Argus Hamilton's column for 9-11-08

HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?

The New England Patriots suffered a huge loss Sunday when Tom Brady's knee was injured. The injury must be pretty bad. The Treasury Department announced the next day that the U.S. government is going to step in and take over the New England Patriots.

President Bush ordered some troops out of Iraq Tuesday in the wake of Iraq's seventy billion dollar budget surplus. We'll catch up. The U.S. government just took over five trillion dollars in mortgages and one of those houses must have oil under it.

Charles Barkley had his colonoscopy televised Friday to encourage black men in their forties to get the exam. Everyone's scared of them. They did one on Barack Obama and doctors found an anti-American preacher, a Chicago radical and a brother in a hut.

Reverend Jeremiah Wright was exposed Monday in an affair with a married Dallas woman. That's how he met his current wife, too. Thank God David Duchovny went to rehab for sex addiction, at the rate he was going he was headed straight for divinity school.

The Gallup Poll on Tuesday showed a startling shift in support for John McCain since the convention. the breakdown is interesting. Thanks to Sarah Palin, John McCain is so popular with white women voters he's just been asked to join a boy band.

O.J. Simpson's trial in Las Vegas began with jury selection Monday. The judge ordered jurors to stay off gambling websites that take bets on the jury's verdict. O.J. always covers the spread, it might be with blood, but O.J. always covers the spread.

Sarah Palin got Dick Cheney's endorsement for vice president on Monday. She is a real hunter. Dick Cheney once ordered his dog to find a safe place to sit at the firing range and that dog is alive today because he sat down in front of the bulls-eye.

Sarah Palin was accused on the cable networks Monday of speaking in tongues at her former Pentecostal church. It goes with the territory. Parts of Alaska are so remote and so far out in the wilderness that even the Episcopalians work with snakes.

John McCain and Sarah Palin campaigned together in Missouri, Albuquerque and Ohio this past week where at every stop she told the crowd how heroic, brave and strong he is. He's married to a rodeo queen and he's running with Miss Wasilla. All the guys at the USC Film School just changed their majors to political science.

Joe Lieberman skipped the Democratic caucus luncheon in Washington Tuesday. He knows they are mad at him for endorsing McCain. He felt a little unwelcome at last week's breakfast when everybody got pancakes and they served him Eggs Benedict Arnold.

Barack Obama promised Ohio voters Tuesday that he'll double charter school funding. He also promised to pay teachers for their performance and replace teachers who are no good. Students want to know what he is going to do about teachers who snore in bed.

Bill and Hillary Clinton got a standing ovation when they were recognized from the Broadway stage Sunday at the musical Hair. What a treat for the crowd. And what a coincidence that they would have bought tickets to the same show on the same night.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il missed his nation's birthday parade Tuesday. He hasn't been seen in public, on TV or in the newspapers for a month. The first thing he did after agreeing to dismantle his nuclear arsenal was to sign with William Morris.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio