Argus Hamilton's column for 12-11-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The White House and Congress worked together Tuesday to come up with a federal bailout plan for the Big Three automakers. The idea isn't polling well at all. Most Americans don't care who makes the cars as long as O.J. Simpson makes the license plates.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested by the FBI Tuesday. Prosecutors charged the governor without waiting for a grand jury to indict him. They wanted to take him into custody before he could flee to the lawless tribal area of Pakistan.

Shout Factory released Hunter Thompson's audio tapes Monday, which comprised his Rolling Stone articles in the Seventies. He's a Baby Boomer icon. Hunter Thompson was the Robert E. Lee in the War Against Drugs, in that he commanded the opposing army.

Al Gore was told by Barack Obama Tuesday that climate change is on the back burner for now. Tax hikes on the wealthy and a withdrawal from Iraq have also been postponed. President Bush may not have a legacy but it looks like he'll have a third term.

Caroline Kennedy is lobbying to be named to the U.S. Senate. With all the Bushes in power and all the Clintons in power, we're a Kennedy short. Whatever our differences with Britain that caused the revolution, it wasn't over the House of Lords.

The Supreme Court rejected an appeal Monday from a man who says Barack Obama isn't eligible to be president because his dad was a British subject. However, it does answer one question. It explains to angry liberals why he keeps appointing Tories to his cabinet.

President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq in an address at West Point on Tuesday. He gave the cadets a speech codifying the Bush Doctrine. It states we must find out what country attacked the U.S. and then overthrow the leader we installed two countries over.

President Bush was interviewed by Cynthia McFadden on ABC's Nightline Monday and he discussed his relationship with God. It's unique, to say the least. When all your mistakes are of Biblical proportion you start to feel like God's your personal trainer.

Washington D.C. store owners warned Monday that Inaugural visitors will overwhelm the city. They forecast a bread and milk shortage. That's because they're allocating the shelf space to crack to maximize profits during this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was taped trying to sell a U.S. Senate seat in exchange for a union job. Times are tough. Now that Wall Street jobs no longer pay bonuses, corrupt politicians are giving away Senate seats in exchange for free donuts.

Governor Rod Blagojevich tried to sell the open Illinois Senate seat Monday knowing he was being wiretapped in a corruption probe. Illinois is famous for its high-handed criminals. The yacht race on Lake Michigan every year is called the Capone Cup.

Chicago's U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald said Tuesday Governor Blagojevich was on a crime spree. The spree had style. Last Valentine's Day every state contractor got a box of candy from Governor Blagojevich along with a card inscribed, Be My Crony.

Senator Larry Craig lost his appeal to withdraw his guilty plea for soliciting gay sex in an airport men's room. He didn't know the guy he was trying to pick up in the next stall was a cop. He'd still have a political career today if he had let Bill Gates teach him to surf the Internet instead of charging him with anti-trust.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio