Argus Hamilton's column for 8-21-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Michael Phelps posed for Sports Illustrated Tuesday with his eight new Olympic medals around his neck. Each medal is solid silver plated with gold. The only other way to have that much pull on your neck is to deny having weapons of mass destruction.

The Civil War's last war widow, Maudie Hopkins, died Sunday in Arkansas. She was nineteen when she married an eighty-six-year-old Confederate veteran seventy-four years ago. When the Democratic Party nominated a black man to be president it took ten years off her life.

The Amethyst Initiative to lower the drinking age was endorsed by a hundred college presidents Monday in an effort to reduce binge drinking. There are better ways to curtail campus beer drinking. Coors is rationed in California because there's a water shortage.

President Bush toured New Orleans Wednesday and praised its hurricane recovery efforts, but urged more work. He was actually in town for some GOP fundraisers. He's trying to win a bet that he can get more money out of New Orleans than he put into it.

Oklahoma City was flooded after a night of thunderstorms and lightning strikes Monday. The noise was deafening and the light show dazzling. Oklahoma is the star of the Weather Channel for the same reason Germany is the star of the History Channel.

Barry Levinson began filming a documentary on the mix of politics and Hollywood called PoliWood. It's an exchange. Arnold Schwarzenegger tells politicians how to get elected and John Edwards tells film stars how to weasel out of paternity tests.

Valkyrie, starring Tom Cruise as the famous German Major Klaus von Stauffenberg, who tried to kill Adolf Hitler, got a Christmas release date Friday after a year of delay. The star had to repair his image as a wacky Scientologist. The studio was terrified the crowd would cheer for Hitler when he hangs Tom Cruise at the end.

Russian soldiers seized Georgia's Black Sea port Tuesday, stole five American Humvee jeeps left by the U.S. Army, and drove off in them. The Russians took the bait. Now we are perfectly positioned to bleed them to death one gallon at a time.

Barack Obama campaigns with his running mate Saturday in Springfield at the old Illinois capitol building where Abe Lincoln began. He likens himself to Abe Lincoln. That explains why Obama will e-mail George Clooney, but he won't let him onto the balcony.

John McCain will reveal his running mate a day after the Democratic convention. He wants a guy who can blunt Barack Obama's momentum. The last thing John McCain asked Rick Warren at Saddleback last week was if Jesus Christ was born in the United States.

John McCain flew to an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico Tuesday and called for more offshore drilling. He can read the polls. At the rate gas is going down, in two months John McCain's campaign slogan will be Give Me a Chevy Tahoe or Give Me Death.

Hillary Clinton will deliver a speech to the Democratic convention Tuesday. No drinking will be allowed that night. To make sure that Hillary doesn't hijack the nomination, TSA screeners will be at the front door to confiscate everybody's liquids.

Premier Elections Solutions touch-screen voting machines are being thrown away by state officials, it was reported Tuesday. Paper ballots are best. Two years ago there was so much confusion with electronic voting that Cash Withdrawal was elected the governor of West Virginia.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio