Argus Hamilton's column for 9-3-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Hurricane Gustav slammed into Louisiana Monday, forcing President Bush and Dick Cheney to cancel their appearances at the Republican convention. What a break for John McCain. When Pat Robertson told him he could help him, he didn't really believe it.

Hurricane Gustav monopolized the newscasts Monday and knocked the presidential race off the air. Voters do need more information. People in Los Angeles see the presidential contest as a choice between the half-black guy and the half-dead guy.

Hurricane Gustav hit New Orleans with a fourteen-foot storm surge Monday. Fixed cameras broadcast the drama live as the surge tried to break through but the levees held. The New Orleans Saints immediately lifted their ban on Jewish defensive linemen.

The GOP convention cut social events due to Hurricane Gustav on Monday, causing delegates to grumble. When the hurricane arrived it brought hard rains and winds of ninety miles an hour. It's what Republicans consider ideal British Open conditions.

The GOP convention proceeded cautiously Monday as delegates awaited news of the hurricane. The sense of shared concern was palpable. Every ten minutes Fox News would break into convention coverage to assure the nation that the oil rigs were okay.

President Bush flew to Texas Monday to supervise evacuation and relief efforts for Louisiana. He was calm and reassuring and clearly in command. He's been this way since Billy Graham met with him two weeks ago and got him to start drinking again.

President Bush praised the federal response to Hurricane Gustav Monday as the storm abated. He said inter-agency cooperation for Gustav was much better than it was for Katrina. It's just more evidence of sexism within the Republican party.

John McCain and Sarah Palin flew to Mississippi's emergency disaster response center Sunday. The Alaska governor is already paying dividends for the ticket. She saved the campaign forty dollars when she went outside and killed something for lunch.

John McCain's running mate Sarah Palin said Monday that her seventeen-year-old daughter is pregnant and plans to marry the father. It's no surprise. The Palin clan is anti-abortion and pro-gun, which means that shotgun weddings are all they know.

Sarah Palin asked for privacy after her daughter's pregnancy was revealed. Not at this level. Until her boyfriend in Alaska was named as the father, the National Enquirer was looking everywhere for a picture of John Edwards wearing a sealskin coat.

Pastor Jeremiah Wright told a congregation Sunday Barack Obama may be the first president to have a black woman sleeping at the White House legally. Comedians were thrilled to see the loudmouth back in the news, for the candidate's sake. We've used up all the savior jokes on Obama and it's not nice to make fun of somebody's ears.

Laura Bush gave a welcoming speech to the GOP convention Monday and was joined onstage by Cindy McCain. The librarian passed the torch to the beer distributor. For Republicans the transition will be as easy as going from high school to college.

Chicago school students skipped the first day of class to protest overcrowded classrooms and outdated textbooks. It won't be a problem for long. If they hang onto those Social Studies books, the Soviet Union will be back and they'll be right again.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio