Argus Hamilton's column for 10-13-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Wall Street staged a major rally after a disastrous opening Friday. The market responded to leadership. The rally began when Bill Clinton went on the air and reminded Americans that just because something is crooked doesn't mean it can't go up.

Baghdad's stock market was reported booming Friday thanks to Iraq's recovering economy. Its stock exchange isn't yet linked to the global financial system. American investors are calling the troops in Iraq and asking them to please send us some armor.

President Bush went on television Friday to assure Wall Street that he's doing everything he can imagine to stop the market slide. He's so lost. This is the first problem he's ever faced that couldn't be solved by getting sober or invading somebody.

Commerce Bank of New York reported Friday that the coin redemption machines in its lobbies had a huge jump in transactions all week. It was easy to spot all the investment bankers in line. They were carrying their pennies in Cole-Haan shoe boxes.

Wall Street staged a furious rally in the final hour of trading Friday. At one point the Dow was actually in plus territory. They hadn't seen the plus sign in so long Bill Maher complained that Wall Street was endorsing Christianity.

London erupted in riots Friday when some British banks were nationalized. John McCain was shouted at by supporters to stop the socialism. Republicans are out on the streets waving the eighteen flags of capitalism, one for every hole on the course.

Barack Obama fundraiser Terrence Bean was outed Friday as a movie studio chief who makes gay sex movies. It could cost Obama votes in the Heartland. Americans by and large are very offended by sodomy unless it's performed by a licensed stockbroker.

Sarah Palin was wildly cheered during her speech in Wisconsin Thursday as John McCain stood onstage next to her. He looks a little embarrassed whenever she says Golly Gee and Gol Dang. Those were two strippers he knew in Vietnam.

The Coast Guard intercepted another mini-sub full of cocaine off the West Coast last week. Everyone knows when they're coming. Whenever the shipment gets within twenty miles of the drop-off point, blondes begin running into the ocean like grunion.

Connecticut's Supreme Court said Friday that gay couples in the state have the same right to get married as straight couples. The Republicans were dancing in the street. For a second there they thought they were going to have to run on the economy.

Christmas sales were advertised six weeks early by retailers Friday who fear no one will go shopping in December. We've given up on Santa Claus. Before going to bed on Christmas Eve, everyone will be leaving milk and cookies out for Warren Buffett.

John McCain proposed Friday that tax rules requiring seniors to sell a portion of their retirement account every year be suspended until the market recovers. The crowd reaction was restless. They wanted to hear Lester Maddox's I Have an Ax speech.

Barack Obama lectured Republicans Friday for bringing up his past associations with terrorists, anti-American pastors, and Chicago real estate crooks, and his cocaine use and alleged Muslim ties. The last charge isn't fair. He opened his speech with a prayer in which he thanked Jesus Christ for his mail-in vote in Nevada Tuesday.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio