Argus Hamilton's column for 9-9-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Eyewear designer Kazuo Kawasaki was besieged Saturday by retail orders for the eyeglasses worn by Sarah Palin. Already she's influencing American culture. If you think sales of eyeglasses are soaring you ought to see the numbers for home pregnancy kits.

Sarah Palin was a huge hit with crowds on the campaign trail Saturday when she toured Wisconsin and Colorado. In one town she stopped by the local Moose Lodge. To the lodge members she's Joan of Arc but to the moose on the wall, she's O.J. Simpson.

Sarah Palin was accused by Democrats Friday of abandoning her five kids to run for office. A large family is rare up there. It's so cold in Alaska that by the time couples get all their clothes off the sun's coming up and it's time to go to work.

Alaska sent out two-thousand-dollar dividend checks to every citizen Friday as their share of the state's oil revenue. There are active groups in the state that want to secede from the Union. Perhaps Barack Obama really is another Abraham Lincoln.

Barack Obama called for vocational training in public schools Friday. It works for Los Angeles kids. In shop class they teach boys how to do construction work and in metal work class they teach girls how to grip a steel pole and dance around it.

Barack Obama mocked the notion that John McCain and Sarah Palin were agents of change Saturday. It got Hollywood's attention. As soon as people hear that somebody has changed agents, they immediately want to know which agency is signing new clients.

Barack Obama said Sarah Palin pretends to be against earmarks when she lobbied for them and John McCain pretends to be against lobbyists when they run his campaign. That's politics. Barack Obama pretends to be black and Joe Biden pretends to have hair.

The New York Post published a poll of pet owners Sunday saying seventy percent of Americans share their beds and sleep with their animals. It's obvious why. The first thing people cancel during tough economic times is their home security service.

The Treasury Department took over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac Sunday, putting taxpayers on the hook for billions in bad mortgages. We'll get out of it somehow. The British once burned down the White House only to discover it was insured by Lloyd's of London.

Las Vegas reported low attendance numbers this Labor Day weekend when expected crowds didn't show. Nevada has lost its monopoly on gaming. If people want to lose their money fifty dollars at a time the only handle they have to pull is on the gas pump.

Cincinnati Bengals star Chad Johnson legally changed his name to Ocho Cinquo on Friday. He loves to be different. The Bengals have had a lot of players pulled over by Ohio state troopers and jailed but none of them have been pulled over and deported.

Mexico suspended exports of beef and poultry to the U.S. Friday over sanitation violations. It's about time. They must clean up their act before Colonel Sanders's face turns green on the bucket and his competitor changes its name to El Pollo Yucko.

John McCain and Barack Obama will observe the seventh anniversary of the World Trade Center attacks together in a non-partisan ceremony in New York Thursday. They turned down a request by one group to spend the day performing community service. Republicans don't work for free and Democrats don't take jobs away from union janitors.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio