Argus Hamilton's column for 8-10-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Bush will go to an evangelical Christian church in Beijing on Sunday that's apocalyptic in its doctrine. The grass on the lawn is ten inches high. The church is so certain the end is near they haven't paid the landscapers in three months.

President Bush criticized China's human rights record Thursday, then China told him to stay out of their internal affairs. He showed a lot of courage by going to China now. He's a lame duck and they hang by their feet at every restaurant in Beijing.

Beijing hosted a spectacular Summer Olympics opening ceremony Friday. Everyone was worried about the air quality. When the U.S. team walked into the stadium during the Parade of Athletes, the canary they were carrying keeled over and died in its cage.

The White House press corps plane was detained at Beijing Airport Thursday for three hours by Chinese customs agents. The Chinese went through all their luggage and the entire airplane. Sure enough, they found three reporters in the tank for Obama.

President Bush will attend tonight's U.S.-China basketball contest. The athletes were warned not to say anything political. This isn't the time or place for the U.S. basketball team to pay off their gambling debts by endorsing Steve Wynn for president.

Bulgaria's government said Friday archaeologists found a nineteen-hundred-year old chariot. They described the chariot as very well-preserved. Oil prices fell two dollars per barrel on word that Bulgaria had come up with a vehicle that runs on oats.

Osama bin Laden's chauffeur Salim Hamdan was sentenced to five years in prison Thursday but will only have to serve five months. Everyone's okay with that. Anybody with the courage to drive with today's gasoline prices deserves a little respect.

Brett Favre ended up with New York Wednesday to the surprise of nobody at Soap Opera Digest. The emotional quarterback and the city belong together. New York is an exciting town where something is always happening, and most of it goes unsolved.

The Georgia Bulldogs were voted number one in college football Thursday despite eight recent arrests and six suspensions. The school took swift action. They took the team photo out of the school annual to make witness identification more difficult.

Paris Hilton urged offshore drilling and tax breaks for electric cars in a mock campaign ad which drew raves. You know where this is going. The last presidential debate will be hosted by Jeff Foxworthy and titled, Are You Smarter than Paris Hilton?

Bill Clinton got testy Thursday when asked about Barack Obama's qualifications and Brett Favre's trade to New York. Imagine his ire. Eight years ago he left orders for the Hubbell Telescope to be programmed to place him at the center of the universe.

Hillary Clinton was videotaped last week telling her supporters she may let them place her name in nomination at the Denver convention. The next day she announced the winner of her Have Dinner with Hillary contest for donors. The Barack Obama campaign bought sixty-seven hundred entries for Jack Kevorkian but he still didn't win.

House Democrats called Friday for jailing Karl Rove in the U.S. Capitol over his refusal to give testimony by claiming executive privilege. A Fox News commentator cannot be called before the United States Congress. Bullfights were never legal in this country.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio