Argus Hamilton's column for 9-15-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Scotland Yard warned Thursday that an e-mail claiming to contain a Barack Obama sex video is actually a computer virus. There's a sex video in it, but it's not Barack Obama. And it's not really sex, the guy is just trying to help the pig over the fence.

Barack Obama dined with Bill Clinton Thursday in his Harlem office. The former president looked very happy as they posed for cameras afterwards. It may be years before Barack Obama discovers it was Bill Clinton who sold John McCain on Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin survived an interview with ABC's Charlie Gibson Friday. She seemed stumped when asked about the Bush Doctrine. It states that just because the weapons of mass destruction were never found it doesn't mean that they couldn't have killed us.

Saudi Arabia's top judge ordered the deaths of owners of TV networks that air lewd shows. He said satellite TV is corrupting the faithful. Richard the Lionheart and President Bush spent their lives trying to defeat Islam, and all it took was Baywatch.

Frank Langella began Broadway rehearsals for A Man for All Seasons, in which he plays Sir Thomas More. The actor welcomed the role of a saint. He's played Dracula and he just played Richard Nixon and he felt like he was getting into a creative rut.

The Interior Department was busted for rampant drug use in its Denver Minerals Office last week. We should declare war on education. If it's nearly as successful as the war on drugs, every kid in America will be hooked on phonics by the spring semester.

Hurricane Ike slammed into the coast of Texas Friday. The weather service told everybody that they would die if they remained in Galveston, and twenty thousand people decided to stay. Texans will take any opportunity to wear their coonskin caps.

Geraldo Rivera was on the beach as Hurricane Ike hit Friday. It can be suicide for a reporter to stand in front of a camera during a hurricane. They all remember Hurricane Carla and what happened to Dan Rather, however that took thirty-eight years.

Galveston cops told residents who stayed Friday to write their Social Security numbers on their arms so they could identify them. That's okay for Texas. If they did this in L.A., the looters would steal the arms to get their credit card information.

Hurricane Ike landed in Texas Friday two weeks after Hurricane Hannah's strike on the Eastern Seaboard and Hurricane Gustav in Louisiana. It just never ends. The director of FEMA has been busier than the Lamaze instructor at a Palin family reunion.

NBC announced Friday it has sold eighty-five percent of its ad time for the Super Bowl in February. They got three million dollars per thirty-second commercial. The network will allow no issue ads, unless the issue is whether or not breasts sell beer.

The Las Vegas jail doctor was busted with a crack pipe in his hand Thursday as he was approaching O.J. Simpson on the steps of the county courthouse. Imagine O.J.'s ire. Even though he retired twenty-eight years ago, he still hates to miss a hand-off.

Texas Armoring of San Antonio said Friday they can't keep up with the demand by NFL players who want to armor plate their SUVs and fit them with bulletproof glass, rear smoke-screens and tacks. It's the league's fault. When players were forced to take their touchdown celebrations out of the end zones, they fell in with the wrong crowd.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio