Argus Hamilton's column for 10-17-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

CBS News anchor Bob Schieffer hosted the debate Wednesday between Barack Obama and John McCain. They spent ninety minutes thanking him for his question, ignoring the question, then doing their act. Marriage counselors always tell people in a rut like this to try new positions.

Hillary Clinton appeared on CNN after the presidential debate Wednesday. She said President Obama's policies will be wonderful for America. She was choking on her words so badly that President Bush called and told her to stay away from the pretzels.

Barack Obama stressed the importance of sex education during Wednesday's debate. He said young people must be taught they can't behave in a cavalier way. The Cavaliers and their descendants have always believed that the luckiest of men should have the jolliest of times.

McDonald's on Wall Street reported lunch lines so long last week that it forced many customers away. You can't beat McDonald's when it comes to marketing tie-ins. The idea of handing out Gordon Gekko action figures with each Happy Meal was sheer genius.

The Museum of American Finance in New York invited laid-off bankers and brokers to act as volunteer museum tour guides Tuesday. They have quite a story to tell. One of these days this will be a beloved Christmas movie about all the wonderful things that would have happened to people if these Wall Street guys had never lived.

Tina Fey's impression of Sarah Palin drew so many millions of hits on NBC's website last week that Saturday Night Live may start its own website of its most famous sketches. What a phenomenon. Sarah Palin is so good for political comedy that only a DNA test will convince anyone that Dan Quayle and Monica Lewinsky are not her parents.

Motorola celebrated the twenty-fifth anniversary of the first cell-phone call Tuesday. The first call went to Alexander Graham Bell's grandson. Everyone today agrees the invention was one small step for man, one giant leap for auto body repair.

Beverly Hills tour bus companies began using double-deck buses from England to take tourists around. The roofs are sheared off, making the upper deck open-air. The double-decker buses are big enough to hold two hundred people, or sixty-two Americans.

President Bush announced a quarter trillion dollar U.S. investment in nine banks Tuesday to bail them out. The bank chairmen don't want it. Five years ago when the government bailed out the oil industry, the CEO of Iraq ended up swinging from a rope.

John McCain was estimated by an actuarial Tuesday to have one chance in four of living all the way through a second term in office. He's getting up there. When John McCain visited the Dinosaur National Monument in Utah as a teenager, it was a zoo.

The Senate opened a probe Tuesday into charges that the NSA recorded phone sex conversations between Americans working in Iraq and handed them around the office for fun. We should get off their backs. There were no weapons of mass destruction or ties to al-Qaeda in Iraq, and you can't expect the NSA to sit around all day listening to dead air.

The journal Archives of Neurology said Tuesday that moderate drinking will water down your mind even if it's good for your cardiovascular system. Drinking gives people a fit and healthy heart but an atrophied brain. Gym teachers aren't born, they have to be made.

Sarah Palin discussed energy independence on Rush Limbaugh's show Tuesday. She stated she believes in oil drilling in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge, safe nuclear power, and clean-burning coal. She read about it in her copy of Unscientific American.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio