Argus Hamilton's column for 9-18-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The Ryder Cup pits the U.S. team against the European team this week at Valhalla Golf Club in Louisville. The golfers plan to pay tribute to one of the greats who's no longer with us. They will all be wearing black arm bands inscribed Lehman Brothers.

The Dow Jones suffered a five hundred point loss Monday after investment banks fell. Stockbrokers aren't jumping out of any windows. Real estate is falling so fast that all they have to do is hang onto the windowsill and the market does the rest.

Barack Obama said Monday's Lehman Brothers fall was the most serious financial crisis since the Great Depression. That's no way to scare anybody nowadays. Most Californians think the Great Depression ended when Franklin Roosevelt invented Prozac.

John McCain tried to calm Wall Street fears Monday, telling a Florida crowd the fundamentals look strong. He forgot where he was. When he said the fundamentals look strong, the crowd called their bookies and bet on Baylor and Texas Christian Saturday.

O.J. Simpson finally went on trial in Las Vegas Monday on charges of robbery and kidnapping. The robbery was caught on tape. O.J.'s agent was smart to get him booked for kidnapping because you can't get cable news coverage these days without a missing child.

President Bush met Ghana's President John Kufuor at the White House Monday and praised the African leader. He called Ghana a model of entrepreneurship, democracy and peace that is stable and well-governed. It's about time President Bush got a tutor.

General Motors celebrates its centennial Thursday by introducing the Chevrolet Volt, which runs on electricity. It's the car of the future. General Motors can't wait to show how the car can sit up on its rear wheels and beg Congress for a bailout.

Kentucky Fried Chicken hired an armored car Friday to move a piece of paper from one undisclosed location to another. It's believed to contain the Colonel's secret recipe of eleven herbs and spices. Actually it's the location of the Confederate gold.

Sarah Palin was skewered by all the columnists in the New York Times on Sunday for her perceived similarities to George W. Bush and Richard Nixon. The liberals can see it coming. Unless the Democrats run a white male Southern governor, their candidate goes down like the goldfish they won at the state fair when they were seven.

Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will address the U.N. General Assembly next Tuesday. You know what he's thinking. He's just been informed that the Pentagon has approved selling Israel bunker-busting bombs, and he's president of the sand trap.

Congress found out that President Bush's appointees in the Interior Department were having sex with oil company executives. Not everyone's upset. A lot of people were glad to hear that their relationship was still happy after eight years together.

Sarah Palin spelled out her role in a McCain administration for the first time Monday. She'll stay busy. She would focus on energy, government reform and helping families with special-needs children, all while standing on the president's oxygen hose.

Joe Biden spoke in Michigan Monday, where he accused John McCain of delivering a low blow a day against Barack Obama and said McCain has become a disciple of Karl Rove. It may be true. Instead of a cross, John McCain wears a little pollster around his neck.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio