Argus Hamilton's column for 8-28-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Focus on the Family asked Americans to pray for thunderstorms and lightning in Denver tonight to ruin Barack Obama's speech. His campaign has controlled every detail of the convention but they can't control the weather. He's Jesus, he's not Thor.

Democratic convention delegates were welcomed at the Pepsi Center on Monday by a gigantic inflated Trojan condom hanging in the lobby. They're a sponsor. Denver was awarded the Democratic convention because Moses already got all the good plagues.

New York delegates were warned Monday to drink carefully if they were not used to drinking in Denver. Party officials also anticipated breathing problems at an altitude of five thousand feet. Democrats are used to committing adultery at sea level.

The Democratic convention was reported Monday to have brought hundreds of millions of dollars to Denver. It's the party that parties. Democrats always love to come to these conventions because they know they aren't going anywhere in November.

The Denver Sheraton offered Democrats green-friendly room-entry swipe cards made of wood, but they didn't work, so the hotel went back to plastic. The environmentalists had to face reality. If the convention banned all plastic, the California delegation would have been turned back at the airport.

Michelle Obama did not mention her career in her speech Monday but spoke about her parents, her home, her kids and her husband. People won't fall for it. The last guy we elected because of his family got us stuck in Iraq and tripled gasoline prices.

The Democratic National Committee struggled unsuccessfully Tuesday to edit Bill and Hillary's speeches. They wanted Hillary to speak about unity and they wanted Bill to speak about security and they wanted each of them to speak about twenty minutes. Why don't they just ask President Bush to say his ABCs backwards while they're at it?

Hillary Clinton gave a gracious speech at the Democratic convention on Tuesday in Denver, where her supporters were vocal. They know their fate. Women will have to wait four years, and that's just in line for the bathroom at the stadium this evening.

Barack Obama will speak in Denver tonight while delegates wave signs bearing his campaign slogan, Change You Can Believe In. His brother George lives in a hut in Kenya on less than a dollar a month. His campaign slogan is Change You Can Live On.

Al Gore will deliver the opening speech tonight in Denver and introduce Barack Obama. Just seven years ago Al was a failed presidential candidate, and today he is a billionaire. He's going to attack the failed economic policies of George W. Bush.

The Republican party announced its slate of speakers for next week's convention in Minneapolis on Tuesday. On the first night, President Bush will speak, Dick Cheney will speak, and Arnold Schwarzenegger will speak. That's two terminators and a governor of California.

Cindy McCain flew to Georgia Tuesday to support the beleaguered Black Sea nation just as the U.S. Navy approached Georgia's port city of Poti. John McCain isn't happy about the timing. What Navy man wants his wife to be at a port when the fleet comes in?

Condi Rice flew to Israel and Ireland Tuesday after assessing the situation in Iraq. She wanted to reassure Ireland and Israel because they're afraid we're going in alphabetical order. They're just lucky that cars don't run on blintzes or potatoes.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio