Argus Hamilton's column for 12-14-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Oprah Winfrey confessed Wednesday she weighs over two hundred pounds and she's given up trying to lose the excess weight. It's no secret around the office. On her desk are pictures of the two men she loves the most, Barack Obama and Ronald McDonald.

New York ad mogul Donny Deutsch was caught with a woman who's married to hedge fund mogul Andrew Sandler. The divorce trial will pit two billionaires fighting over a blonde. It's fair to say that men are like Illinois, they are governed by nuts.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested Tuesday for trying to sell a U.S. Senate seat. His family is so proud. Rod Blagojevich could go down in history as the only Serbian leader whose trial didn't end up at the International Criminal Court.

Governor Rod Blagojevich didn't show up for work in Chicago on Wednesday. Just his luck, it was national call-in-sick if you're gay day. He may have to resign as governor of Illinois but he's leading all polls to be the next governor of California.

Barack Obama cut all ties to Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich Thursday. He's also disowned Jeremiah Wright and Tony Rezko. Having Chicago as a hometown for an incoming president is like having a brother-in-law with a gambling problem and no car.

TV host Anderson Cooper dove unprotected into a pool of Great White sharks on CNN this week. He's an heir to the Vanderbilt fortune. The market is doing so badly that wealthy families have decided to spend the holidays collecting each other's life insurance.

Ken Starr was asked by Malibu homeowners Thursday to help draft laws protecting them from being constantly stalked by the paparazzi. He's the obvious choice. Ken Starr is the legal profession's leading expert on the rights of women without underwear.

The Screen Actors Guild vowed Tuesday to go on strike in January so actors can get paid money for the Internet use of their performances. Everything's downloaded illegally anyway. Internet users make the Somali pirates look like copyright attorneys.

Beatles producer Phil Spector's re-trial for murdering an actress resumed last week in L.A. The defendant wore a shaggy wig, white suit and open-collar shirt into court. The easiest way to get an L.A. jury on your side is to look like you're holding.

President Bush expressed his joy Wednesday at statistics showing a twenty-five percent drop in illegal drug use among young people during the eight years of his presidency. He can take personal credit for it. He didn't leave enough for everybody.

John Daly got angry at a fan at the Australian Open Thursday who surprised him on the golf course with an up-close camera flash. The golfer grabbed the camera in anger and threw it in the trees. It was the nineteenth fairway he had missed that day.

Bill Clinton was told Thursday he may have to testify at Hillary's confirmation hearings in the Senate about his library donations. This will be fun. He had a cabinet that looked like America and a donor list that looked like a terrorist training camp.

Hillary Clinton's salary as Secretary of State had to be cut Thursday so she can take the job legally. She blew the Democratic primaries, then took a salary cut and now everyone's talking about Caroline Kennedy taking her place. Hillary Clinton is the first public figure in American history to make the cover of Masochists Monthly twice.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio