Argus Hamilton's column for 12-9-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Caroline Kennedy asked the governor of New York Thursday to appoint her to the U.S. Senate seat that's being vacated by Hillary Clinton. The pattern's clear. The U.S. Senate is now a day care center for the female relatives of legendary sex addicts.

President Bush went to the annual Army-Navy football game in Philadelphia last Saturday and enjoyed it. The president visited the locker room for a pre-game pep talk. The players sat him down and told him that someday history would vindicate him.

The Episcopal Church had a schism Friday when churches opposed to gay marriage demanded their own diocese from the Archbishop. It's embarrassing. We Episcopalians don't like to wear our religion on our sleeves, we believe that area is for cufflinks.

Florida's former governor Jeb Bush said Friday he's considering a run for the U.S. Senate in Florida in two years. It may involve a little extra paperwork. To give himself a better chance of being elected he may legally change his name to O.J. Simpson.

O.J. Simpson was sentenced to prison on live television Friday for armed robbery and kidnapping in a Las Vegas hotel room. He made a heartfelt plea for one more chance. At this point there's no harm trying to get some of that federal bailout money.

The Big Three automakers returned to Washington Friday to ask Congress for bailout money. The auto executives had to sit and listen to congressmen lecture them on fiscal responsibility. It's the first time in its history CNN ever used a laugh track.

The Big Three chairmen did not fly to Washington in their corporate jets last week. They outdid each other in humility. One CEO came in a hybrid, one came in an electric car, and one jumped a freight train but caught hell about the coal emissions.

The White House and Congress agreed Sunday on a bailout for U.S. automakers from a fifteen billion dollar fund requiring Detroit to make hybrid cars. The auto executives are unclear on the concept. Hybrid does not mean half engine, half tin cup.

The Weather Channel reports Santa Ana winds are headed for Southern California off the desert this week. Conditions are ripe for wildfires. When those For Sale signs have been standing out on the front lawns for six months they are like kindling.

Fox News reported Saturday on the drought in California's Central Valley. It's destroying this season's crops of celery and melons and lettuce and broccoli and cauliflower. Next year the farm bill will be named the Supermodel Preservation Act.

Jessica Simpson said Tuesday she wants to go to college to study theology. She said she's watched The Da Vinci Code eight times. You know the economy is rough when blondes are hanging out with priests just for the free wine and crackers at communion.

The Washington D.C. City Council voted to keep bars open until five in the morning on Inauguration Day. It's a huge opportunity. As soon as President Bush leaves office he may start drinking again and no one wants to miss out on that much business.

The New York Giants placed Plaxico Burress on the injured list for the rest of the year Monday. He's perfectly healthy. At his last birthday party he blew out the candles without a problem, unless you consider buckshot in the wallpaper a problem.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio