Argus Hamilton's column for 9-19-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

O.J. Simpson's robbery and kidnapping trial got underway in Las Vegas Monday. He was arrested in a law-and-order state and must answer to an all-white jury which includes nine women. His only hope of winning is to name Sarah Palin his co-defendant.

Gulf of Mexico oil rigs survived Hurricane Ike with no damage or injuries. The rigs are solidly constructed and they're outside the reach of U.S. drug, banking and tax laws. They are everybody's next address if their guy doesn't get elected president.

John McCain's spokesman said Monday his work on telecom deregulation led to the BlackBerry. The senator doesn't even know how to text. As many air-to-air missiles as he has launched with his right thumb, learning to type with it should be no problem.

Barack Obama said Monday's stock market fall was the worst day since the Great Depression. He vowed to re-regulate Wall Street and throw investment bankers in jail. If he can't get a cab the next time he's in New York it'll have nothing to do with his race.

Barclays Bank moved in to buy Lehman Brothers Tuesday following the company's bankruptcy. It has a happy ending. When investment bankers are selling apples on street corners, Republicans will finally have a health care plan everybody can afford.

Wall Street rallied Tuesday before plunging again on Wednesday. The market's bouncing like a basketball. The difference is that in basketball, the referees go to jail for fixing the outcomes, and on Wall Street they get re-appointed to seven-year terms.

President Bush assured Texans Monday the U.S. government will pay for all debris removal. It'll take awhile. There are a lot of companies in Texas with the equipment to clear away rubble, but they're not coming back from Iraq for a small job in Galveston.

President Bush visited the hurricane-hit area of Texas Tuesday where he walked on the rubble and wreckage left by the storm. Recently he walked on the rubble and wreckage in New Orleans and he's famously walked on the rubble and wreckage of New York. So you see, Barack Obama isn't the only national leader with nails in his feet.

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil sink to ninety dollars a barrel this week. Sky-high oil prices didn't last long enough for Congress to pass any laws subsidizing cars that run on quirky alternative fuels. It's just more proof that God drives a Corvette.

John McCain stated his opposition to torture of prisoners at Guantanamo Tuesday. The government has sworn off waterboarding prisoners anyway. If they don't tell us what we want to know, we lock them up for five years and then strip them of their taxi medallions.

U.S. General David Petraeus handed over command in Iraq to U.S. General Ray Odierno in a ceremony in Baghdad Tuesday. Drums rolled, swords were raised and flags exchanged. Nowadays sixty is the new forty and forty is the new thirty and Iraq is the new India.

Barack Obama was revealed Tuesday to have a cousin by marriage who's the rabbi of an Ethiopian Jewish congregation in Chicago. His supporters were delighted to hear it. Barack Obama wouldn't be Jesus if he didn't have a couple of Jewish relatives.

Sarah Palin's foreign policy expertise came under fire this week. She only got her passport a year ago, she thinks Iraq is going great and she wants to drill everywhere. She's so much like George Bush that John McCain has begun distancing himself from her.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio