Argus Hamilton's column for 10-10-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Cotton Bowl hosts the annual game between Oklahoma and Texas Saturday. The oil crowd is on their best behavior. They know if they spend too much money on alcohol and luxury hotels President Bush will seize college football and sell it to Citigroup.

Barack Obama was confronted on the campaign trail Wednesday over controversial associations in Chicago. It could cost him the presidency. If he manages to blow a six-point lead this close to the finish line he could replace Ernie Banks as Mr. Cub.

Dallas Cowboys players were found to have been fraudulently registered as Nevada voters by a liberal group Tuesday. They were just taking names from the sports pages. If they wanted to get away with everything they should have stolen the names from the business section.

Sarah Palin's family tree showed Tuesday she's Franklin Roosevelt's and Princess Diana's ninth cousin. It's a grim sign for John McCain. Sarah Palin is genetically pre-disposed to steal the spotlight and to be the president during a great depression.

Joe Biden said Sarah Palin's tactic of bringing up Barack Obama's past links to Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Chicago crook Tony Rezko and Sixties radical bomber Bill Ayers is mildly dangerous. He was afraid to criticize her too harshly. Joe Biden is such an ineffective attack dog that Michael Vick would have donated him to a children's shelter.

The London Stock Exchange chaplain wrote a blog post Monday saying gays should have warnings tattooed on their backsides and chins. Don't be angry at him. He was just trying to think of some way to use up all the black ink the stock market is not using.

Wall Streeters looked worn after the Dow Jones dropped one thousand points in five trading days. The most popular investment seminars are now hosted by Hollywood stunt men. Everybody wants to learn how to jump off a speeding train without getting killed.

AIG executives vacationed at a luxury spa in Southern California after they were bailed out last week. They spent their bailout on manicures, bar tabs, back rubs and greens fees. You want to be tanned, rested and ready when the guillotine rolls up.

The Federal Reserve cut a key interest rate to a point and a half on Wednesday. Now it's even easier for people to go into debt. So many homeowners in Los Angeles are digging a hole for themselves, it's cut the cost of subway construction by two-thirds.

Cook County sheriffs in Chicago suspended evictions of homeowners who were delinquent in their mortgage payments Wednesday. For weeks, men in uniform have been chasing people off the land they thought was theirs. We could have celebrated Columbus Day with a mattress sale but the Bush Administration wanted to go with a re-enactment.

Barack Obama admitted in Men's Health magazine that he still occasionally smokes cigarettes. It's just politics. In order to carry the tobacco states he admits he is still a smoker, and in order to carry California he's going to get breast implants.

Vladimir Putin released a video called Let's Learn Judo with Vladimir Putin. It's a martial arts tape. He teaches Russian judo students how to punch, kick and knock down your opponent and if that doesn't work, poison his Gatorade after the match.

John McCain had to stand onstage next to Sarah Palin in Pennsylvania Wednesday as she brought down the house, line after line, while introducing him. Every comedian sympathized with McCain. We've all had to follow Gallagher at one time in our careers.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.


###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio