Argus Hamilton's column for 11-23-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Dick Cheney was indicted in South Texas Tuesday for profiting from the abuse of prisoners at federal detention centers run by a private company. He owns stock in the prison company. It shows the trouble you get into when you invest with your heart.

Somali pirates seized a Saudi oil tanker and demanded a ransom Monday. They're holding a hundred million dollars in oil and they want a ten million dollar ransom. Whoever it is is also likely to be holding a math degree from Los Angeles High School.

Somali pirates followed up their tanker hijacking Monday by seizing an Iranian cargo ship carrying thirty tons of grain from Iran to the West on Tuesday. What are the terrorists thinking? You can't bring down a skyscraper with a boatload of Wonder Bread.

Pittsburgh Steelers bettors rioted last Sunday when refs made the wrong call at the game's end, costing them a point-spread cover. It cost bettors sixty million dollars. The good news is that anybody who bet the house is now eligible for a federal bailout.

Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson warned of a lengthy bear market on Wall Street Tuesday. That's bad news. A bear market is a technical term for a six-to-twelve month period when kids get no allowance, women get no jewelry and men get no sex.

Barack Obama named Greg Craig, who represented Bill Clinton and Ted Kennedy in their last sex scandals, his White House Counsel Tuesday. It's a sign that the new president might be funny after all. Comedians can hear noises that other people can't.

The Iraqi cabinet passed a measure on Monday allowing U.S. and British troops to remain in their country for another three years. The occupation is getting old to the Iraqis and to the troops. Some of these guys were sent there to overthrow Saladin.

The BCS sold its college football title game to ESPN for one hundred and forty million dollars Monday. The system is silly. USC and Oklahoma are usually the best teams but the computer deducts points for lording it over everybody and binge drinking.

Ford rolled out a supercharged Mustang Tuesday a day after GM introduced their new Cadillac that goes two hundred miles an hour. Don't you love this country? We take a hundred years to put an electric car on the drawing board but gas prices drop two dollars a gallon and the rocket ships are on the showroom floor in two weeks.

Hillary Clinton expressed no fear Monday of being closely vetted for Secretary of State. Even Democrats question her qualifications. How can she be the nation's top diplomat when she couldn't even keep wars from breaking out in the Living Quarters?

The White House decided Monday to leave three hundred fifty billion dollars of the rescue money to the next administration. They bailed out the banks, and now the line for handouts includes homeowners, automakers, city and state governments and airlines. The last time President Bush saw lines this long it was on his coffee table.

Barack Obama's election was reported Tuesday to have brought a huge tourism boost to Southside Chicago. Bus tours show tourists Barack Obama's house, barber shop, and church. The neighborhood is glowing with pride, or that could be the light from the crack pipes.

The Pentagon was urged by one hundred generals Monday to let gays serve openly in the U.S. military. Gays have already made an important contribution. They were the first to point out that the Army's jungle camouflage matched the wrong quagmire.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio