Argus Hamilton's column for 9-8-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The White House revealed that the nation's unemployment rate hit six percent Friday but insisted parts of the country are doing very well. That same day, every Alaskan got a check for two thousand dollars. It's not oil dividends, it's hush money.

Sarah Palin got huge approval ratings Friday as reporters dug mercilessly into her past. They learned she attended six colleges in six years. She graduated from the University of Idaho, but Don Imus pronounced it UCLA just to be on the safe side.

Sarah Palin was cheered by Wisconsin voters as a fellow hunter Friday. Hunting is wildly popular. The typical home in Alaska has the head of a moose mounted on the wall, while in Los Angeles the typical home has the head of a rude freeway driver.

Sarah Palin was denounced by Democrats in speeches and interviews Friday. They deny she's qualified to be president, deny her beliefs and deny she's governor of America's largest state. When the ice melts it won't be any bigger than Rhode Island.

Barack Obama told Scranton Friday that global warming was dangerously real and will increase mosquito-borne diseases. Some are deadly. West Nile virus causes apathy and inattentiveness, in other words it's virtually undetectable in Los Angeles.

Jesse Jackson was hospitalized Monday, two months after he threatened to cut off Barack Obama's testicles. Doctors diagnosed food poisoning. Vladimir Putin called Barack Obama and asked if he'd like to enroll in Russia's leadership training program.

Joe Biden told a Philadelphia audience Friday that Barack Obama will cut taxes for almost everybody. John Edwards recently said that he was ninety-nine percent faithful to his wife. This is why wealthy adulterers move to the Grand Cayman Islands.

John McCain's campaign got a cease-and-desist order Friday from Seventies band Heart. They don't want their song Barracuda being played to bring on Sarah Palin. John McCain got permission from Chrysler, he thought the song was about a Plymouth.

Maryland's legislature will debate a bill banning sex between state officials and employees who work for them. What a terrible idea. If you can't have sex with people you can fire, we are never going to attract our best people to government work.

The London Stock Exchange plunged on Friday the day after Wall Street suffered a three hundred fifty point drop in the Dow. It set a precedent. Until now it was a Bush family tradition that you don't take up skydiving until after you leave office.

President Bush called South Carolina's governor Friday to see if he needed any help with the arrival of Hurricane Hanna. Republicans always say the same thing about hurricanes. If you can avoid the water it's like hitting a golf ball on the moon.

Bob Woodward's new book ripped President Bush over his war leadership. We will never invade another country for oil. Once the Oklahoma energy barons sponsoring the conventions get us switched over to gas, we'll be invading Mexico for their food.

The Pentagon advised President Bush Friday not to pull any more troops out of Iraq and bring them home to the United States. The place is on the brink of a dangerous civil war between irreconcilable partisan factions. They are safer in Iraq.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio