Argus Hamilton's column for 9-24-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Paris Hilton lost two of her pet Chihuahuas to a coyote attack last week in the Hollywood Hills. The dogs took a risk by going outside the fence and had to pay the price. That's the difference between a Chihuahua and a Wall Street investment bank.

The Treasury Department pledged over a trillion dollars to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, AIG, and major banks. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Every dime we spend saving the economy is another dime Dick Cheney won't have to invade Iran.

Yankee Stadium invited old-timer fans to share ballpark memories Sunday. Ninety-year-olds said Babe Ruth wept rounding third base when he hit the stadium's first home run. Because of Prohibition he knew that was going to be the highlight of his day.

Microsoft pulled its ads staring Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates after two weeks because the ads weren't funny. It's not something you can teach. President Bush may not be the best president we've ever had, but because he's funny, he will always work.

President Bush toasted Hispanic Heritage Month at the White House Saturday. He spent all week nationalizing the banking, stock market, real estate and insurance industries. President Bush loves Mexico so much he wants America to look just like it.

Galveston residents made plans to return home a week after Hurricane Ike. They fear looting. It didn't help Friday when television news showed Warren Buffett running across the floor of the New York Stock Exchange stuffing companies into a pillow case.

Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez mocked the Wall Street debacle Thursday. He held three hundred million dollars in Lehman Brothers bonds. When he told the U.N. President Bush was the devil, he never thought he'd have to come to him for a bailout.

Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean's family was spotlighted by the crisis on Wall Street. His mother's side founded Merrill Lynch and his father's side founded Dean Witter. Howard Dean never liked to talk about his family's investment firms, but now that they're all broke he highlights it as his link to working-class Democrats.

Sarah Palin's personal e-mail and photos were hacked and posted online Tuesday by a twenty-year-old guy. He said hacking her account was easy. He read her bio on Wikipedia and immediately figured out that her password is Bullwinkle-Must-Die.

The New York Post said social networking sites have replaced porn as the Internet's top draw. People would rather hook up for real than watch others have sex. Al Gore will only say now that he invented the Internet during a troubled time in his marriage.

The White House said President Bush will meet with Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas this week in Washington D.C. Every president does this during his last three months in office. It's only human nature to try to make nice with God on the way out.

Barack Obama said Friday there shouldn't be a bailout for Wall Street unless ordinary Americans also get help. He said he wants everyone to get a check for one thousand dollars. Everybody's excited because it's just enough for a low down payment.

The State Department admitted Thursday that the nuclear disarmament deal with North Korea is falling apart. The situation is very dangerous. North Korea's leader is incapacitated and now the Treasury Secretary is running everything.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio