Argus Hamilton's column for 9-2-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The Republican convention in St. Paul denied Trojan condoms an inflatable advertising display like the one in the lobby of the Democratic convention. Republicans are wary about safe sex. They trusted the rhythm method with Iraq and we're still not out.

Las Vegas hotels offered rooms at giveaway rates over Labor Day weekend to try to lure Los Angeles customers. The town will put you up for free. All you have to do is commit armed robbery and kidnapping in a hotel room to get your memorabilia back.

Hurricane Gustav prompted full-scale government mobilization Saturday. Lessons learned. As it approached, Mayor Nagin ordered New Orleans evacuated, President Bush switched over from SportsCenter, and FEMA headed off for the flooded farmland in Iowa.

John McCain suspended the GOP convention Sunday as Hurricane Gustav bore down on Louisiana. The Republicans aren't worried about losing Louisiana to Democrats, they're worried about losing it to the ocean. As close as these elections have been they can't afford to hand nine electoral votes to Neptune.

Hurricane Gustav was reported gathering strength Saturday as the storm entered the Gulf of Mexico at Category Four strength and Louisiana began evacuating. There's one bright side. All the cars driving north are getting four hundred miles per gallon.

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin warned against public mischief if Hurricane Gustav hits town. It's futile. Before most pending disasters looters are warned they'll be shot on sight, but the Petroleum Club in Houston is known to have bulletproof windows.

Oklahoma declared a state of emergency Saturday to prepare for the arrival of hurricane refugees from Louisiana. It's federal law. Louisianans are required to take shelter in the state of Oklahoma under the Continuity of Terrifying Weather Act.

Hillary Clinton gave the Democrats' weekly radio address Saturday. She didn't seem upset that the Republicans have a woman on the ticket and the Democrats excluded her. Every ten years she gets humiliated in front of God and everybody and she's adjusted to it.

John McCain defied conventional wisdom Friday by picking Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. Everyone is getting to know her. As soon as the press reported that her favorite food was moose, Rocky and Bullwinkle endorsed Barack Obama.

Governor Sarah Palin's image as a frontier woman with a rifle in one arm and a nursing baby in the other arm formed quickly Friday as her record as governor of Alaska came out. Republicans were rapturous. Yesterday an evangelical in Ohio put a piece of white bread in the toaster and when it popped out, Sarah Palin's picture was on it.

Sarah Palin was cheered by freshly energized Republican crowds Saturday out on the trail. She is a beauty queen, a pro-lifer, a conservative, a creationist, and a hunter. Her nomination had evangelicals dancing, and now they face eternity in hell.

Focus on the Family founder James Dobson was overjoyed by Sarah Palin's choice as John McCain's running mate on Saturday. He referred to her selection as the miracle in Dayton. Any other day, a miracle in Dayton is when you bowl a four hundred.

Tiger Woods stars in a new PlayStation golf game released Friday. He was very annoyed because it shows him walking across water to find his golf ball and holing out his shot from the water. He is sick and tired of being confused with Barack Obama.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio