Argus Hamilton's column for 9-25-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Spanish police arrested a self-styled Robin Hood in Madrid Friday. He took out millions of dollars in loans and gave the money to the poor, and now he refuses to pay it back. He had to sit in jail for two hours before he was bailed out by U.S. taxpayers.

President Bush released his taxpayer-funded bailout plan for banks Saturday in which taxpayers don't get any of the property, we get all the debt. It's having a ripple effect upon the comedy world. California blondes are now telling President Bush jokes.

The Chicago Cubs made the playoffs Sunday and fans went wild with World Series dreams. The last time they won the World Series, Teddy Roosevelt was president and the average price of a home was forty-five hundred dollars. Some things never change.

Yankee Stadium allowed fans onto the field ahead of the last game Sunday before the ballpark gets blown up the day before Election Day. George Steinbrenner knows what he's doing. Whenever there's an explosion in New York everybody votes Republican.

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil fall below a hundred dollars per barrel last week. Californians don't care about their stocks, pensions and houses. They're so happy they can afford to drive they'll never again lose sight of what's important.

Paris Hilton lost two of her pet Chihuahuas to a coyote attack last week, prompting alarm in Beverly Hills. She was never in any danger herself. A coyote would never attack an actress, if only out of courtesy to a fellow member of the Predators Union.

The Ryder Cup matches drew huge and boisterous galleries to Valhalla Golf Club in Louisville last week. The game now has mass appeal. Golf used to be a country club sport for high-church Protestants, but today it's open to anyone with plaid pants.

Paris travel agency Terre Entiere began offering tourists a Christmas vacation package to Iraq. So far, no takers for the Iraqi sightseeing holiday. Everybody's afraid that if they sign up for the trip they will be forced to serve three tours of vacation.

John McCain said Friday we must defeat the Taliban in Afghanistan. He's against the stoning of women, he's against arranged marriages and he's against the beheading of infidels. He is considered dangerously out of touch with traditional family values.

San Francisco voters may name a sewage treatment plant after President Bush on Election Day. They'll also vote whether to let people pay for sex in San Francisco. One involves antiseptic treatment of human waste and the other's too gross to describe.

The National Enquirer cited rumored love letters to claim that Barack Obama's marriage has exploded. They asked for tips to see if he's sleeping around. The National Enquirer believes if a politician isn't getting fat, there must be a reason.

John Edwards said Friday he has canceled all appearances through Election Day to keep from being a distraction, due to his marital infidelity becoming public knowledge. If he'd come clean at the start of the campaign, Hillary Clinton would have won every primary. It was the second time that infidelity has locked her out of the Oval Office.

The Justice Department on Friday declined to prosecute former congressmen Mark Foley for sending salacious e-mails to underage male pages after neither he nor the House would let prosecutors look at his computer. If Sarah Palin wants to keep her e-mails secret she is going to have to switch to gay guys. Maybe they can do something with her hair.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio