Argus Hamilton's column for 11-30-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Citigroup announced Monday they will keep their stadium naming rights deal with the New York Mets for the baseball team's new stadium next year. It will be called Citi Field. If you can prove that you're a taxpayer, you get half off on the beer.

The New York Post says Mel Brooks's musical comedy Young Frankenstein will close on Broadway in January. It's the story of a mad scientist who can re-animate the dead. The show is closing in January because Dr. Frankenstein has been appointed Bailout Czar.

President Bush commuted the sentence of rap star John Forte on Tuesday. He was convicted for smuggling liquid cocaine into the country eight years ago. John Forte stated in his plea he hates it whenever people take drugs, people like customs agents.

Sarah Palin was being interviewed at a turkey farm in Alaska last week when the cameras showed turkeys being slaughtered right behind her. What was she thinking? She has the job on Saturday Night Live if she wants it, she can stop making demo reels.

Sean Penn got rave reviews for his new movie, Milk, on Thursday. It's about San Francisco's first gay councilman Harvey Milk, who was murdered during a City Council meeting in the late Seventies. You could kill anybody with a good Jerry Brown joke in those days.

Hollywood producer Jon Peters held a party for gang members at his Malibu home Sunday. It's part of his DUI sentence. He's also charged with sexually assaulting his maids, and under Los Angeles law he could go to prison because he didn't kill them.

Barack Obama tasked his economic team Monday to jolt the economy back onto its feet from Wall Street's crash. It's a mess. Black activists are furious that Barack Obama has to spend his first three months as a janitor cleaning up after white people.

Somali pirates seized a Yemeni steel ship Tuesday a day after they seized an oil tanker. The U.S. response is muted. The pirates speed through the ocean high on beer and cocaine, and all President Bush does is issue a statement saying you're only young once.

Bill Clinton agreed to extensive scrutiny to help get Hillary the Secretary of State post. He may have to give up his speaking engagements. As Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will have to grapple with age-old battles between mortal enemies, like Sunnis and Shiites, Israelis and Palestinians, and Bill Clinton and Spare Time.

A Connecticut survey showed Monday that American millionaires might be cutting off buying gifts for their mistresses this Christmas. Why should they? Now that the stock market has wiped them out, the divorce is less expensive than the hush money.

The Screen Actors Guild urged television and movie actors to vote for a strike Monday. It could delay the start of next fall's TV season. This means that Osama bin Laden will have to find another place to hide besides that sitcom on Fox that he's been in.

Barack Obama met reporters Monday and pledged billions for infrastructure repairs to America's highways. They aren't all bad. Potholes have greatly reduced the number of people shot on Los Angeles freeways if you don't count the helicopter pilots.

Countrywide began calling homeowners to try to help them renegotiate their loans. Executives said sixty percent of homeowners in foreclosure have multiple properties. At San Diego's SeaWorld, whenever the crowd calls out to see Flipper, a real estate speculator comes flying out of the water tank with a fish in his mouth.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio