Argus Hamilton's column for 7-9-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Dan Quayle met with reporters Tuesday to promote his celebrity golf tournament at Lake Tahoe Friday. He was a real pioneer in his way. Just like Jackie Robinson paved the way for Hank Aaron, Dan Quayle jokes paved the way for President Bush jokes.

Alex Rodriguez was recruited by Madonna to join Kabbalah Saturday. They study ancient Hebrew texts which believers claim have all the answers to the universe. It's a mystical cult for celebrities whose publicists won't let them be Scientologists.

Christie Brinkley's husband said at their divorce trial last week that he had sex with himself while standing in front of his Internet web cam. It's shocking. He's either a total sex addict or the auditions for America's Got Talent have gone too far.

Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in Berlin was vandalized during the museum's grand opening when a German walked into the gallery and tore off Adolf Hitler's head. Such is the life of a politician. It's always, what have you done for me lately?

Seattle Sonics owner Clay Bennett moved his team to Oklahoma City Tuesday. The team will change names. It's the first name change since the Washington Bullets, in an effort to improve their public image, changed their name to the Baltimore Bullets.

President Bush gave a speech at Thomas Jefferson's estate on July Fourth to greet new citizens. The two presidents have a lot in common. Thomas Jefferson declared independence from Great Britain and George W. Bush declared dependence on Saudi Arabia.

President Bush flew to Japan Saturday for the Group of Eight Summit. They meet annually. Seven years ago the U.S. was the world's largest industrial economy, however this year we had to trade Sri Lanka two draft picks for the number-eight spot.

The Group of Eight leaders gave a toast Monday with sake cups worth a thousand dollars apiece. They are made of wood, rimmed with gold and inlaid with mother-of-pearl. The reason they're so valuable is that each cup is filled with unleaded premium.

President Bush met with reporters in Tokyo Sunday with Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda. Everyone was very tense. An international incident was avoided when President Bush did not try to pronounce his name on camera, and just called him Buddy.

Barack Obama agreed last week to let cameras follow him to the gym every morning, to the barber shop on Sunday and home to his house and his wife every night. Democrats can't believe it. They thought they nominated Eldridge Cleaver and he turned out to be Ward Cleaver.

John McCain came out of his house in Phoenix Sunday to attend church. On the way home he drove to the local VA hospital and visited for forty-five minutes. The fastest way to the hospital in Phoenix is to propose citizenship for illegal immigrants.

John Kerry told Face the Nation Sunday John McCain does not have the judgment to be president. Four years ago John Kerry asked McCain to be his running mate on the Democratic Party ticket. John Kerry was for John McCain before he was against him.

The Democratic Convention specified Sunday that caterers must provide food in five exact colors. It's unbelievably controlling. Retired caterers in Moscow who used to work the Soviet Party Congress banquets just realized they won the Cold War.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio