Argus Hamilton's column for 8-31-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Boone Pickens went to the Democratic party convention last week to promote his energy plan. The Republican oilman was welcomed by the Democrats. It wouldn't be a Democratic party convention if there wasn't at least one unnatural act on the floor.

Captain Morgan announced for president in a new rum promotion Friday. He drank, womanized, ran slaves and paid no taxes. It's normal to pay tribute to the Founding Fathers when you announce for president, but it's awfully courageous to imitate them.

Barack Obama attempted a workman-like speech in Denver to play down his Messiah image. It was against type. Bookies posted even odds Barack Obama would ride into the stadium on an ass, but at the last second Jesse Jackson came down with back spasms.

Hillary Clinton was rumored in Denver Thursday to have been promised a Supreme Court seat for supporting Barack Obama. It's grim news. If true, the highest court in the land is sure to ratify the generally accepted belief that oral sex is adultery.

Barack Obama wowed the crowd at Denver's Mile High Stadium with his acceptance speech Thursday. Everybody was treated to a tremendous fireworks show in the sky afterwards. Bill and Hillary were in a plane overhead arguing over whose fault it was.

Barack Obama spoke to eighty thousand fans at Mile High Stadium on Thursday on a stage that looked like an ancient Roman temple. How very shrewd. If Barack Obama wants to carry the Catholic vote in Pennsylvania, he must convince them he's the pope.

Barack Obama's stage set at Mile High Stadium Thursday was designed by Britney Spears's stage set designer from Hollywood. That makes sense. She's been fighting off charges for years that she's not a celebrity, she's just a presidential candidate.

Planned Parenthood set up a booth in the Democratic convention lobby Wednesday night to give out free condoms. Trojan condoms also had a huge booth in the lobby. Who says Democrats don't know how to protect Americans from biological weapons?

Stevie Wonder entertained before Barack Obama's speech in Denver Thursday by playing a song on the harmonica. The Republican convention should counter by asking Colin Powell to recreate his U.N. Security Council presentation proving that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. We'll just see which party's got the blindest black guys.

Hurricane Gustav was reported heading for the Louisiana coast Friday. Authorities are having a hard time getting New Orleans residents to evacuate. During the last hurricane they found out the hard way that liquor stores are closed on Sundays in Oklahoma City.

Russia's Vladimir Putin said Thursday he suspects certain people in the United States provoked the crisis in Georgia to help a certain presidential candidate. He is absolutely right. A nuclear war would really put the wind at Ralph Nader's back.

The White House appealed a court ruling that staffers must testify to Congress when subpoenaed. Imagine the administration's shock. President Bush threw a fit when he was told there was no such thing in English Common Law as the Cone of Silence.

O.J. Simpson ripped reporters Thursday for revealing he was knocked to the ground by his daughter. He said it must be a slow news day. The first sign that you may be smoking too much pot is when the first black man in history gets nominated for president, a hurricane is reported heading for New Orleans, U.S. warships are headed for a Black Sea port seized by the Russians, and you think it's a slow news day.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio