Argus Hamilton's column for 10-14-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Sarah Palin will host NBC's Saturday Night Live in two weeks with Tina Fey. Don't miss the opening segment. Sarah and Tina take turns saying idiotic things and the crowd has to guess which ones are jokes and which ones are Republican policy proposals.

The Catalina Sky Survey telescope spotted an asteroid heading for earth Friday and issued an alert. Fortunately it exploded in the sky before impact. America's financial system may be destroyed but at least our missile defense system still works.

General Motors fell to five dollars a share Friday, mirroring Ford's fall. This is a separate crisis from Wall Street's. The difference between the auto industry and the financial industry is that in the financial industry, airbags cause the crash.

President Bush went on the air Saturday and urged investors and Wall Street traders to stay calm. The safety net is there for everybody. Any Republican who makes less than two hundred thousand dollars a year automatically qualifies for golf ball stamps.

New York comedy clubs sold out Friday after Wall Street's collapse. During the Great Depression, comedians got rich. It's why comedians are circulating petitions calling for President Bush to declare a national emergency and stay in office forever.

Dallas Cowboys safety PacMan Jones was subdued by police Tuesday after fighting with his team-assigned bodyguard. He's been involved in a dozen shootings and car wrecks. PacMan Jones being the team's safety is like making Michael Vick the team veterinarian.

O.J. Simpson's lawyer demanded a new trial Saturday following O.J.'s conviction for robbery in Las Vegas. He says O.J. didn't get a fair trial. The jury refused to consider O.J.'s perfectly logical defense that he's a murderer, not a room service waiter.

Congressman John Lewis accused John McCain of stoking racial hatred Saturday, prompting McCain to accuse Lewis of bringing up race. Why are they bothering to talk about race? We're all so covered in red ink nobody can tell what color anybody is.

John McCain frustrated supporters at a Minnesota town hall meeting by praising Barack Obama in response to a questioner. There's a reason he's backing off the attack. Republicans play golf so much they think that the low score wins the election.

Sarah Palin was cited for ethical lapses by Alaska lawmakers Friday. Let's hear her side. You always hear about the ninety thousand dollars in Congressman William Jefferson's freezer, but you never hear about the three fingers he lost to frostbite.

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were ordered Friday to start buying up forty billion dollars a month of toxic assets held by banks. It's a change for Freddie and Fannie. They are getting out of the home mortgage business and getting into waste management.

President Bush held a meeting of the Group of Seven finance ministers Saturday at the White House. They were coordinating their economic crisis response. They used to be the Group of Eight, but Russia had to take a time-out for invading Georgia.

Oliver Stone's movie about President Bush premieres Friday. It says he invaded Iraq to show up his father in front of his mother. Whenever you get too sad thinking about all the victims of broken homes, think of all the victims of intact ones.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio