Argus Hamilton's column for 8-11-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Elvis Presley's peacock jumpsuit was sold Thursday for three hundred thousand dollars at auction. It sold to an undisclosed buyer in New York. When Bill Clinton makes his entrance at the Democratic National Convention you can see it for yourself.

Barack Obama took off on vacation in Hawaii for a week Friday just as the John Edwards scandal was breaking. Everyone was walking on eggshells. When he landed in Honolulu and a Hawaiian woman offered him a lei, he turned around and ran back into the plane.

John Edwards admitted Friday to having an adulterous affair on the campaign trail and he was immediately replaced as a speaker at the Democratic convention by Bill Clinton. The lesson is clear. You cannot act like that when everybody likes your wife.

Elizabeth Edwards agreed to speak at the Democratic convention Friday and John Edwards said he was promised a speech. Bill and Hillary will also speak. The Pledge of Allegiance that night could provide one of the funniest moments in television history.

John Edwards wrote a lengthy apology Friday for cheating on his wife with a campaign staffer. He beat himself up in paragraph after paragraph for being only ninety-nine percent honest. Just when you think no one could be more self-pitying and narcissistic than Brett Favre, John Edwards comes out of nowhere to bring home the gold.

Brett Favre was dealt to New York by Green Bay Wednesday. The Jets have an end zone seating section where the women are encouraged to go topless. If they don't want the Lambeau Leap to migrate to New York they should move the topless section up one level.

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was jailed Thursday over an affair he denied until his BlackBerry revealed he was having text-message sex with the woman. It's so unfair. In order to get a jury of his peers, he would have to have his trial on a Los Angeles freeway.

President Bush's father, George H.W. Bush, attended the Summer Olympics as honorary team captain. That's not all. He was also there to explain to China how to clean up their air by signing free trade agreements which move their factories to crummier countries.

Russian troops on Friday invaded the Georgian province of Ossetia, where Josef Stalin was raised. This is one tough neighborhood. Georgian kidnappers once sent Josef Stalin his son's fingertip and demanded a ransom, and Stalin said he wanted more proof.

John McCain denounced Russia for sending tanks and troops and air strikes into Georgia Friday. There must have been something in the water that day. Hours later John McCain also ventured recklessly into foreign territory, he learned how to e-mail.

The White House reacted swiftly to the Russian Army's invasion of Georgia this weekend. The Bush administration accused the Russians of pre-emptively invading a sovereign nation. The president doesn't like it when other comedians do his material.

The White House announced Friday that Dick Cheney will speak on the opening night of the GOP convention along with President Bush. These two guys really changed the world. Until they came along, all the programming on the History Channel was in German.

The Baghdad Zoo unveiled a pair of rare Bengal tiger cubs that were donated by a North Carolina animal conservator group Friday. It's a mystery. First we toppled Iraq's government and occupied their country, and now we're trying to kill their magicians.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio