Argus Hamilton's column for 9-26-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Bush gave a televised address to the nation Wednesday about the Wall Street bailout. He said taxpayers must put up seven hundred billion dollars to save the financial system. At least when O.J. Simpson holds you up he signs a few autographs.

Roger Clemens was excluded from Yankee Stadium's final event Sunday due to his dubious steroid testimony in Washington D.C. He's under FBI investigation for lying to Congress. If we put people in jail for that, we wouldn't have a Treasury Secretary.

JFK Airport in New York was evacuated Tuesday when two paperweights resembling Second World War grenades were found in luggage. As soon as they were identified as World War II grenades, everybody felt better. It meant the Great Depression is over.

President Bush was reported Tuesday to have bought a home at Preston Hollow in Dallas. He will keep his ranch, where he wants to raise horses. After eight years of running foreign and economic policy his way, he's not ready to give up manure.

President Bush got huge applause at the United Nations Tuesday. He just seized control of the banking, real estate and insurance industries. He was cheered by Third World leaders as one of their own and invited to their after-hours party for the first time in eight years.


Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's United Nations speech Tuesday raised more fears of a new pre-emptive war. Everybody's worried about an unstable government with nuclear weapons. If John McCain and Sarah Palin are elected we could be invaded.

John McCain suspended his campaign and hurried back to Washington Wednesday to try to help Congress write a bailout bill. His arrival was welcomed. He's the only senator with the life experience to withstand this kind of beating from the taxpayers.

Barack Obama said Wednesday he didn't want to postpone tonight's debate at the Ole Miss campus. He has a good ground operation there. There are posters all over Mississippi informing descendants of Confederate soldiers that they vote on Wednesday.

Sarah Palin met with foreign heads of state at her U.N. appearance Wednesday to show the world she's ready to be president. She was beaming from ear to ear with excitement and joy. Everyone looks like that on their very first trip to New York City.

Joe Biden told CBS News Tuesday that when Wall Street crashed in 1929, Franklin Roosevelt went on television and instilled national confidence. However, Herbert Hoover was president and there was no television. Researchers have just gone scrambling into Joe Biden's past looking for his Los Angeles high school diploma.

Sharon Bush was reported Thursday to have written a book called Bushology. The president's ex-sister-in-law reveals family secrets about him. The only thing we don't know about George Bush is whether to blame everything on his drinking or his sobriety.

North Korea reneged on their nuclear disarmament deal Tuesday and restarted their weapons reactor. They aren't considered much of a threat. It's true that North Korea has missiles that can reach Los Angeles, as long as they fired them from Santa Monica.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad predicted America's demise Tuesday. The bar is not set very high for him. He was just re-elected president of Iran by asking the people of Iran if they were better off now than they were four thousand years ago.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio