not a surprise. His parents always taught him to pick up after himself.

President Bush urged the Iraqi parliament to pass an oil revenue law that will split oil royalties among Sunni, Shiites and Kurds. The idea is to make everybody too rich to fight. Republicans believe as an article of faith that money can beat swords into sand wedges.

The Bush administration admitted Saturday that a top secret U.S. spy satellite is completely out of control and about to fall to earth. No one's exactly sure why it's falling out of the sky. It's possible that Dick Cheney thought it was a duck.

Wall Street awaited news from the Federal Reserve Tuesday about an interest rate cut. They were worried the stock market would crash again. The bears are much stronger on Wall Street after they spent the off-season working out with Roger Clemens.

Choate Preparatory School canceled a scheduled speech by Karl Rove on Monday because they wanted an informational speech, not a political speech. Kids might learn a little too much from him. Karl Rove knows so much that Google just made a takeover offer for him.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-30-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush gave his State of the Union speech Monday in the U.S. Capitol. A loud knock on the House chamber door signaled his arrival, followed by his introduction by the usher. Republicans celebrate the King Holiday a week later, and with their own king.

Las Vegas officials told MGM Mirage Sunday that the Monte Carlo hotel will not be allowed to reopen until the facade that caught fire last week is removed. The facade runs all along the top of the hotel. Let's see Hooters compete with a topless hotel.

Heath Ledger was hailed Monday as a star who broke ground playing a gay cowboy in Brokeback Mountain. It had never been done before. Sodomy is acceptable to the average American moviegoer only if it's performed by an experienced insurance company.

Californians vote Tuesday whether Indian tribes may expand their casinos. The tribes have a persuasive ad campaign. That rain dance they did last week in Los Angeles was so effective, it has everybody wondering if they also do a blackjack dance.

Ted Kennedy broke from the Clintons Monday and endorsed Barack Obama. It's dire news for Democratic party unity. If the alcohol wing of the party splits from the adultery wing, only the dogfighting wing will be left to take on the Republicans.

Barack Obama won the South Carolina primary on Saturday, increasing the chances that America could soon have its first black president. It shouldn't matter at all. The ozone layer is being depleted so rapidly that pretty soon everybody will be black anyway.

Bill Clinton started a war with the Barack Obama campaign in South Carolina on Sunday by comparing him to Jesse Jackson. It's a great place to open fire. If you can't get people riled up for war in South Carolina, you should get out of show business.

President Bush got a lukewarm reception to his State of the Union address from his own political party Monday. He's simply not pulling his weight. After walking downstairs to work for seven years, he's not using enough oil to maintain his Republican party membership.

President Bush's State of the Union speech called for U.S. troops to remain in Iraq for decades in a plan he calls protective overwatch. It doesn't matter what he calls it. Democrats are going to withdraw so fast that the plan will be approved by the pope as an acceptable form of birth control.

Barbara Bush told the National Archives Friday it hurts her more to hear criticism of her son than of her husband. There's no place to hide from it. She used to enjoy watching the History Channel until the men in her life began getting more airtime than Germany.

President Bush threatened Iran Monday but he added that America has no quarrel with the Iranian people. Everyone appreciated the gentlemanly touch. Five years ago, he destroyed Iraq's infrastructure and economy and hanged their leader, but he couldn't have been nicer about it.

Governor Kathleen Sebelius of Kansas delivered the Democratic party response to the State of the Union speech Monday. Her look was subdued and her tone was grave and her delivery was homespun and earnest. She makes Hillary Clinton look like Charo.

Mitt Romney cast off his formal look while campaigning in Miami in the Florida primary Monday. He stood on stage in a traditional Cuban peasant shirt with the shirt tail hanging over his belt. It's the first time his wife ever saw him without a tie.




Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-29-08

OKMULGEE--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The Monte Carlo hotel in Las Vegas erupted in a spectacular fire on its top floor Friday which fire marshals blamed on an air conditioning duct. It raised a red flag. Everybody wants to know how al-Qaeda was able to hijack an air conditioning duct.

Egypt protested Tuesday when Palestinians dynamited holes in their border wall in Gaza. Tens of thousands of Palestinians flooded through the openings to go shopping in Egypt for needed goods. Mexico aired it live on the Fine Living channel.

Heath Ledger's masseuse told New York cops she called Mary-Kate Olsen when she found his body. Tabloids are asking if he had a drug problem. If Mary-Kate Olsen is the first person you call, he had a drug problem; if you call Ashley Olsen, he died of starvation.

Shaquille O'Neal released his living expenses in divorce papers Friday showing he spends two hundred fifty thousand dollars a year on gasoline. How conspicuous is that? It's so much gasoline that President Bush wants to know if we can invade him.

President Bush gave his State of the Union speech to Congress Monday. The Vice President, the Cabinet, and the Joint Chiefs were there. John Daly was kept away in a secret location so that in case of catastrophe we would have continuity of government.

Saddam Hussein's FBI interrogator, George Piro, was interviewed Sunday on CBS' 60 Minutes. He said the jailed dictator was charming and funny and was always trying to flirt with his nurses. Bill Clinton didn't overthrow him out of professional courtesy.

Pulitzer Prize winner Steve Coll has a new book coming out this week about Osama bin Laden's family. It reveals that his dad died in a plane crash and his sister survived crashing a Cessna in Florida on her first solo flight. The World Trade Center might still be standing if Osama bin Laden had alcoholism run in his family like everybody else.

Congressman Steve Wexler collected two hundred thousand signatures Friday calling for impeachment hearings. It's too late. We engaged in pre-emptive war, torture, kidnapping and illegal wiretapping, and history will show the only one who went to jail was Kiefer Sutherland.

Tiger Woods won Sunday at the Torrey Pines Golf Club in La Jolla, where Wall Street brokerage firms had corporate tents on the course. It was the wrong weekend to have stockbrokers standing on a steep cliff above the ocean. The golf announcers could only pretend they were hang gliders until they were out of camera view.

Mitt Romney's poll numbers went up in Florida polls last week when he adopted Barack Obama's call for change. Now everyone's doing it. Even stockbrokers are asking for change, usually while sitting on the sidewalk in front of the 7-Eleven.

Bill Clinton's critics said Sunday if Hillary's elected president, he would hog the media spotlight. It's a selling point. Elect the Clintons and the next time the tabloids have space for Britney Spears or Paris Hilton, they'll be forty-five years old.

Southern California was lashed by driving rain and snowstorms in the mountains Friday as high winds and flooding hit the valleys. Mudslides and avalanches followed the next day. Living in California is like being married to a beautiful woman who's always sick.

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer proposed legislation Friday to tax cocaine sales. Street dealers would have to buy two-hundred-dollar tax stamps from the government and then affix a tax stamp to each packet of product sold. The idea was first proposed two hundred forty years ago and King George figured it couldn't hurt.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-28-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Wall Street pulled off a stunning three hundred point comeback Wednesday after a global market sell-off Monday. Uncertainty permeates the stock exchange. Nobody knows which securities are backed by mortgages and which are backed by Super Bowl bets.

Eli Manning leads the New York Giants into the Super Bowl a year after brother Peyton Manning did it with Indianapolis. It's amazing. Tom Cruise is having to deny rumors that his wife has been impregnated by frozen sperm belonging to Archie Manning.

Shaquille O'Neal released his list of living expenses on Thursday showing that he spent two hundred fifty thousand dollars on gasoline in the last twelve months. He is so smart. He got out of real estate and into gasoline at exactly the right time.

Phil Mickelson played the Buick Invitational in La Jolla despite his recurring cough. He has the same breathing problems that plague his neighbors in suburban San Diego. Everybody in Rancho de Second Mortgage likes to blame it on the brushfires.

St. Louis University's just-hired basketball coach Rick Majerus told a reporter he's pro-choice, causing a firestorm. It's a Catholic school and administrators feel betrayed. The only reason they took him in is because he looks twelve months pregnant.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama broke into an open brawl Tuesday during South Carolina's debate before a record-size cable audience. History was made. Usually you have to go all the way to Darfur to see a fight this nasty with no white males in it.

Bill Clinton made headlines again Wednesday fending off attacks from all sides on the trail. One campaign is all about health care, one is all about unity, one is all about the working classes, but the voters aren't fooled. It's always about Bill.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama battled over personal qualities Tuesday. They have the same position on health care, the Iraq war, national security and the economy. And that position is, my campaign's historic and you're not going to stop me.

Mike Huckabee courted the evangelical voters Friday ahead of tomorrow's Florida primary. He drew cheers expressing his concern about the amount of sex on television. When will Republicans learn that sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg slammed the White House and Congress Tuesday for the economic stimulus package which he called shortsighted. He declared that the jig's up. A man with that much money shouldn't bait Al Sharpton with language like that.

Mitt Romney said the world can't ignore Iran like it ignored Adolf Hitler. It's a numbers game. He thinks he can lock up the twenty percent of Americans who still support President Bush by showing that he has what it takes to lie us into another war.

Dick Cheney called for Congress to authorize permanent warrantless wiretapping Wednesday. Conservatives are horrified. Just because Dick Cheney isn't cheating on his wife doesn't mean other Republicans want to let Hillary Clinton listen to their calls.

The White House tried to prevent recession on Friday in the wake of Wall Street jitters, the mortgage crash and spreading foreclosures. It's clear what happened. The president offered the devil his soul if he could make Iraq look like a success story.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-27-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The London Exchange led a worldwide stock market crash Monday. Wall Street was closed for a national holiday and avoided the panic. Now that Martin Luther King has prevented a stock market crash maybe Republicans will show up in the parade next year.

Super Bowl ticket prices skyrocketed Monday as New Yorkers scrambled for seats in Phoenix. Scalpers charged ten thousand dollars per ticket on eBay. The tickets themselves are just a thousand dollars, the rest of the price is gas money to Phoenix.

Fox Network said Monday it's charging Super Bowl advertisers three million dollars for a thirty-second ad. The ads are always fun to watch. Britney Spears once endorsed Dr. Pepper and it was enough to cost him his license to practice medicine in California.

New York Yankees star Johnny Damon flew to Orlando Tuesday to endorse Rudy Giuliani for president. The centerfielder is famous for his amazing likeness to paintings of Jesus. His endorsement was widely seen as the last nail in Mike Huckabee's coffin.

Bill Clinton fell asleep onstage in a Harlem church during Martin Luther King III's speech Monday. It was sad to see the son of the great orator putting a crowd to sleep. The apple never falls far from the tree, unless that tree is on a steep hill.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama debated in South Carolina Monday. They stood side-by-side and fired volley after volley at each other, neither giving an inch. Forty minutes into the debate Lord Nelson was hit by a cannonball and died below deck.

Barack Obama snapped at Hillary Clinton Monday when she and her husband criticized his Illinois voting record. They had better back off. Even tigers at the San Francisco Zoo wouldn't risk attacking anyone who just quit smoking after twenty years.

Barack Obama announced Monday he has set up a truth squad to respond to untruthful statements from the Clintons. He thinks that'll keep them honest. Ken Starr laughed so hard that the walls shook at Pepperdine University and caused a mudslide in Malibu.

Hillary Clinton was endorsed by the United Farm Workers Union Tuesday. It brought back wonderful old memories. When she and Bill were first married, making speeches before a Republican crowd was the only way they could get their fruits and vegetables.

Fred Thompson quit the GOP race Tuesday after he finished third last week. As GOP counsel during the Watergate hearings he uncovered Nixon's secret tapes. Fred Thompson is a hero to the reformers in the Republican Party, so he has no support at all.

President Bush and congressional leaders met Tuesday to negotiate federal tax rebates to stimulate the economy. They're talking around eight hundred dollars. Hillary endorsed it, Obama doubled it and Rudy Giuliani suggested nine hundred eleven dollars.

Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini overruled President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Tuesday. They are having a cold winter and Ahmadinejad was trying to keep poor people from getting cheap natural gas. He was just trying to convince Dick Cheney they're on the same side.

Wall Street opened Tuesday with a four-hundred-point plunge and then fought back when the Federal Reserve issued an emergency interest rate cut. The cut made money cheaper for banks and mortgage lenders to borrow. It was the fiscal equivalent of giving the original cast of NBC's Saturday Night Live a bulk rate on cocaine purchases.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-25-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Daily Variety said Monday that Oliver Stone will shoot a movie about President Bush and his rise to power. It tells how an alcoholic found Jesus, then was put in charge of a standing army and a nuclear arsenal by the American voters. It's a comedy.

ABC News will air a documentary about Queen Elizabeth in which the cameras had unprecedented access to Her Majesty's private life. It even shows her shopping with Prince William on the streets of London. Finding the right wife can take all day.

Kiefer Sutherland finished his two-month jail sentence for drunk driving this week. He was born under a lucky star. During the writer's strike he's been the only actor in Hollywood who didn't have to worry about where his next meal is coming from.

Britney Spears stupified news anchors Monday by talking to reporters in a very thick British accent. She doesn't fool Social Services with this little trick. There is no way anybody will ever give her legal custody of Madonna's children.

Chuck Norris said Sunday John McCain is too old to be president of the United States. That's how to get to him. The North Vietnamese used to tell John McCain he looked forty years old when he was thirty, and he still doesn't like to talk about it.

The Congressional Black Caucus held a Democratic presidential debate on Martin Luther King Day in South Carolina. Before the debate, CNN ran an ad by the National Cotton Council of America. They had to give them the ad free under the equal time rules.

The White House was accused in Congress Friday of erasing four hundred days of in-house e-mails. The administration said it happened during a software conversion. Not even a laptop can work at this White House until it's had a come-to-Jesus moment.

The Kingdom of Dubai finished construction Monday on an all-suites residential tower on the ocean, with doctors and a golf pro on call just like room service. You might call it a destination resort. The marquee out front reads The Old Oilman's Home.

Newsweek detailed Monday how President Bush has destroyed the GOP coalition of Wall Streeters, libertarians and creationists. His base is really mad at him. Mike Huckabee fell off the edge of the earth distancing himself from President Bush Sunday.

President Bush marked the holiday Monday with a trip to the Martin Luther King Memorial Library. He was awestruck by all the books and microfilm and archival material available to anyone. If he had a third term he would do something about that.

Bill Clinton fell asleep onstage while sitting at a Harlem church Monday at a Martin Luther King memorial service. He nodded off in a chair behind the pulpit. It was the worst possible time and place to explain he has been working like a slave.

Rudy Giuliani fell behind John McCain and Mitt Romney in Florida Monday. It was a big mistake for him to skip Nevada. If Rudy could have been photographed standing next to an imploding hotel, it would have propelled him right to the top of the polls.

Oil and Gas Journal reported Monday that a huge natural gas field has just been discovered in Brazil by drilling rigs in the interior. Now we have no choice but to invade Brazil. If they've got a matchbook, they've got weapons of mass destruction.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-24-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The New England Patriots play the New York Giants in the Super Bowl in Phoenix in ten days. Most of the nation doesn't care which team wins. At this point people are just glad they are going to play the game and not debate a dozen times beforehand.

The Weather Channel said the cold winter in the Midwest and South is likely to continue due to a northern jet stream. The meteorologists say El Nino is long gone. Apparently he went back home when the slump hit the housing and construction industry.

The PGA Tour begins its California swing this week with the Buick Invitational at Torrey Pines in La Jolla. Buick is the perfect car for people who live in La Jolla. It sends a message to kidnappers that you are right on the edge of foreclosure.

John Daly withdrew from the Bob Hope Classic Saturday citing a rib injury but he was fine the night before when he went out drinking. He has admitted he's got a few issues. John Daly's got more than a few issues, he's got an entire year's subscription.

Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps secured his title as the World's Fastest Swimmer Saturday by winning twice in Long Beach. He's a world hero. To the people of Cuba their president may be Fidel Castro, but their man with the plan is Michael Phelps.

U.S. News and World Report said Hillary Clinton, if elected, won't ask her husband to handle social duties. They'll have a social office. It'll be staffed by Arkansas state troopers since they have the most experience managing Bill Clinton's social life.

Barack Obama began airing endorsements from fellow senators Tuesday. His peers say they noticed his humility when he first came to Capitol Hill. Humility is the trait that's widely believed in Washington to be the first sign of unbridled ambition.

Pope Benedict was disinvited from speaking at a college in Italy Friday due to his opposition to evolution. He works at his own pace. Pope Benedict likes to stay one step ahead of the Nazi hunters and two years behind the Kansas Board of Education.

President Bush indicated Tuesday he will maintain current troop levels in Iraq for the remainder of his presidency. He's being consistent. President Bush isn't going to order U.S. troops home until someone convinces him that there's oil in America.

President Bush's proposed presidential library location at SMU remained on hold Monday as a campus debate raged over whether to house the Bush Institute. It's a chance to be part of history. Among presidents George W. Bush has no equals, only superiors.

Hillary Clinton noted in the South Carolina debate Monday that as a lawyer, Barack Obama once represented a notorious Chicago slumlord. It's in a neighborhood that is very dangerous. When families there plan their budget they allow for hold-up money.

John McCain courted the Cuban vote in Miami as he pulled into the lead for the Republican Party nomination. He was a little self-serving. John McCain told them that just because Fidel Castro is old, that does not mean he's going to die in office.

Osama bin Laden's son Omar bin Laden said in Cairo Monday that he's calling upon his father to change his ways and renounce terrorism. The son is a building contractor. Of all the reasons ever given for Osama bin Laden to blow up buildings all over the world, no one ever considered that it might be to throw his son a little business.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-23-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Rudy Giuliani vowed Sunday in Florida to defend America from those who hate us, but he's fallen in the polls. His old message is no longer working. Now that we're paying a hundred dollars a barrel they still hate us, but they're in no rush to kill us.

The New York Giants beat the Green Bay Packers Sunday in subzero weather. They were forced to play at night by the Fox Network. Leave it to an ally of the Bush administration to come up with a new way to torture Americans with Muslim first names.

UCLA infuriated their basketball fans Saturday by banning anybody from getting John Wooden's autograph at courtside. He simply can't shake the hand of every fan who wants to meet him. At ninety-eight he can't afford to catch everybody's head cold.

Commissioner Bud Selig got a lucrative contract extension Friday from baseball owners. What a swell bunch of guys. The New York Mets wanted to name their ballpark Jackie Robinson Stadium but his widow could only come up with two million dollars a year.

The New York Post said the Associated Press bureau chief in Los Angeles ordered his reporters to cover Britney Spears. She's now real news. Los Angeles may not have much mass transit but we have a train wreck every other night on Sunset Boulevard.

Lindsay Lohan was ordered to work in a morgue Friday as part of her community service sentence. This is insane. Within the year the makers of formaldehyde will be paying Lindsay Lohan millions of dollars to endorse their product as a party drug.

Hillary Clinton addressed a Harlem church on Martin Luther King Sunday. She is a real Methodist. When Hillary was first asked to speak on King Sunday she checked the church calendar to see if this year is King James, King Charles or King George III.

Barack Obama spoke at Ebenezer Baptist Church in Atlanta Sunday. The Democrat may become the first black president. The only way Republicans will have a black president is if Dick Cheney takes the oath of office wearing his Darth Vader costume.

Barack Obama said Monday he will confront Bill Clinton about recent inaccurate statements. Barack Obama says we're one nation, John Edwards says there are two Americas, Bill Clinton says he's changed his ways. Clearly, somebody is lying.

Chuck Norris said Sunday John McCain is so old his vice president will probably finish his first term. It's awful. The next day John McCain was deluged by calls from fellow senators offering to endorse him in exchange for the vice presidential nod.

Congressman Henry Waxman said Friday the White House staff erased four hundred days of e-mails. Now they can't investigate anything. The Kansas School Board just required all science classes in Kansas to teach that open government is just a theory.

Russia delivered half a ton of nuclear fuel to Iran Sunday, which couldn't help but attract the attention of the Bush administration. Now we know why there are no Iranians onboard the Starship Enterprise. It's because Star Trek is set in the future.

Cuba held parliamentary elections throughout the island Sunday. There was only one name on the ballot in each district and no campaigning allowed. For the forty-ninth year Fidel Castro was unanimously elected president by a vote of one to nothing.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-22-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The Palazzo Hotel and Casino had its grand opening on the Las Vegas Strip over the weekend. The place is just huge. The hotel offers all three kinds of gambling--a casino, a wedding chapel, and a banquet room for the Democratic presidential caucuses.

Bobby Fischer died Friday at the age of sixty-four. The chess genius descended into madness later in life with his anti-American ravings. There are no firm rules about who's sane and who's insane, the definition is made by the people with the key.

Russia's General Yuri Baluyevsky said on Saturday Russia could use its nuclear weapons in preventative strikes. It's nothing to worry about. Yes, it's true that one of their missiles shot down a satellite last month, but they were aiming at China.

Mitt Romney won the Nevada GOP caucuses by a big margin on Saturday. He was finally in a situation where being a Mormon helped him. The caucuses were held at nine in the morning on Saturday, and in Las Vegas the Mormons are the only ones up at that hour.

Fred Thompson finished fourth in the South Carolina primary Saturday. He could be very proud of his candidacy. No actor got more airtime during the writers' strike than he did except Britney Spears, and Fred Thompson did it wearing underwear.

Hillary Clinton swept almost all the casino caucuses in Nevada Saturday except the one at Caesar's Palace, won by Barack Obama. That itself was surprising. People just assumed that any place with an emperor would automatically be for President Bush.

ABC News reported Friday that hookers in Nevada are asking customers to give their tips to the Ron Paul campaign. He's a gynecologist and he's for abolishing the IRS. Ron Paul is the second-best friend a hooker ever had, just behind the Shriners Convention.

Ron Paul's supporters celebrated Saturday when he finished second behind Mitt Romney in Nevada. They know it's not over. They figure that after the prettiest candidate is disqualified over old nude photos, the first runner-up will be declared the winner.

Mike Huckabee did great in South Carolina's GOP primary due to the evangelical turnout. Freezing weather kept turnout low. It was so cold in South Carolina that protesters were demanding Admiral Byrd's flag be taken down at the state capitol.

John McCain won in South Carolina Saturday by supporting the Iraq war. Two-thirds of the voters there say they're satisfied with President Bush's record. The state that fired the first shot in the Civil War has no problems with pre-emptive war.

John Edwards was routed and embarrassed in Nevada's primary Saturday, receiving only four percent of all the votes cast. He never had a chance to win the votes of those casino workers. John Edwards is in favor of soaking the rich, and that's their job.

Hillary Clinton ripped President Bush for having to ask King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia to lower oil prices. There had to be some hurt feelings when he refused. Abdullah is such a close friend of his dad's that President Bush calls him Uncle King.

Rudy Giuliani campaigned in the Florida Everglades Saturday in the state where he urgently needs a primary win. He knows how to curry favor in a swamp. Rudy gave the alligators the day off and wore a cotton golf shirt with a little terrorist on it.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-21-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The San Francisco Zoo victim just confessed he was drunk and taunted the tiger into attacking. The tiger was taunted by a drunk and now he's dead. The only difference between the tiger and Saddam Hussein is that President Bush still denies he's drinking.

Mayor Mike Bloomberg was in Austin Friday to meet with a former Ross Perot man who is an expert on ballot access. He looks like he's going to run for president as an Independent. If you're tired of presidents who talk to Jesus, he could be your guy.

Green Bay was named America's most overweight city in a national health survey published in a journal last week. It must be true. At the tailgate parties before Sunday's title game at Lambeau Field, the fans were all doing Thousand Island shooters.

Golfweek magazine fired its editor Friday for putting a noose on the cover, referring to a bad joke on the Golf Channel last week. The sport must be careful. Al Sharpton watches the Golf Channel the same way that lottery players watch the ten o'clock news.

World Chess legend Bobby Fischer died last Friday in Iceland. He once beat the Soviet champion and the IBM supercomputer in successive matches. Bobby Fischer was eulogized as the only man in the world who routinely referred to Bill Gates as Retardo.

President Bush proposed tax rebates to hold up a sinking U.S. economy Friday. It wasn't all bad news. For years President Bush said terrorists hate America because of our freedom and prosperity, and today they have to think of a new reason to hate us.

President Bush gave a speech Friday calling for Congress to pass a one hundred and fifty billion dollar stimulus package. Reaction varied. Hillary Clinton called it only a start, Mike Huckabee expressed his wholehearted approval, and Barack Obama said it is dirty pool to bring up his youthful experimentation with stimulus packages.

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson addressed reporters Friday about the proposed stimulus package. The need is urgent. The home mortgage crisis hit a new low that night when three of the network news shows did feature stories about squatter's rights.

Washington D.C. police sent the bomb squad to the U.S. Capitol Friday to check out a truck abandoned by a man they caught with a shotgun. He also carried a bow and a Samurai sword. He was quickly taken into custody and named Assistant Secretary of State.

Bill Clinton lost his temper at a reporter when asked Wednesday if he's trying to suppress Nevada turnout. Everyone understands why the former president is so agitated. It's the tenth anniversary of the Monica Lewinsky scandal and he's due again.

Mitt Romney tried to connect with Las Vegas voters on a personal level Friday in campaign stops. He doesn't gamble, drink or cheat on his wife, but he can do one thing no other candidate can do for the Nevada voter. Mitt Romney can buy their house.

Barack Obama raised the ire of Democrats Wednesday by praising Ronald Reagan's vision. That's as far as his wife would let him go to carry Nevada. She put her foot down when he tried to put a Confederate flag on the back of his campaign bus.

Arnold Schwarzenegger warned of a huge budget deficit Friday. He may order ten percent spending cuts. He doesn't want to go to Washington to ask for help because he's afraid if he goes to Capitol Hill he'll be dragged into a steroid hearing.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-20-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The New York Stock Exchange was a bloodbath Thursday as investors lost billions. It was a massive sell-off. Investors should have seen this coming the moment Jessica Simpson rang the opening bell wearing Charles Schwab's football jersey.

Green Bay hosts New York and New England hosts San Diego in the NFL conference title games today. Both games will be played in five-degree weather. If it ever got that cold in Los Angeles there would be an emergency playing of the Lingerie Bowl.

The Directors Guild avoided the fate of the Writers Guild Thursday and reached a deal with producers. It only took six days. It's no surprise the directors got everything done in six days as it says right on their business cards that they're God.

The Los Angeles School District paid a fee Thursday to demolish the Ambassador Hotel and Cocoanut Grove nightclub and build a high school. It was once everybody's top stop for dancing, drinking and one-night stands. Who can ever forget high school?

Psychology Today published a study Thursday of the likes and dislikes of schoolchildren in America, which revealed that most children hate clowns. It's not just the children who hate clowns. Why do you think Congress has such low approval ratings?

Congress drew up an emergency stimulus bill Thursday which could give everyone in America five hundred dollars. It won't help at all. If people take the money to Wal-Mart it stimulates China and if they take it to the gas station it funds terrorism.

President Bush returned from his eight-day trip to the Middle East on Thursday where he made an admirable impression on everybody. The monarchs in the Arab world all had the same question for him. How does he get away with those signing statements?

Las Vegas casinos were permitted to be used as caucus sites for Democratic party voters in Nevada yesterday. The casinos are full of hot waitresses in thongs and bikinis. Bill Clinton has to be led through the state with horse blinders on his head.

Hillary Clinton gave a speech in South Central Los Angeles Thursday and quoted Martin Luther King in an attempt to reach out to black people. The audience just stared at her. If her advance people had done their homework she would have quoted Cesar Chavez.

Mike Huckabee is trying to find the Michigan lady who handed him her grandmother's wedding ring last week because she had no money to give him. He's so much like Nixon. Mike Huckabee is trying to find her so he can remind her that everyone has two grandmothers.

Mike Huckabee backed South Carolina's right to fly the Confederate flag at its capitol Thursday. He declared that outsiders have no right to tell them how to live and what flag to fly. This is the scene in Gone with the Wind where Rhett Butler warns everybody at the barbecue that there's not a cannon factory in the entire South.

The South Carolina primary got nasty toward the end on Thursday. One hate group got its dirty campaign literature mixed up. They passed out flyers which brought up John McCain's past cocaine use and accused Barack Obama of fathering a black child.

Oprah Winfrey got her own cable network Monday to add to Oprah's talk show and Oprah's magazine, Oprah's book club, Oprah's girls school and Oprah's presidential candidate. She's almost there. She just signed a deal with eye surgeons to have her image put on the back of everyone's eyelids so that we even see Oprah in our sleep.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-18-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

UFOs were seen by dozens of people in the skies over central Texas Monday. The ships were described as huge and shiny and lightning fast. The only explanation science can offer is that the Germans were showing off again at the Detroit Auto Show.

The Food and Drug Administration ruled Tuesday that cloned sheep and cloned cattle are safe to eat. It's scary. If cloning is successfully tested on humans we could be alternating Bushes and Clintons in the White House for the next two thousand years.

President Bush flew to Egypt Wednesday where he was greeted by President Hosni Mubarek on landing. It was his eighth country on the trip. President Bush kissed so many Arab men this week that he was mistaken for Princess Diana at three of his stops.

O.J. Simpson was hauled in front of a female judge Wednesday in Clark County Courthouse in Las Vegas, where she gave him a scalding lecture assailing his common sense and intelligence. The woman ripped him to shreds. What goes around comes around.

The American Civil Liberties Union said Wednesday that sex in a public bathroom stall is private and legal. It's sad. All the work that public health officials did to convince people they cannot get AIDS from a toilet seat is pretty much down the drain.

The Green Bay Packers host the New York Giants Sunday on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field, where the weatherman is forecasting a high of twelve degrees and a low of five degrees. Summer up there is pretty short. It generally falls on Tuesday.

The American Red Cross announced Wednesday it is having to cut staff jobs due to a decline in donations last year. What could people do? After their mortgage lenders came after their blood in the fourth quarter, there was little left for the Red Cross.

Hillary Clinton won the debate with Barack Obama and John Edwards Tuesday. She somehow got Obama to give up the race issue and Edwards to stop saying how poor he used to be. All women have to do is threaten to cry and men just do whatever they say.

Hillary Clinton told Tyra Banks this week she'll hold a contest to pick a name to call her husband if she's elected president. She was humoring the host. No one seriously thinks Hillary Clinton needs any help thinking of names to call her husband.

Mitt Romney faced religious questions in South Carolina Thursday. Five million Mormons are descended from several dozen families who settled in Utah only eight generations ago. Never believe a Mormon who says that football is his favorite sport.

John McCain restated his opposition to the Confederate flag Wednesday in South Carolina. He loves telling people what they don't want to hear. He told people in Michigan their jobs are never coming back, he told South Carolina the Rebel flag is wrong, and when he gets to California, he plans to tell everybody their actual age.

Mike Huckabee said Tuesday the Constitution must conform to the Bible. This is insane. The Bible prohibits the eating of shellfish, and the Republicans have no shortage of Episcopalians they can nominate if Mike Huckabee wants to outlaw lobster.

President Bush hailed Palestinians for their new democracy Monday. It's a noble experiment. The idea is to take a nation that's one-third snipers, one-third bomb makers and one-third kidnappers and see what happens when you give them majority rule.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-17-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Bush marched with King Abdullah in a Saudi Arabian parade Tuesday. He did it for posterity. Someday when daughter Jenna Bush runs for president she'll be the only Republican candidate in history who can say that her father marched with King.

The Green Bay Packers combat the New York Giants for the NFC title Sunday with the game time temperature forecast at ten degrees. The players are bracing for it. The trainers have their syringes ready but it turns out anti-freeze is a banned substance.

Commissioner Bud Selig testified before Congress about steroid use in baseball Tuesday. He represents team owners and they're furious. All the billions of dollars they raked in during the steroids era is being devalued by the plummeting U.S. currency.

A Year with the Queen was bought Tuesday by ABC, which will air the documentary film about Queen Elizabeth's private life and public duties. The ratings should be tremendous. The less Americans like our presidential choices, the better Plan A looks.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John Edwards discussed their policy ideas and legislative proposals in a debate before a crowd in Las Vegas Tuesday. It was their audience. People only come to Las Vegas because they want something for nothing.

Mitt Romney won the GOP presidential primary in Michigan Monday. High gasoline prices worked for him. Auto industry voters suddenly realized it would be nice for the country to have all the oil it will ever need right there in the president's hair.

Mitt Romney's win in Michigan followed Mike Huckabee's win in Iowa and John McCain's victory in New Hampshire. All the Republicans have won one primary. Like a really bad poker tournament, the nomination's going to go to the first candidate who draws a pair.

Hillary Clinton was the only Democratic candidate on Michigan's primary ballot Monday after Barack Obama and John Edwards dropped out. Her opponent on the ballot was a box marked Uncommitted. It's the first time she's ever run against her husband.

Hillary Clinton went on offense in Tuesday's debate and explained the source of her policy ideas. She declared that her program is based on the voices she's heard for thirty-five years. The last thing we need are two presidents in a row who hear voices.

Barack Obama played down his support for nuclear energy Tuesday in Nevada. If there's a nuclear accident at a proposed nuclear waste site in Nevada, it could be hell. The whole economy of Las Vegas would collapse if people could see through cards.

Condi Rice made a surprise visit to Baghdad Tuesday in the middle of President Bush's Middle East tour. She met with the prime minister and told him not to squander any more opportunities. He agreed he should take the pill that works for thirty-six hours.

President Bush did the sword dance when he marched in a Saudi Arabian military parade Tuesday. He swayed left and right in perfect choreography with a Saudi honor guard as they marched down the street together arm-in-arm with swords held high. If it looked any gayer he would be impeached by the Cowboy Hall of Fame in Oklahoma City.

Wesley Snipes arrived in federal court in Florida on Monday to stand trial for failure to pay his income taxes for years. If the federal government incarcerates him they'll never get their money back. Prison movies never do well at the box office.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-16-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Britney Spears caused a riot Monday when she arrived hours late at Los Angeles Court for her child custody hearing. It had its effect on the ruling. The judge seemed to agree that the infant boys are no longer capable of caring for their mother.

Peyton Manning appeared in a cookie commercial with brother Eli Manning during Sunday's football game that many viewers found creepy. The two grown men competed to lick the creme off a cookie. It made the Tony Awards look like a John Wayne movie.

Princess Diana's butler told an inquest Monday that Diana's mother called her a whore for dating Muslim men. The princess descended from one of England's noblest families. Only the beer lines at Daytona have more Earls in it than the Spencer family.

The White House tried to calm the currency markets on Monday after rising gold prices added to fears of a coming recession. The dollar hit a new low. Ever since George Washington went to Cabo San Lucas with Jessica Simpson, he's been off his game.

Dallas Cowboys star Terrell Owens cried at his press conference Sunday after losing to the New York Giants. He got a lot of support. Hillary Clinton called him in the locker room and told him that if he really wants to win he should cry before the game.

Bill and Hillary Clinton went on the air Sunday to defuse black outrage at them over remarks on race. It was great fun. The best show in politics is watching the Clintons hanging upside-down in a straitjacket and seeing if they can get out alive.

Hillary Clinton hosted a staff meeting in the Polo Lounge of the Beverly Hills Hotel on Friday. The bar offers a twenty-five dollar martini. It's made with two ounces of Bombay gin and a splash of unleaded supreme, so they are selling it at cost.

Barack Obama called a press conference in Reno Monday to try to calm down the tone in his primary contest with Hillary Clinton. It pits a candidate from the oppressor gender and victim race against someone from the oppressor race and victim gender. It has Democrats spinning in circles so fast they're too dizzy to vote.

Barack Obama said Monday Hillary Clinton's reference to Martin Luther King last week was unfortunate. She said it took President Johnson and Congress to get the Civil Rights Bill passed forty years ago. It is totally against the spirit of today's Democratic party to say anything nice about a president with a ranch in Texas.

BET founder Bob Johnson brought up Barack Obama's past cocaine use in a speech Tuesday. The candidate was raised in Los Angeles in the atmosphere of the late Seventies. Barack Obama was halfway through Harvard before he found out that blow is also a verb.

President Bush arrived in Riyadh Monday and announced the approval of advanced weapons sales to the kingdom. It was his first visit to Saudi Arabia. For crying out loud, he's been president for seven years, it's about time he met with the owners.

The Globe tabloid quoted two White House sources who allege President Bush is drinking again. He's making progress in other areas. In March he will receive a birthday cake at his Countries Anonymous meeting because he hasn't taken a country in five years.

The Pentagon backed off its claim that Iranian Navy speedboats threatened over the radio in a silly Darth Vader voice to ram U.S. Navy ships and destroy them in the Persian Gulf. All you have to do is look at the video. If the Iranian speedboat crews had been suicide bombers they wouldn't have been wearing orange life vests.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-15-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The Dallas Cowboys were shocked by the underdog New York Giants and eliminated from the NFL playoffs on Sunday. The fans are outraged. Next weekend every Sunday school in Dallas will be reading children the Old Testament story of Tony and Delilah.

O.J. Simpson was flown back to Las Vegas and jailed on Wednesday. This is a town that lets you drink alcohol on the streets and gamble and buy hookers twenty-four hours a day. It takes an athlete of O.J. Simpson's caliber to break the law in Las Vegas.

The Detroit Auto Show unveiled fifty new models for six thousand journalists Sunday. The new sport utility vehicles are larger than ever. The average American car weighs fifty percent more than it did twenty years ago but then so does the average American.

Bill Clinton made black people feel betrayed last week when he implied that Barack Obama's candidacy was a fairy tale. They protected him against Republicans. Bill Clinton is the first white Southerner to move into Harlem for his own personal safety.

GOP candidate Ron Paul scheduled another huge Internet fundraiser this holiday Monday. It's a perfect date. It allows him to tell Michigan voters the fundraiser is on Martin Luther King's birthday and South Carolina voters it's on Robert E. Lee's.

Rudy Giuliani spoke at an evangelical church in Miami Sunday. They like him the more they hear him. For the Second Coming to occur, the world must come to an end, and the evangelicals have sized up Rudy as the most belligerent candidate in the race.

Mike Huckabee said a woman in Michigan told him on Friday she had no money to donate so she offered him a gold ring. He took it. It's an example of why fortune tellers are promising comedians eight years of Nixon jokes if Huckabee gets elected president.

Hillary Clinton went on NBC's Meet the Press Sunday to answer charges that she has made unflattering remarks about civil rights heroes. She looked puzzled when she was asked about the King criticism. She would never criticize Elvis, she's married to him.

Hillary Clinton accused Barack Obama of injecting race into the campaign. Last week, her husband said the word fairy in the same sentence as Obama's name, and she just used the word injections. Now that the Clintons have implied that he's gay and shares needles, Barack Obama could carry California without even campaigning out here.

Hollywood movie producer Jon Peters was sued twice for sexual harassment last week. He was sued by his office maid and his house maid. Whoever said Viagra only costs ten dollars a pill must be the same guy who said Iraq's oil will pay for the war.

The Globe tabloid showed scratches on President Bush's face when he returned from Crawford as evidence of marriage trouble. Things have changed. When Bill Clinton used to come downstairs with scratches on his face you knew he was having a good week.

President Bush was welcomed to Bahrain by King Hamad bin Isa al-Khalifa Saturday at the royal palace. The king gave the president Bahrain's highest award. President Bush was thrilled to be awarded Employee of the Month but he doesn't need the parking space.

President Bush continued beating the war drums against Iran Sunday in a speech in the United Arab Emirates. It never ends. The president said the government of Iran is the most dangerous government in the entire world, but he's just being modest.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-14-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

O.J. Simpson was flown to Las Vegas and jailed on Friday for bail violation. The value of his memorabilia is way up. The blood at the crime scene tested negative for steroids the day he set an NFL record for most number of people killed in one day.

Tarnished Heisman is a new book detailing a sports marketer's claim that he handed Reggie Bush three hundred thousand cash while he was still in school. It's like that for all USC star athletes. The moment they turn pro, their best earning years are behind them.

Marion Jones went to prison Friday for lying about steroids and Barry Bonds has been indicted for lying about steroids. It's so sad. If they had it to do all over again they would have lied about weapons of mass destruction and saved the legal fees.

The Palazzo hotel is set to open in Las Vegas on Friday and it's fifty stories tall with a huge showroom. The Strip is always growing and changing. Three of the old hotels are scheduled for implosion just as soon as al-Qaeda can get a free weekend.

Homeland Security announced Friday that in six years all driver's licenses will be tamper-proof national ID cards. It's a red alert. Everybody in Los Angeles now has six years to pick a year of birth they can get away with on camera and stick to it.

Dr. Ron Paul's presidential campaign set up a new information blog Friday. It's called the Daily Dose. When the retired gynecologist found out that his staffers had named their blog the Daily Dose, he wrote everyone a prescription for penicillin.

Bill Clinton was a guest on Al Sharpton's show Friday after he was slammed in the black community for calling Barack Obama's story a fairy tale. The remark galvanized both sides of the racial divide. Within hours the black community solidified behind Barack Obama and the Los Angeles police offered Bill Clinton a badge and a patrol car.

President Bush stopped in Kuwait City on his Middle East trip Friday. He tried to start a war with Iran while he was in range of their missiles. Before he even returns home Congress might change the name of the presidential plane to Air Head One.

The White House announces today it will sell Saudi Arabia twenty billion dollars worth of jet bombers with precision-guided bombs. Not to worry. We're also going to sell Israel twenty billion dollars worth of anti-aircraft missiles to shoot them down.

President Bush informed Israel Thursday that they must end their occupation of Palestinian land they took in a war. It was awkward. The Israelis were too polite to tell President Bush that under his theory, he has to give his ranch back to Mexico.

Scotland Yard detectives arrived in Pakistan to render an honest investigation into Benazir Bhutto's assassination last week. it's about time. No one believed the military government's announcement that Benazir Bhutto was killed by an escaped tiger.

Hillary Clinton was campaigning door-to-door in Nevada Friday when one man told her his wife was illegal and Hillary told him that no woman is illegal. She misspoke. What she meant to say is that there's nothing a woman can do in Nevada that's illegal.

Hillary Clinton was advised to skip the South Carolina primary on Friday after Barack Obama opened up a double-digit lead. That's very good advice. Barack Obama's ancestors were black on his father's side of the family and slave owners on his mother's side, so it is completely pointless to run against him in South Carolina.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-13-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo went to Mexico with teammates before today's game with New York. It was an audible. No one thought of going to Mexico just before a big game until Roger Clemens gave the team a pep talk and told them never to trust a trainer.

Congress moved baseball's steroid hearings back a month Thursday. They want to depose players under oath before they testify. Roger Clemens' lawyer told him to take the fifth, but he's afraid the Wild Turkey will interact with the steroids and kill him.

The PGA Tour published its anti-doping manual for players last week, which lists banned substances. Along with steroids the list includes hemorrhoid creams. That means the older Tiger Woods gets, the harder it's going to be for him to sit on a lead.

Sir Edmund Hillary died at home in New Zealand Thursday. He was the first ever to scale Mt. Everest fifty years ago. When the newspaper landed on Bill Clinton's driveway with the headline Hillary Dead, he called Hooters and asked if they do wakes.

Fox News anchor Brit Hume moderated a GOP debate Thursday and he snarled every time Ron Paul was cheered for demanding for a pullout from Iraq. The network must keep the war going for the ratings. Who's going to watch Nursery Stories with Oliver North?

Britney Spears vacationed in Mexico Wednesday with the photographer who picked her up on Sunset Boulevard the day before, when her Mercedes-Benz had a flat. She is just using him. Most cupholders are inanimate objects on the driver's armrest.

President Bush embarked on a week-long trip to the Middle East Wednesday. He plans to visit eight countries throughout the region and apply his unique talents to the quest for peace. The president began in Israel on Wednesday, where he uprooted a tree.

Iran aired its video and audio of the naval confrontation with the U.S. Thursday showing that nothing happened. The U.S. tape ends with a deep theatrical voice promising an explosion. James Earl Jones was waterboarded for an hour before he agreed to record it.

Senator John Kerry endorsed Barack Obama for president on Tuesday. He has real credibility in the party. He lost the presidential race four years ago when any idiot could have beaten President Bush, but John Kerry proved he's not just any idiot.

Karl Rove wrote a Wall Street Journal editorial in which he called Barack Obama lazy. He said the senator is given to misstatements and exaggeration and bluffing. There's no doubt Karl Rove thinks Barack Obama has what it takes to fight the Iraq War.

Barack Obama addressed crowds in New Jersey and South Carolina after Tuesday's loss. He said America is ready for a new generation of leadership. Hillary Clinton immediately called her agent and told him she is not ready to play the Bob Dole roles.

Hillary Clinton thanked New Hampshire voters on Tuesday for nudging her into being less programmed onstage. She insisted that she's spontaneous and unscripted now. It would have been more convincing if she hadn't put on her glasses to read it.

The Justice Department said phone companies have cut off FBI wiretaps because the bureau doesn't pay its phone bills. It's a win-win-win. Conservatives applaud the return of privacy rights, liberals are happy to thwart the FBI, and terrorists can go back to having phone sex without fear of being embarrassed at their military tribunals.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-11-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Hillary Clinton took off the gloves against Barack Obama Wednesday. Everyone's looking forward to this match-up. It promises to be such a dogfight that Michael Vick has to vote Republican just to keep from violating the terms of his plea bargain.

The Iranian government accused the Pentagon Wednesday of fabricating the video and audio of Iranian gunboats threatening U.S. warships. It had better not be true. The Writers Guild forbids the United States from making up stories during the strike.

Tony Romo spent last weekend in Mexico with Jessica Simpson, where she promoted her new movie and revealed her plans to record a country album. He's way out of his league. Tigers are fenced off at the Los Angeles Zoo to guard them from actresses.

Britney Spears abandoned her Mercedes-Benz on Sunset Boulevard Monday when the car had a flat. She flagged a ride home. Social Services in Los Angeles will hold a hearing next week to decide if she should ever be allowed to drive a Mercedes again.

President Bush was briefed on Iraqi reconstruction efforts Monday at the White House. The country is going to begin promoting tourism. There's always plenty of parking because most of the people who drive in from neighboring countries just blow up.

Barack Obama supporters blamed their defeat in New Hampshire Tuesday on what's called the Tom Bradley effect, where people tell pollsters they will vote for a black candidate but don't in the voting booth. It's a great victory for democracy. Why should candidates be the only ones who are allowed to lie about what they're going to do?

Senator Larry Craig's lawyer appealed his lewd conduct bust in an airport bathroom. It just isn't fair. They strip everyone down at airport security and expect senators to control themselves, which is like asking the pilots to stop at half a beer.

Golf Digest reports Tiger Woods made a hundred and twenty million dollars last year and he will be a billionaire in two years. Good for him. Swinging a golf club is the most unnatural act in sports except for winning the Cy Young award seven times.

Terry Bradshaw said Tuesday he'll retire when his contract ends in three years at Fox Sports. He just appeared nude from the back in the movie Failure to Launch, prompting protests from theater owners. These guys live and die on their concession stand sales.

Bill Richardson dropped out of the presidential race Wednesday after a valiant effort. He needs to get back home. It's been so long since he was in New Mexico the voters were starting to believe that they had outsourced the job of governor to India.

Mike Huckabee gave the sermon Sunday at the Crossing Evangelical Church in New Hampshire. It may have backfired on him. When Hillary Clinton and John McCain won Tuesday, New Hampshire broke Israel's all-time record for most number of resurrections.

Hillary Clinton's win Tuesday was attributed to her teary-eyed moment in a New Hampshire diner. It had to happen eventually. Sooner or later waitresses in the state were going to start automatically adding a fifteen percent gratuity to the bill.

Rudy Giuliani began his presidential campaign in earnest on Monday in socially conservative Florida. The former New York mayor is pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, pro-gun control and once did skits in drag on Saturday Night Live. Nobody ever considered the possibility that the World Trade Center attacks were orchestrated by Pat Robertson.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-10-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Bush began a peace trip to the Middle East on Wednesday. No one doubts that he means well. With cameras rolling Tuesday, President Bush stood next to the president of Turkey on the White House lawn and issued his annual Thanksgiving pardon.

French president Nicolas Sarkozy vacationed in Egypt this week with supermodel turned singer Carla Bruni. He divorced his wife last summer and began going out with supermodels. It just shows how much the French admire our system of quarterbacks.

Tom Cruise angrily denied reports Monday his daughter Suri was fathered by the frozen sperm of late Scientology founder Ron Hubbard. It could kill him at the box office. What kind of a leading man has a wife who cheats on him with a turkey baster?

Men's Health magazine this month lists ten ways for men to help improve their prostate health. Far too many men simply live with the problem. In Los Angeles, ten per cent of men get up and go to the bathroom at night while ninety percent get up and go home.

The Golden Globes awards show was canceled Monday because no one would cross the writers' picket line. It's a shame. Without their writers, Jon Stewart's jokes and Conan O'Brien's jokes were favored to win the award for Best Silent Feature.

New Hampshire and Iowa were allowed again to set the tone for the presidential race this week. This is way too much influence for two small, white states. When the race gets to California there won't be a candidate still in it who speaks the language.

Hillary Clinton upset Barack Obama in New Hampshire Tuesday, confounding expert pundits and pollsters. What a night for her. If she had spent the entire hundred million dollars on lingerie Hillary couldn't have been more attractive to her husband.

John McCain fell prey to vanity when he won in New Hampshire Tuesday. He tried to read his victory speech to the crowd without his reading glasses. For the second time in his career he began blinking to the camera in Morse Code for a rescue chopper.

Hillary Clinton upended Barack Obama by three points Tuesday. It had pollsters struggling for a politically correct way to explain why. People always wondered if voters were more racist or sexist, and now we know there is a three point difference.

NBC News reported Tuesday that people in Hillary's campaign were searching to find a constructive role for Bill Clinton. That morning he called Barack Obama's claim to have opposed invading Iraq five years ago a fairy tale. Now he faces a cultural backlash for referring to a black man and saying the word fairy in the same sentence.

Hillary Clinton regained her momentum Tuesday by winning in New Hampshire. Not everybody was happy. Bill O'Reilly leaped over the twenty-foot fence around his desk and mauled three teenagers who were walking through the studio on the Fox News tour.

The New Hampshire primary ended with thank-you speeches late Tuesday. Everyone had trouble getting their message out to the nation. The candidates should never keep shouting the word change to three hundred million people with a TV remote in their hands.

The White House ordered the go-ahead Monday on a controversial program to let Mexican trucks travel on U.S. roads. Congress passed a law against it but the president doesn't care. Nancy Pelosi immediately announced that impeachment was off the freeway.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-9-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Roger Clemens denied steroid use on CBS 60 Minutes Sunday, and on the same show Pakistan's Pervez Musharraf denied having a hand in Benazir Bhutto's assassination last week. The ratings were huge. Everyone loves liar's poker night on CBS 60 Minutes.

Britney Spears was hospitalized in hysterics Friday after police took her kids from her. She had taken one hundred mood-altering pills washed down by a cocktail of vodka, NyQuil and Red Bull. The next morning John Daly hired her as his swing coach.

Dr. Phil said he now has a doctor-client relationship with Britney Spears after Friday's meltdown. She was taken to a mental ward. She was so disoriented she did not know if it's the Clintons' turn to be president or the Bushes' turn to be president.

Bill Clinton sounded exhausted Monday when asked to speculate about his wife's chances in New Hampshire. He said he wished she were taller, younger and male. If there were ever any doubts they aren't sleeping together, this should put them to rest.

Senator Hillary Clinton welled up with emotion and got teary-eyed on Monday as she sat at a table with undecided voters in a New Hampshire restaurant. The voters have clearly heard enough from the presidential candidates. They're resorting to mace.

Panasonic wowed an electronics convention Monday by unveiling the world's largest television, which has a twelve-foot screen. It shows every wrinkle. They tuned it in to Barack Obama making a speech and everyone agreed he's too old to be president.

Barack Obama led the polls Monday going into the New Hampshire primary. He received worshipful news coverage all week after Iowa. The media is so reverential toward Obama that Mike Huckabee has asked him to stand behind him in an Easter commercial.

Rudy Giuliani's supporters campaigned for him in New Hampshire wearing Yankees caps and jerseys Monday. It was a mistake. If Rudy was serious about ending terrorism he wouldn't send his people into Red Sox Nation dressed like Bronx Bombers.

David Boren hosted a summit of leading centrists Monday at Oklahoma University amid speculation they're forming a new party. What were they thinking? If you want to be taken seriously you don't start a new party at the nation's leading party school.

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg flew to Oklahoma Monday to attend the conference of centrists. It had to be a humbling experience for him. He may be the mayor of the greatest city in the world but down in oil country, he's just another billionaire.

The U.S. Navy almost fired on five swarming Iranian gunboats in the Straits of Hormuz Sunday. At the last second the Iranians fled to avoid starting a war. Dick Cheney's horoscope told him that morning that today he would miss perfect happiness by an inch.

President Bush left Tuesday for his Middle East trip to drum up support against Iran's government. The day before, Mr. Bush admitted Iran has no nuclear weapons program, but he said that just clarifies the threat. He's right, we can see right through him.

President Bush is on an eight-day trip to the Mideast beginning with Israel and ending in Saudi Arabia. He won't get much press coverage while overseas. The press corps is going to stay at the White House to watch Oprah measure for drapes.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-8-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Entertainment Tonight aired video of a celebrity meltdown Saturday. Everyone's favorite blonde was strapped on a gurney and taken to a mental ward, crying that her husband ruined her life. It could get worse if she doesn't win New Hampshire tonight.

General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner will address the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas today and reveal company plans for a driverless car. It's not that far-fetched an idea. They've been testing the prototype in the Oval Office for seven years.

President Bush will fly to the Middle East today to make the case that Iran is a threat. He wants war even though Iran has no nuclear weapons. It's the biggest overreaction to slingshots since that tiger jumped the fence at the San Francisco Zoo.

The San Francisco Zoo reopened Thursday, one week after the Siberian tiger leaped over its twenty-foot fence and attacked customers. Attendance at the zoo doubled after the tiger tore up three people. Who says negative campaigning doesn't work?

The New Hampshire primary could narrow the field of presidential candidates today. Everyone's battling for the mantle of change. Last night Barack Obama called for change, John Edwards said he's the agent of change, Hillary Clinton said she had already made change, and Ron Paul's supporters gave him another ten million and change.

Fox News excluded Ron Paul from its GOP presidential debate on Sunday, sparking fury. The network hates any criticism of the president. They even edited the news footage of Malibu in flames last month to take out the scenes of the bushes under fire.

George McGovern called for President Bush and Dick Cheney to be impeached over the war Sunday. It's a bit late. If they start the impeachment now, by the time it gets to the Senate they will be putting President Obama on trial for past cocaine use.

Mitt Romney won the Wyoming caucuses by a landslide Saturday. He was finally able to communicate what he can offer the American people. Forget national security and taxes, everyone wants to know how they can look the same as they did thirty years ago.

Mike Huckabee continued to make the rounds of late-night talk shows Monday. It is tricky. When he said he thinks it's okay to teach creationism in public schools, the Hollywood Writers Guild accused him of writing jokes in violation of strike rules.

Mike Huckabee exasperated conservative Republicans Thursday by winning in Iowa and seizing momentum. No one wants to claim him. When Mike Huckabee attacks wealth and privilege, even the Russians say he's not our mole, we don't swing that way anymore.

Roger Clemens was asked Friday to testify before the House Oversight Committee investigating the use of steroids. He should meet with the lawmakers. Roger Clemens was such a bad liar on CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday, he could use some pointers from the pros.

Los Angeles was pounded by three rainstorms Friday that left thousands without power and publicity. That explains why Dr. Phil rushed to Cedars-Sinai Hospital to see Britney Spears. They have an emergency generator that can send out press releases.

Britney Spears was taken to a hospital after she stood off police outside her bedroom door Friday. She was drinking and drugging and a had a gun and her baby in the bedroom. Police were summoned when neighbors thought they smelled cigarette smoke.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-7-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

London stage rehearsals began Friday for a new musical based on the movie Gone with the Wind. It's a loving look at plantation life in the South just before the Civil War. So for Barack Obama, this week it was two steps forward and one step back.

Lake Tahoe was buried by blizzards Friday while downstate, Los Angeles was drenched by rainstorms accompanied by high winds and low temperatures. Florida got snowfall and freezing weather. Americans are just lucky that cars run on corn and not orange juice.

John Wayne's statue might be removed from a Beverly Hills building now owned by Hustler Magazine. It's a lousy fit. Hustler fans don't like a Republican in front of their building and John Wayne fans aren't all that crazy about the First Amendment.

Roger Clemens told CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday he took lidocaine, not steroids, in the locker room. He said he and his pal Andy Pettitte got regular injections in the rear end from the trainer. Now he must go back on the show next week to deny that he's gay.

Britney Spears was hospitalized Friday after losing a custody dispute to Kevin Federline. Her lawyers resigned, saying she's self-absorbed and sliding downhill fast. It makes you wonder if Kevin Federline ought to seek custody of Chelsea Clinton.

New York window washer Alcides Moreno came out of a coma in remarkable health Friday. He fell forty-seven stories and still survived. He shares the title of the world's luckiest man with Bill Clinton, who told forty-seven stories and still survived.

Mike Huckabee won a big victory in Iowa Thursday. People like his manner. He's for teaching creationism, a national sales tax, and scholarships for illegal aliens, but he says it in such a folksy way that people think it's a recipe for fried chicken.

Barack Obama told New Hampshire Friday he will make America one nation and one people. It was some speech. If Barack Obama were any more of a uniter, LSU and Ohio State would call off tonight's game because there's nothing to fight about anymore.

Rudy Giuliani's supporters were dismayed Thursday night at his pitiful showing in Iowa. Only a terrorist attack can save Rudy's candidacy now. Unfortunately for him the terrorists have promised they will never cross the Writers Guild picket line.

Senators Joe Biden and Chris Dodd quit the Democratic race for president Friday after the votes were counted in Iowa. They were by far the most knowledgeable and most experienced and most serious of all of the presidential candidates. So they had to go.

Hillary Clinton declared Friday in New Hampshire that she is the most innocent off all the candidates. She said she's been investigated for sixteen years and has no secrets. When women lose their air of mystery the next thing they lose is Iowa.

President Bush insisted on Friday that the United States economy is strong and solid, as the Dow Jones average plunged another two hundred and fifty points. Wall Street reacted harshly to the annual report on jobs. President Bush still has one.

White House aides on Friday dampened any expectations for President Bush's Middle East peace trip. His trip to Israel and the West Bank is widely believed to be just a cover for his trip to meet King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. When oil hit one hundred dollars per barrel Thursday he was summoned to Riyadh to receive the Order of Saladin.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-6-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Iowa caucuses aired worldwide via satellite Thursday. It's like musical chairs without music or chairs. People overseas have always wondered why the United States president is always an idiot, now they were able to see for themselves how it happens.

Mike Huckabee emerged from nowhere to win the Iowa caucuses Thursday. It set off a national panic. Mike Huckabee reminds everyone so much of Richard Nixon that the Watergate Hotel just hired Pinkertons to start patrolling the hallways after midnight.

Mitt Romney spent seven million dollars on ads in Iowa and still lost to Mike Huckabee. He did get the last laugh. Mike Huckabee got a congratulatory call from Jesus Christ after the vote was counted and the call came collect from Salt Lake City.

Barack Obama outpolled Hillary Clinton and John Edwards to win the Iowa caucuses Thursday. His win had a profound effect. Barack Obama got so many votes that the next day all the Republican candidates dropped Jesus and admitted to past cocaine use.

Hillary Clinton got twenty-nine percent of the vote in Iowa Thursday. She must be proud. It's the best a woman's done in one of these things since Gennifer Flowers got three hundred thousand dollars from the Enquirer during the New Hampshire primary.

Elizabeth Edwards saluted her husband onstage after he finished second in Iowa Thursday. They have prepared for Iowa since they got married. On their honeymoon night thirty years ago, Elizabeth Edwards came to bed dressed as a corn subsidy.

Democrats turned out two hundred thousand voters in Iowa Thursday while the GOP only turned out one hundred thousand. There's a massacre coming. The Republican party's only consolation is that Ronald Reagan played General Custer in Santa Fe Trail.

The PGA Tour began Thursday with the Mercedes Benz Championship in Hawaii. For the first time the golfers were tested for performance-enhancing drugs. There was a lot of concern when John Daly was tested and doctors found blood in his beer stream.

Roger Clemens will deny using steroids on CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday. Let's cut the hypocrisy. If you offered anyone twenty million dollars a year for taking steroids, Mike Wallace would be bench pressing Roger Clemens tonight rather than interviewing him.

Iran's government announced Thursday that its one-thousand-megawatt nuclear reactor will be up and running by early spring. The reactor is located near the Persian Gulf port city of Bushehr. They might as well change the name of the city to Bush Here.

NASA delayed the launching of the Space Shuttle Atlantis again on Thursday due to a problem with the fuel tank. They said they will try again in February. You'd think that at one hundred dollars a barrel the thing would skyrocket by itself.

Pakistan's General Pervez Musharraf agreed on Wednesday to allow Scotland Yard to investigate Benazir Bhutto's assassination. Why not the CIA? They would have tortured the witnesses, burned the tapes and concluded that Benazir Bhutto fired first.

President Bush released the itinerary for his Middle East trip this week. His trip begins in Israel, goes through the West Bank, circles the Persian Gulf and winds up in Saudi Arabia. He wants to go down in history as the Lewis and Clark of World War Three.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-4-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Iowa caucuses began choosing the next president Thursday amid grumbling that Iowa has too much power. It's hugely white and has the nation's highest literacy and graduation rates. They will never pick a president who represents the American people.

Los Angeles counted down the New Year in style Monday. Hours after New Yorkers watched the crystal ball come down, thousands gathered in Beverly Hills to see the value of their houses come down. Everyone began the countdown together at ten million.

Roger Clemens was invited Monday to speak to a Texas baseball coaches' convention banquet after he denied using steroids. Injecting steroids seems to be rampant in Texas. Just Wednesday, the price of oil shot up to a hundred and you know it had help.

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices hit a hundred bucks a barrel this week. We need new sources of oil. When Mike Huckabee dove into Santa Monica Bay Wednesday and a thousand ducks had to be rescued, he was the most popular man in politics.

Mike Huckabee crossed the Writers Guild picket line to go on the Tonight Show Wednesday. There's no question about Republican party support for unions. The only suspense was whether he would cross the picket line in a steamroller or an earthmover.

Barack Obama's election polling in Iowa Thursday showed that the United States is ready for a black president. The way was certainly paved for him. If nothing else, President Bush shattered the myth of white supremacy once and for all.

President Bush slipped back into Washington Wednesday after a two-week holiday break. He spends a good amount of time on vacation. President Bush is still in office under an unspoken agreement that we won't impeach him if he stays out of sight.

Hillary Clinton handed out bagels to her volunteers on the day before the Iowa caucuses. She had a difficult last week. Hillary Clinton wants to be seen as a great female leader but the Secret Service won't let her stick her head out of the sunroof.

General Pervez Musharraf blamed terrorists Thursday for the killing of Benazir Bhutto. She left a note blaming him if she were ever killed. In Pervez Musharraf's defense, Benazir Bhutto had a lot of nerve going around in public with her head unshot.

San Francisco police said Thursday they found slingshots in the hip pockets of all three victims of the tiger attack. The slaughter was so unnecessary. Those boys would not have had slingshots if San Francisco had not cracked down on handguns.

The Passenger Bill of Rights just became law in New York, giving air travelers the right to air, water and clean bathrooms. They shouldn't have mentioned it. The White House hadn't even thought of eliminating these rights and now they're kicking it around.

President Bush will host Turkey's President Abdullah Gul on Tuesday. They will discuss Turkish attacks on Kurdish rebels across the border in Iraq. If President Bush can convince Turkey to send troops all the way into Baghdad, maybe we can leave.

New Jersey's Assembly debated a bill to make New Jersey the first northern state to apologize for slavery. The state outlawed slavery forty years before the Civil War. It is something nobody knew until there were no black characters on The Sopranos.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-3-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The Rose Parade was held in downtown Pasadena on New Year's Day with over a million parade watchers in attendance. Some things never change. The float that got the biggest cheer was an over-inflated appraisal followed by a no-money-down loan.

The New York Giants hired a repair crew Tuesday to get their press box escalator repaired. It malfunctioned after their last game. The escalator stopped running with Terry Bradshaw on it, stranding him and causing him to miss his flight home to Dallas.

The New York Jets said Monday they will sell beer again next year after Sunday's one-day ban. Drunken fans were encouraging women to strip. You knew if those old stadiums didn't get rid of those poles that someone would find a way to make some money off them.

Baylor College of Medicine said Tuesday it's making a vaccine that removes the high that people get when they use cocaine. It's a Baptist school. In two years the Baptist Church will celebrate four hundred years of taking the fun out of everything.

Ralph Nader endorsed John Edwards for president Monday, citing the candidate's labor backing. He became famous as a crusader for auto safety. Ralph Nader was the only one to blame Benazir Bhutto's death on the fact that she was not wearing a helmet.

Mike Huckabee flew to Hollywood from Iowa Wednesday to make a guest appearance on the Tonight Show starring Jay Leno. No one in the crowd will know who he is. At least half of Los Angeles thinks the Iowa caucus is some form of strep throat.

The Iowa caucuses will be held tonight after a year of nonstop campaigning by the presidential candidates. Many Iowans are sad to see this circus end. After the candidates leave, the farmers will have to go back to fertilizing the crops themselves.

The Los Angeles Times said Mitt Romney ran shell companies in Bermuda and the Cayman Islands. They helped investors evade U.S. taxes. For a party that started the American Revolution, Republicans sure seem to have gotten over their hatred of British tax laws.

Mitt Romney campaigned on New Year's Day in Iowa by dropping in on house parties where people were watching bowl games. He loves going door-to-door. Mitt once addressed a convention of Mormon missionaries and all they wanted to hear was knock-knock jokes.

Fox News drew protests by excluding Ron Paul from the GOP debate this Sunday. He wants to pull out of Iraq because it was unconstitutional to invade it. The last time Ron Paul was on Fox News, Dick Cheney missed the TV set and shot a priceless antique vase.

President Bush signed a bill Monday which toughens the Freedom of Information Act. The law will make it harder for the government to keep secrets, after he leaves office. It's exactly the way Thomas Jefferson freed his slaves, in his will.

President Bush went on radio Saturday to comfort those who have trouble making ends meet. His own future is set. Bob Uecker made a fortune as a banquet speaker by telling stories about his years as the worst baseball player in Major League history.

Iranian scientists announced on Tuesday that their nation's first cloned sheep is now fifteen months old and doing well. The sheep is just a test project of the Iranian government. The big research money is going into making Iraq a clone of Iran.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-2-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Iowa Caucuses are held tomorrow after a hard-fought campaign. Hollywood is watching very closely. When the Los Angeles Times headlined Monday that Hillary was in a three-way with Obama and Edwards, everyone here figured that turnabout is fair play.

New York celebrated the New Year Monday in Times Square, where the crystal ball dropped seventy-seven feet at midnight. The Realtors were stunned. When they put the ball up on the market at seventy-seven they expected it to sell for seventy-seven.

David Boren is hosting centrists like Chuck Hegel, Sam Nunn, John Danforth and Christie Whitman in Oklahoma this weekend. It's a Tory plot to run Mayor Mike Bloomberg for president. They want to elect a Jewish president to win a bet that the next president couldn't possibly get us into any more trouble in the Middle East than George Bush has.

The Las Vegas Strip held its annual block party on New Year's Eve. It's an American showcase. The money that's wasted on gasoline added to the money that's wasted on gambling shows that we have the most representative form of government in the world.

The Atlanta Falcons hosted the Seattle Seahawks Sunday in Atlanta. The pre-game show was a fight to the death between the Seahawk and Falcon mascots. It's the closest they could come to a salute to Michael Vick without getting fined by the commissioner.

Hollywood movie producer Jon Peters was served Friday with two sex-harassment lawsuits. One plaintiff is his office maid and the other plaintiff is his housemaid in Malibu. Under Hollywood law he could be convicted because he didn't kill them.

California enacted a new law requiring drivers to use hands-free cellphones starting in July. Life is distracting enough as it is. Too often lately we've all been talking into our pistols and aiming our cellphones at each other on the freeway.

NASA released a six-year confidential survey of airline pilots Monday. The pilots said overscheduling and faulty equipment and incompetent controllers are a widespread problem. It is the first instinct of every alcoholic to blame others for his troubles.

Hillary Clinton apologized Monday to Rwandan women maimed in tribal violence ten years ago. She said she urged her husband to do something about it but he backed away. When she confronted him about Rwanda, all he'd say is that he never touched her.

Ron Paul ruffled a few feathers last week by calling Abe Lincoln a warmonger. Then a state-by-state poll said the entire South and Mountain West agreed with him. If nothing else, it shows it'll be awhile before Sunnis and Shiites let bygones be bygones.

Mike Huckabee said Monday he won't resort to negative campaigning as he showed reporters the latest negative commercial he's decided not to air. His craftiness is sprinkled with occasional self-pity. The Nixon Library is consulting with Elvis Presley Enterprises to see if they are entitled to royalties from these impersonators.

Chelsea Clinton refused to answer questions from a nine-year-old girl reporter in Iowa. The little reporter just shook her head. Chelsea will never get her own sitcom on Nickelodeon until she learns to talk to the press about family sex scandals.

Pakistani opposition leaders refused Monday to agree with the government version of Benazir Bhutto's death. Clearly she was shot but the government claims she hit her head on the sunroof. No one wants to say the subcontinent is a tough crowd, but those man-eating tigers got into the San Francisco Zoo as political refugees from Islamabad.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-1-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy New Year, and how's everybody?

Enjoy part two of our annual look back at things that made us laugh in 2007.

JULY - Hillary Clinton was in Miami to speak to the conference of the National Council of La Raza. During her speech, Hillary highlighted her close personal and professional relationships with prominent Hispanic leaders. She even married Don Juan.

The Los Angeles Dodgers invited one hundred kids to Dodger Stadium to participate in a Steroids Awareness Program. Maybe it did some good. The kids spent two hours lecturing the players about the dangers of using performance-enhancing drugs.

AUGUST - Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron's home-run record in San Francisco. After the blast, Aaron saluted Bonds in a taped message on the centerfield screen. Fans couldn't help but notice that Hank Aaron's head looked much bigger than they remembered.

President Bush created a panel to find a way to monitor the quality of Chinese food imports. He's concerned about people getting sick. The difference between food poisoning and President Bush is that poisoned food has an exit strategy.

SEPTEMBER - Idaho U.S. Senator Larry Craig called a press conference to insist he is not gay. He had just pleaded guilty to lewd conduct in a men's room. The senator said he loves his wife, his family, his state and whoever's sitting in the next stall.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez canceled his speech at the U.N. All the attention was on Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Every year the Tournament of Hitlers can only have one grand marshal and someone's feelings inevitably get hurt.

OCTOBER - Senate Democrats vowed to override President Bush's veto of the bill expanding children's health care by raising cigarette taxes. It's self-defeating. If cigarettes get any more expensive, it's going to make smoking crack cost-effective.

Malibu residents had to evacuate after fast-spreading brushfires ignited. It's no surprise. Malibu consists of several thousand people in the movie business living next to an evangelical college, Pepperdine, and the friction starts fires all the time.

NOVEMBER - Ron Paul called for abolishing the IRS and for huge cuts in government spending. He's a Texas congressman and an obstetrician. Ron Paul is the Republican candidate who's the most like Ronald Reagan, but those aren't his feet in the stirrups.

The Betty Ford Center held its twenty-fifth anniversary dinner and saluted Betty Ford. They're doing land-office business. This year the center built two new dorms for Americans who are addicted to foreign oil and cheap immigrant labor.

DECEMBER - President Bush said he didn't know Iran stopped working on its nuclear weapons program four years ago and said he didn't know that the CIA destroyed torture videos. He can't win. For years Democrats have said President Bush doesn't know anything and now when President Bush admits he didn't know anything, nobody believes him.

Oprah Winfrey appeared onstage with Barack Obama in Iowa. They work well together. Every time Barack would make a point about jobs, health care or foreign policy, Oprah would jiggle a set of car keys behind his back and the crowd would go crazy.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio