Argus Hamilton's column for 7-6-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Christie Brinkley's divorce trial made national headlines Thursday. Her husband admitted having sex with himself in front of strangers on his web cam. He could face a seventy-six dollar fine under a broad interpretation of the new hands-free law.

China was invaded by locusts Thursday to add to the algae infestation and smog alerts. And that's on top of earthquakes and flooding. China never should have cracked down on people who pray six times a day the year they're hosting the Olympics.

Seattle Sonics owner Clay Bennett moved the team to Oklahoma City Tuesday. The best players will flock to play there. Gasoline is one dollar a gallon cheaper in `Oklahoma City and when you own seven Hummers, that makes up for the lack of strip bars.

The Golden Nugget in Las Vegas replaced its swimming pool Tuesday with a water slide that runs through a giant water tank containing tiger sharks, sand sharks and Pacific blacktip sharks. It's not that unusual. Every casino has a loan department.

Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter Thompson opened in movie theaters Friday about the fabled Rolling Stone political writer whom Baby Boomers idolized. In his whole life Hunter Thompson only did one line of cocaine. It was thirty years long.

Colombia's military staged a thrilling rescue of U.S. hostages held by socialist guerrillas for five years Thursday. They were U.S. military contractors. They were subjected to torture, and that's just when they filled up their cars after they got home.

Colin Powell met with the presidential candidates last week without making any endorsement. He's respected by both sides. Four years ago Colin Powell resigned as President Bush's Secretary of State in order to spend more time with his conscience.

Dick Cheney urged Poland's prime minister Thursday to allow the U.S. to base its missile defense system on Polish soil. Russia will never tolerate it. Dick Cheney's only got six months to destroy the planet Earth before some meteor gets credit for it.

President Bush asked Americans Wednesday to write their Congressmen and demand oil drilling offshore and in the Alaskan wildlife refuge. It's puzzling. You would think he would have a little more empathy for wildlife now that he's a lame duck.

Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered the National Guard to help fight wildfires along the central coast Wednesday as the fires threatened to burn all weekend. Normally the big patriotic holiday poses an extra fire risk. Luckily, Cinco de Mayo was two months ago.

Florida Governor Charlie Crist announced he's going to marry his girlfriend of nine months after being a bachelor all his life. It's a sacrifice. Most guys who want to improve their chances of being named the vice presidential running mate just get Botox.

John McCain flew to Mexico City Wednesday to talk about immigration policy and free trade. It's a shrewd move. He knows that at the current rate of immigration, sixty percent of the people he meets down there will be registered voters by November.

Barack Obama had to call a second press conference Thursday to get his Iraq withdrawal story straight after the plan he described contradicted the plan he campaigned on. It's a rookie mistake to call a second press conference to clarify what you said in the first one. If President Bush did that, he would never get any work done.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio