Argus Hamilton's column for 8-24-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Women's beach volleyball proved the most popular sport at the Olympics Thursday with the U.S. winning the gold. The girls are tremendous athletes. How they can keep their balance with all those dollar bills stuck into their bikinis is anybody's guess.

Toyota showcased its hydrogen-powered car at the Sandia Science and Technology Park in Albuquerque Wednesday to show its safety. Hydrogen is highly flammable. They fired an armor-piercing bullet in the tank and when nothing exploded the car was deemed freeway safe for Los Angeles.

Phil Collins was ordered to pay forty-seven million dollars in alimony Monday. That's what Paul McCartney paid. Love-song writers are finally being held liable for the damage caused to the public by their products, the same as tobacco companies and gunmakers.

Marina del Rey was invaded Thursday by hundreds of sharks, which swarmed around the yachts there. They're right at home. The disco-lined cove is a famous hunting ground for wealthy divorced men pursuing flight attendants, as shown on Animal Planet.

South Florida was flooded after Tropical Storm Fay stalled Thursday, displacing alligators and snakes into every neighborhood. Help arrived fast from the nation's capital. Nothing attracts Washington D.C. lobbyists to Florida like shoe-hunting season.

John McCain's office received a letter on Thursday containing white powder and a death threat. The list of suspects is long. The number of Democrats who would like to see him dead is matched only by the number of Republicans who want to kill him.

John McCain couldn't answer Wednesday, when asked in an interview how many homes he owns, whether the number is four or seven, prompting Barack Obama to jump on him. The Democrats miss the point. Right now Americans don't want a president who can count to seven, we want a president who is meaner and crazier than Vladimir Putin.

Barack Obama had a sneezing fit onstage Thursday from a cold he said he caught from his children. He blamed his own children rather than the strangers he meets every day on the campaign trail. This is how Reagan's kids ended up not talking to him.

Caroline Kennedy was reported Friday to be Barack Obama's likely Ambassador to Britain. She did the vice presidential vetting job for Obama like Dick Cheney did for George W. Bush. That means she'll have the right to choose the countries we invade.

The Food and Drug Administration approved a new technique Thursday for killing salmonella bacteria on lettuce and spinach. They don't dare have this technology where it matters. If Mexico acquires radiation we won't be safe until we take their oil.

Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Baghdad Thursday where she urged the Iraqi leaders to pick up the pace of reconciliation so the U.S. can get its troops out. She's very concerned. We must reach closure in Iraq so we can reach opening in Poland.

The White House denied Tuesday that President Bush was wrong about Russia and wrong on Vladimir Putin. It's a real public relations problem. Newsweek ran a cover story on President Bush called What He Got Right and it boiled down to the Sammy Sosa trade.

The U.S. Court of Appeals upheld a Tennessee high school's ban on the Confederate flag Thursday. Will Reconstruction ever end? These kids will never learn what it means to live in a border state if they don't recite two pledges of allegiance every morning.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio