Argus Hamilton's column for 7-27-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

A Chicago suburb banned pants that sag more than three inches below the waist Friday. May it stop there. If politicians were banned from wearing their pants any higher than their approval rating the U.S. Congress would boast more moons than Jupiter.

Albany College researchers issued a warning about cell phone use Tuesday. They said cell phones can cause brain damage. If you are a woman related to Christian Bale and the hotel room's big enough to let him take a full wind-up, they can be fatal.

Batman's Christian Bale was accused by his mother and sister of assault Sunday in London. The movie's target audience are boys who hate their sisters and mothers. Studio publicity used to be an exercise in glamour but nowadays it's an exact science.

New York Yankees executives held meetings at the team's spring training facility Thursday. They discussed signing Barry Bonds for the stretch drive to fill in for injured sluggers. The other night, Alex Rodriguez pulled a hamstring in a number with Madonna.

Washington D.C. columnist Robert Novak hit a pedestrian with his Corvette Wednesday on a local street, then left the scene. He was caught by a bicyclist. He had to be touched by all the e-mails he got from Los Angeles asking if the Corvette's all right.

NASA's former astronaut Edgar Mitchell claimed Tuesday the U.S. has covered up its contact with space aliens. It's what everybody suspected. It's why Barack Obama got such weird looks when he landed in Berlin and addressed the audience as People of the World.

Barack Obama addressed two hundred thousand people at Berlin's Victory Column Thursday. He failed to receive the thunderous, rousing cheering reception he had hoped for. The Germans walked away from the speech agreeing that he's no Adolf Hitler.

Barack Obama in Berlin Thursday called for wealthy nations to share the wealth with poor nations and for an end to nuclear weapons. He urged the free movement of immigrants. All John McCain has to do is stay off television til November and he's in.

John McCain met with the Dalai Lama Friday in Aspen, Colorado. It was a hassle for the GOP candidate. John McCain was never gladder he quit smoking cigarettes because for some reason the Dalai Lama only meets with people on the tops of mountains.

The Secret Service asked Congress for an extra ten million dollars Thursday. They cited the cost of protecting Obama, which must be enormous. They were able to protect Bill Clinton from Hillary for eight years but he didn't defeat her for the presidency.

The Mississippi River was shut off at New Orleans Wednesday after an oil tanker collided with a barge, spilling crude oil absolutely everywhere. It's only fair. If Houston is going to have New Orleans' residents, New Orleans should have Houston's oil.

Condoleezza Rice was greeted in New Zealand by a five thousand dollar bounty offered by a college club. It's for anyone who puts her under citizen's arrest for war crimes. She was just relieved to hear it was for her foreign policy and not her piano playing.

The Air Force said Friday a three-man missile launch crew fell asleep recently while in possession of the nuclear launch codes. Iran's government is getting the feeling they should come to the bargaining table. Their luck is bound to run out soon.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio