Argus Hamilton's column for 7-22-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Israel arrested six men linked to al-Qaeda Thursday for plotting to shoot down President Bush's helicopter in Israel last month. That was close. Israel's security chief could win the Nobel Peace Prize for keeping Dick Cheney from becoming president.

Wall Street soared as oil fell Friday, but gasoline stayed high. There's so much money in the gas station business they've installed TV screens at the pump. They ought to play porn movies so you can see someone else is getting screwed the same time you are.

American Airlines had to divert a flight Friday when a male passenger came out of the bathroom naked. It was really no surprise. Thanks to the obesity epidemic, the Mile High Club has been forced to allow members to have sex in the bathroom alone.

Mississippi led the country in obesity in a nationwide study showing one-third of Mississippians are obese. It's dangerous. Last week a guy went outside wearing a tee-shirt with the Confederate flag on the front of it and a helicopter landed on him.

The Mexican navy acted on a DEA tip Friday and intercepted a submarine hauling six tons of cocaine aboard. They used sonar to find it. The boat started out as a cabin cruiser but by the time they finished loading the cocaine, it was a submarine.

The New York Post said Friday Lindsay Lohan might have a teen-aged half-sister in Long Island she never knew was alive. The rush is on to find her. These people get so many millions for their baby pictures, it's a better investment than oil futures.

Barack Obama landed in Afghanistan on Saturday where he met with the provincial governor of Jalalabad. It was nothing new to him. To Democrats, all governors who don't run New York or Massachusetts or California are considered provincial governors.

Barack Obama met last weekend with Arab leaders in Iraq, Kuwait and Jordan. It was an intelligence bonanza. That New Yorker cartoon showing Barack Obama dressed as a Muslim and his wife as a terrorist had these guys spilling state secrets to him.

Iraq's prime minister Nouri al-Maliki said Friday he favors Barack Obama's plan to pull all U.S. troops out of Iraq in sixteen months. Last year Barack Obama's plan was to pull all U.S. troops out in one month. At this rate, by the time Barack Obama becomes president he'll be naming the permanent U.S. bases in Iraq after Teddy Kennedy.

John McCain ripped Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki on Saturday for saying he liked Obama's plan to withdraw U.S. troops better than anything he's heard. That's the problem with Viceroys. After about a year, they start thinking it's their country.

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff warned Friday that terrorists are trying to slip into the United States using European Union passports. These people must be suicidal. If the gasoline prices don't kill them, the real estate market will.

The White House revealed Saturday President Bush has been besieged with pardon requests. Michael Milken and Marion Jones and John Walker Lindh all asked for presidential pardons but Jack Abramoff didn't. At that level you don't have to ask.

Chicago O'Hare Airport officials dispatched ambulances to assist the Mexicana Airlines jet that overshot the runway and crashed into a safety barrier Friday. No one was hurt. All one hundred and forty-two passengers parachuted out over California.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio