Argus Hamilton's column for 9-12-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The White House announced that the Treasury Department seized Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac on Sunday. Confusion reigned initially. When it was first reported that the government had seized Fannie, Democrats thought they could impeach George Bush at last.

The Interior Department was faced with a sex scandal at its Denver office this week. The staff has been accused of having sex with oil company executives. It's merely part of a reciprocal agreement the oil companies have with the American people.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady suffered a knee injury Sunday, ending his season. Fans were sickened by the sight of him limping helplessly off the field. Tom Brady can be grateful for two things--he's got his family and he's not a racehorse.

The Discovery Channel ran a documentary about the efforts by animal lovers to rehabilitate Michael Vick's pit bulls. They had been trained to maul and kill their opponents. The one they put the lipstick on is now running for vice president.

Sarah Palin led a nationwide poll Monday asking which candidate Americans feel best understands their problems. It's the hunting angle. During the last year of any Bush administration, we're all killing and skinning wildlife to eat and stay warm.

Barack Obama cracked a joke about putting lipstick on a pig Tuesday, sparking charges by the McCain campaign that he'd slandered Sarah Palin. They accused Barack Obama of sexist attacks and not loving America. Hillary Clinton won the last five primaries with this strategy and now she's lost the role to a younger, prettier actress.

Barack Obama told a lipstick-on-a-pig joke and the crowd cheered thinking he'd called Sarah Palin a pig. It showed that his crowd is hungry for attacks on her. It proved the oldest saying in show business: Christians without lions is no show at all.

New York Governor Dave Paterson accused Republicans of using the term community organizer as a code word for black person. It's true. This week Fox News reported that the Denver Broncos beat the Oakland Community Organizers on Monday Night Football.

Swiss scientists fired up a nine billion dollar particle accelerator Wednesday to simulate the creation of the universe. It's politically controversial. Barack Obama said family members are off-limits in this campaign and that includes his father.

The Vatican blasted Simon and Schuster Wednesday over its new humor book, which lists the top one hundred wild and crazy places for couples to have sex and one of them is a confession booth. The Catholic Church is outraged. That was their secret.

Journal Science reported Tuesday that Americans of British and Northern European descent have a fat gene. It requires four hours a day activity to counteract. Now President Bush can say we're not nation-building in the Middle East, we're exercising.

The Hummer dealership in Las Vegas announced Monday it's closing its doors due to plummeting sales of the SUV. The Vegas dealership is way oversupplied. Every six weeks Charles Barkley arrives in a Hummer and goes home aboard Southwest Airlines.

The O.J. Simpson robbery and kidnapping trial got started this week in Las Vegas with jury selection. Everyone's watching. The last time O.J. Simpson got away with anything the Republicans won control of both houses of Congress for the first time in forty years.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio