Argus Hamilton's column for 11-6-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama won election to be the forty-fourth president of the United States on Tuesday. It was a campaign launched by his opposition to the war. Barack Obama was so annoyed that President Bush doesn't have an exit strategy that he gave him one.

Barack Obama won Tuesday giving the Democrats control of Congress and the White House. World reaction poured in. Australia's prime minister offered political asylum, safe passage and new identities to Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin.

Barack Obama won Tuesday by carrying states that were traditionally Republican strongholds as well as New England and the West Coast. It was a victory of historic proportions. For the second time in her life, Michelle Obama was proud of her country.

Barack Obama had a huge event in Chicago's Grant Park Tuesday. Forty years ago during the Democratic convention, the park was filled with hippies and Black Power groups. They had no idea they'd be back forty years later as senior campaign advisors.

John McCain campaigned non-stop in the thirty-six hours leading up to Election Day. He was gracious at the end. The great thing about a guy like John McCain is that he never holds a grudge, as soon as he gets even with you he forgets all about it.

Joe Biden got to vote for himself twice on Tuesday in Delaware. He was running both for vice president and for re-election as U.S. senator. When Joe Biden says on the campaign trail that he's concerned about unemployment, he's not talking about you.

Babes in Toyland sex toy store in Manhattan offered free vibrators for anybody who said they voted Tuesday. Are we a great country or what? In Iraq they give you a purple finger if you've voted, and in New York they give you a contented expression.

The Center for Media said Monday that late-night comics told seven times more jokes on Republicans than on Democrats. Think it through. John McCain took public financing and the only way he could get any airtime was to pick Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Bill and Hillary Clinton spent Monday in Minnesota stumping for Senate candidate Al Franken. He's a former Saturday Night Live cast member. Who would have guessed that Saturday Night Live would have a bigger stake in this election than Wall Street?

Fox News Channel won the ratings among cable news networks election night. The coverage was scrupulously neutral. However, every ten minutes it was interrupted by a commercial for Cialis or Viagra, so everyone thinks we're getting screwed either way.

Jeb Bush emerged Tuesday as an appealing presidential candidate to Republicans in the next election. His career has been revitalized. Everyone was surprised to see another Bush's hand come thrusting up through the ground, Halloween was last week.

President Bush spent Election Day inside the White House and hosted a birthday dinner for the First Lady. He has no public appearances through Sunday. He was scheduled to pardon a turkey next week, but Dick Cheney said he doesn't want his pity.

President Bush got blamed for the loss Tuesday by Republicans. He missed the warning signs of 9-11, invaded the wrong country, wrecked the economy, nationalized the banks, and watched as New Orleans drowned. Al-Qaeda just sent him an honorary membership card which gives him a ten percent discount at any restaurant in Pakistan.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio