Argus Hamilton's column for 8-3-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Green Bay Packers offered Brett Favre twenty million dollars Thursday to retire to his farm down in Mississippi. That's odd. Mississippi leads the nation in obesity and in per capita consumption of beer, you shouldn't have to pay people to live there.

President Bush urged Congress to pass offshore drilling Thursday, with the vast majority of the nation behind him. We aren't about to change our lifestyles. The day before, Detroit introduced a six-hundred-horsepower Corvette which runs on ground-up Priuses.

White House loyalist Karl Rove was charged with contempt of Congress Wednesday for refusing to testify. It's about using politics to hire and fire U.S. attorneys. Republicans only play golf in twosomes because it requires three to prove a conspiracy.

Alabama Democrats were put under investigation by the state's attorney general for vote fraud Thursday. He says Democrats sold their votes for cash, for gravel and for crack. While it's true that life imitates art, more often it imitates Chicago.

Exxon Mobil reported the largest quarterly profit in business history Thursday with almost twelve billion in earnings. How much money have they made in the last year? If Exxon had any sense they'd give up on offshore drilling and go into offshore banking.

Barack Obama laughed off GOP ads calling him a mere celebrity Thursday. He can be a bit self-centered. Last week in Berlin he gave a speech in front of a column commemorating three wars of German aggression and he thought the cheering was for him.

Barack Obama accused John McCain Wednesday of sowing doubts about him because he doesn't look like all the other presidents pictured on U.S. currency. The Democrat knows his audience. If Barack Obama looked like a slaveowner he would be forty points ahead and John McCain would be playing the guitar in commercials with Bob Dole.

Barack Obama insinuated Thursday that Republicans are always reminding voters he's black. It was startling. When Depends first came out, doctors were horrified to discover how many people were incontinent, and now we find out that everybody's blind.

John McCain reacted angrily Thursday to Barack Obama's insinuation that he was stirring up prejudice. Anger is his reaction to everything. When John McCain was twelve years old he learned to shoot during accordion solos on the Lawrence Welk Show.

Hillary Clinton was removed from Barack Obama's list of possible running mates Thursday. She'll be back. She was last seen holding up a clump of dirt in front of her mansion in Chappaqua and vowing that she will never take the caucuses for granted again.

Washington Governor Christine Gregoire was turned away at a bar last week when she had no ID and the doorman thought she was too young. She's sixty-one. Someday a two-week vacation to Beverly Hills will be as common for women as a dental check-up.

President Bush spoke to the West Virginia Coal Association at famed Greenbrier Resort Thursday. It's home to three golf courses and an underground nuclear bunker. There is just no better place for a guy to hang out when his marriage is on the rocks.

The National Enquirer said Thursday that John Edwards has arranged hush money payments to his mistress and mother of his love child. It must be true. John Edwards sues people for a living, and if they were libeling him he would end up owning the National Enquirer and Bill Clinton would never have a moment's peace for the rest of his life.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio