Argus Hamilton's column for 8-19-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush is clearing brush in Texas this week while his father is racing boats in Maine. They're so competitive. We had one President Bush who oversaw the fall of the Soviet Union and another President Bush who helped get it back on its feet.

President Bush urged Russia Saturday to withdraw its troops from Georgia. This could get ugly. President Bush ordered Pentagon satellites to monitor Georgia this week to make sure the Russians don't go too far and allow women into Augusta National.

Hershey's announced it will raise the price of all candy bars by eleven percent Friday and blamed sugar and cocoa costs. Americans will pay it gladly. Everything that's wholesome and good for you costs four dollars a pound and has salmonella in it.

Fort Worth homeowners were reported Sunday selling natural gas drilling rights to their backyards to Chesapeake Energy. The city sits on a huge gas field. The drilling is bitterly opposed by health officials who fear gas leaks and neighbors who smoke.

Canada's government allowed a film production company to launch a digital porn channel on Canada's cable network Friday. The producers had to agree to use fifty percent Canadian talent. For every actress in Los Angeles this puts a crimp in Plan B.

The Dow Jones soared Friday on the sudden strength of the U.S. dollar. It caused a plunge in commodity prices that ruined gold traders. When Michael Phelps won his seventh gold medal Friday he got a telegram from Ed McMahon welcoming him to the club.

The Beijing Olympics got around to Track and Field Saturday. It's fun. Nothing matches Track and Field for speed, strength, testosterone-fired competitiveness, drug testing results, tear-filled apologies and the request for a presidential pardon.

John McCain's mother denied a report Friday she once sued her son's first wife over heirlooms. There's more. John McCain's mom is fighting off other rumors long whispered among Republicans that she was more than just friends with John Wilkes Booth.

Rick Warren hosted Barack Obama and John McCain at Saddleback Church in Orange County. He took no questions from the audience. This is the crowd that would ask Barack Obama if he uses a different prayer rug on carpet than he does on hardwood.

National Enquirer editors said Friday they monitored the hotel room where John Edwards spent six hours with his mistress last month. They sent a team of reporters. No one wants to say who called in the story to the tabloid, but the next time you get a four-hundred-dollar haircut in Beverly Hills, you'd better leave an appropriate tip.

Bill Clinton told people in Africa last week that they must practice monogamy. He also advised a limited number of sex partners. If narcissism were labeled a disease by the AMA tomorrow, Bill Clinton's HMO would drop him for having a pre-existing condition.

Nancy Pelosi threatened Friday to strip Joe Lieberman of his Homeland Security chairmanship if he doesn't stop criticizing Barack Obama. She's in the House and he's in the Senate. The only power Nancy Pelosi has to strip Joe Lieberman is if she decides to moonlight as an airport screener and he comes through her checkpoint.

The Minneapolis Airport last week began training volunteers to assist visitors who arrive for the GOP Convention. The training is arduous. It takes a lot of time listening on the headphones to the sounds of foot-tapping on a concrete floor to be able to tell the difference between Restless Leg Syndrome and a senator's mating call.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio