Argus Hamilton's column for 12-15-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Wall Street tycoon Bernard Madoff confessed to a scam that stole fifty billion dollars from investors. It was the biggest con in history. He was arraigned in Manhattan court Friday but not before he was presented the key to the City of Chicago.

St. Mark's Episcopal in Chicago placed global positioning devices in their Nativity Scene figurines to halt theft. They're easy to track. Last year's Messiah is on his way to Washington and the donkey's been arrested for trying to sell a Senate seat.

Barack Obama said Thursday no one on his staff helped Governor Blagojevich try to sell his Senate seat. It's worrisome. Barack Obama knows that the first rule of politics is there's always room at the top, once the grand jury returns an indictment.

Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan asked the state Supreme Court on Friday to declare Governor Rod Blagojevich disabled and unfit for office. That's silly. If crookedness was a disability, Chicago would be known worldwide as the City of Ramps.

Barack Obama's chief of staff Rahm Emanuel refused to answer questions Friday about the attempted sale of Obama's Senate seat. He's desperate to get the press on to another subject. He just asked one of his daughters if she'd like to go missing.

Pastor Jeremiah Wright told his church Sunday that December seventh was the day the U.S. dropped the atomic bomb on Japan. Actually it's the day Japan bombed us. The reason everybody walks out of his church services so happy is because ignorance is bliss.

O.J. Simpson was taken away Thursday to Nevada State Prison, forty miles north of Las Vegas. It's a tough adjustment. O.J.'s used to a life of cocaine and golf and blondes, but the Nevada State Prison is much different than the Los Angeles County Jail.

Dick Cheney warned Friday the Great Depression will re-occur if the government doesn't bail out the auto industry. We'll see. If he's as right about this as he was about Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction, then happy days are here again.

The White House scrambled to find bailout money for U.S. automakers Friday after the Senate refused it. The companies are losing billions every month. The cost of bailing out the Big Three automakers makes the overthrow of Saddam Hussein look cost-effective.

Senate Republicans killed the bailout bill for U.S. automakers Thursday when the UAW refused to agree to a date certain to reduce wages to the level of non-union autoworkers. Taxpayers fear a snowball effect. If the autoworkers go broke we'll have to bail out Philip Morris to make up for all of the lost sales in cigarettes and beer.

President Bush addressed West Point cadets last week and saluted the cadets for entering the armed forces knowing he was president. They're better at math than he is. They calculated he would be out of office by the time they finished school.

President Bush greeted Barbra Streisand at the Kennedy Center Awards ceremony last week. He handed her the award and then kissed her. Since he's accepted that he's not going to be the next Ronald Reagan, he's decided to be the next Evel Knievel.

India and Pakistan smoothed over the terrorist attack in Mumbai after Pakistan agreed to extradite the mastermind to India. How nice. They were able to settle the crisis without war by engaging in diplomacy, or as it's known in America, women's work.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio