Argus Hamilton's column for 10-5-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Sarah Palin and Joe Biden squared off in the vice presidential debate Thursday, televised from Washington University in St. Louis. Americans tuned in just to see how many mistakes they would make. That's why the debate was sponsored by Liquid Paper.

Steve Fossett's plane was located near Mammoth Lakes Thursday a year after the billionaire adventurer took off in a single engine aircraft and went missing. His airplane crashed exactly a year before his portfolio crashed. He got out just in time.

Beverly Hills residents suffered more coyote attacks on their pets Monday. The coyotes deploy females in heat to lure dogs outside, then devour them. In their own defense, the coyotes say the dogs should never have signed up for such stupid mortgages.

The New York Yankees re-signed general manager Brian Cashman Thursday. The team needs to recapture its focus. Alex Rodriguez cheered up sick kids in the hospital this morning by promising them he would fill an inside straight in tonight's big game.

Bill Clinton began campaigning for Barack Obama in Florida on Wednesday. The two men couldn't be more different. Polls say that Barack Obama seems detached from the needs of ordinary Americans, as opposed to Bill Clinton who was on top of everything.

Playboy Enterprises sank to three dollars a share Friday. Their target readers play video games like Grand Theft Auto. Any game that lets you drive extremely fast without having to pay for gas has replaced anonymous sex as everyone's favorite fantasy.

Warren Buffett bought GE Thursday a week after he bought Goldman Sachs. He's enjoying the bloodbath. Last night Warren Buffett went to a Halloween party wearing the front page of the Wall Street Journal over his face and he won for scariest costume.

The U.S. Senate passed a Wall Street bailout bill including two hundred million dollars for Puerto Rican and Virgin Island rum distillers. No apology needed. We are doing all we can to help investment bankers and if they like daiquiris, so be it.

President Bush met with small business owners in the White House Thursday and asked them to back the bailout bill. He urged them to go to Congress and explain their plight. The last time they went to Capitol Hill they were large business owners.

John McCain cut off all campaign advertising in Michigan Thursday. The state's economy is too beleaguered to go Republican this year. Starting next month, General Motors will be offering a laid-off autoworker with the purchase of any GM car or truck.

Hillary Clinton was reported Thursday to be campaigning half-heartedly for Barack Obama because he won't promise her a Supreme Court nomination. Barack Obama is no fool. He's not about to give her a chance to reverse the result of the Iowa caucus.

Watergate burglar Gordon Liddy starred in commercials pitching gold coins for financial security Friday. The Nixon White House was nothing like the Bush White House. You don't need Woodward and Bernstein to realize who broke into the Middle East.

President Bush's warnings of hard times frightened retailers into putting Christmas merchandise on sale already. They worry he has scared consumers out of buying anything. You can invade the wrong country, ignore hurricane victims and crash the stock market, but you aren't the worst president in history til you've stolen Christmas.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio