Argus Hamilton's column for 8-12-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush spent the entire weekend in Beijing enjoying the Olympics. He's such a sports fan. When he heard that Russia had invaded Georgia, the only thing President Bush wanted to know was whether the Atlanta Braves were home or on the road.

China interrogated all reporters when they arrived at Beijing for the Olympics last week. The government didn't want to be lectured on its faults. Only two days before the games began, rumors were sweeping the capital of the existence of the sun.

The Beijing Olympics opened Friday with two thousand drums followed by Chinese dancers in lockstep. Then they sang China's anthem and raised their right arms. China is known for piracy and the German team left the stadium to phone their lawyers.

Bill Clinton resumed campaigning Friday after hosting events at his Little Rock library. How he keeps his chin up is inspiring. In one year he's been dethroned by Barack Obama as head of the Democrat Party and by John Edwards as King of the Cowboys.

John Edwards admitted to ABC News he had an affair with a blonde staffer while his wife was campaigning for him and battling cancer. He added he doesn't love the blonde. If John Edwards were in Beijing this week, he wouldn't be allowed on the menu.

ABC's Nightline on Friday aired John Edwards expressing his shame and sorrow for having an affair behind his wife's back and asking for the nation's forgiveness. Democrats are really upset. They had a candidate who could win but they didn't see it.

Bill Clinton was added to the list of speakers at the Democratic Convention on Friday. John Edwards will not speak. The die was cast when the Democratic National Committee approved a plank adopting the Clinton Doctrine that oral sex is not adultery.

John Edwards told ABC's Nightline he visited the mistress and her baby last month in Beverly Hills. He offered to take a paternity test to prove he's not the father. George Washington insisted on the same thing when the Macarena was the national craze.

John McCain spoke to veterans meeting in Las Vegas Saturday. He's an object of wonder. Last week Republicans couldn't believe he would compare his opponent to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton and Democrats couldn't believe he knows who they are.

The Wall Street Journal said Californians are snapping up low-powered electric cars from a Santa Rosa automaker to beat high gasoline prices. A lot of people would just as soon stay home. They're afraid if they leave, the bank will lock them out.

Barack Obama left on a vacation to Hawaii Friday without choosing a running mate or scheduling speakers at the convention. He can never really rest. Hillary Clinton's website announced that while Barack Obama's off the mainland, she's the acting nominee.

Hillary Clinton campaigned for Barack Obama in Nevada Saturday in Henderson, Nevada. She said nice things about Obama and urged the crowd to vote for him. After the speech Mrs. Clinton had to be rushed to Desert Sunrise Hospital to get her fingers uncrossed.

The Auto Club said Friday gas prices fell thirty cents a gallon last month. It is not enough. At his sentencing hearing Thursday, Osama bin Laden's driver asked the military tribunal for another six months in jail until he can afford to drive again.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio