Argus Hamilton's column for 8-18-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

President Bush left on vacation Friday with the Russian army still terrorizing Georgia. He declared that the Cold War is over. It's okay with most people if the president goes back to drinking but for everyone's sake he's got to stop doing comedy.

Wall Street rallied on falling oil prices Friday as the U.S. dollar soared. Gold has fallen two hundred dollars an ounce in three weeks. Every time Michael Phelps asks his broker for today's price of gold it all seems like a lot of work for nothing.

The Olympic Games in Beijing commanded huge ratings for NBC Sports. There are no surprises. China led the world in gold Friday, if you don't count the money that flew out of international markets and into the United States in search of a safe haven.

Russia threatened nuclear attack on Poland Friday after Poland agreed to host a U.S. missile base. It's a misunderstanding. For years the U.S. has tried to convince Russia to get rid of their nuclear bombs but we didn't mean by dropping them on Poland.

Tiger Woods's golf coach Hank Haney will try to fix Charles Barkley's horribly ugly swing on a new Golf Channel series. A lot is at stake. If Hank Haney can fix Charles Barkley's swing he will replace Tony Blair as peace envoy for the Middle East.

The Democratic Party assigned next week's convention speaking slots Friday. It works out for everyone. Hillary Clinton will address the Democratic Convention in Denver Tuesday and John Edwards will address a Swinger's Convention in Reno on Friday.

Los Angeles schools begin a new year today under severe budget cuts. They cut classroom supplies for teachers but gave out free condoms to students. This should help everyone who can't afford to have an affair with a student on a teacher's salary.

Donald Trump bought Ed McMahon's foreclosed mansion in Beverly Hills and will allow him to live there. It rescues him from eviction by the marshals. When you see what poverty looks like in Los Angeles it's no wonder they are walking here from Argentina.

Operation Scheduled Departure began on Monday, giving illegal aliens a bus ride home. You can't make it up. With its usual flawless timing the Bush administration is offering to bus illegal aliens home to Mexico one month before the produce harvest.

Denver police Friday unveiled their facility for detaining protesters arrested at the Democratic convention. It's an industrial warehouse that has been outfitted with chain-link cells topped with razor wire. The idea is to make it look so much like Guantanamo that Barack Obama's relatives don't show up until after the election.

Barack Obama went bodysurfing at Honolulu's Sandy Beach Thursday after snorkeling earlier in the day. It's all about aquatic sports during this Olympic week. Not to be outdone, John McCain began ordering Scotch and water instead of drinking it straight up.

John McCain met with high-tech executives at an Aspen fundraiser on Thursday. He admits he's computer illiterate. Last week in farm country he picked up a handful of blackberries and had to ask one of his aides how you arrange them into a text message.

Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was revealed Thursday to have flipped a Florida condo for one hundred thirty thousand dollars in profit, with the help of an interest-free loan he didn't disclose. The rest of the Senate is furious at him. He got a sweetheart loan, he didn't report it, and he didn't share the lobbyist with the rest of the class.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio