Argus Hamilton's column for 7-20-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Green Bay Packers filed charges against the Minnesota Vikings Thursday for improper contact with Brett Favre. What is it about Minneapolis? A man can't even go to the airport restroom in that town without having this charge filed against him.

The NFL began reviewing game films Tuesday to see if players were using secret gang signs on the field. There's a reason most teams have gone to the no-huddle offense. The players can't associate with one another or it violates their probations.

Jesse Jackson apologized again Thursday when tapes revealed he used the N-word as he vowed to cut off Obama's testicles. He had reason to use language like that. Jesse Jackson's sick and tired of being the only politician in America with no Grammy.

Dark Knight starring the late Heath Ledger opened to all-time record audiences this weekend. The actor's almost-certain Oscar nomination sends a real message to young people in Hollywood. You can do heroin and die and not have it hurt your career.

The White House admitted Friday tomatoes didn't cause salmonella poisoning. The tomatoes were wrongly accused and then thrown out for no reason. Florida farmers are just lucky that the Sunnis and Shiites aren't fighting over their fields right now.

Osama bin Laden's driver Salim Hamdan goes on trial Monday. He was seized with two surface-to-air missiles in his car in Tora Bora. The case has been working its way through the courts for five years as the next big test of Second Amendment rights.

President Bush said Wednesday he hopes Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton becomes a national hero. The slugger overcame alcohol and cocaine addiction to dazzle the crowd at the home run derby. With that big stick he could be the next Teddy Roosevelt.

President Bush flew to California Thursday to see the raging wildfires. He keeps close tabs on all the damage. If enough environmentalists are burned out of their coastal homes and forced to leave California, he'll be able to pass offshore drilling.

Barack Obama caught a break Thursday when all three major network news anchors decided to cover his trip to the Middle East. They were following their instincts as reporters. The chance to see a guy walking on the Sea of Galilee comes maybe twice.

Barack Obama was ripped by conservatives Friday for proposing huge spending on federal programs to stimulate the economy. His economic philosophy is self-evident. His father was from Kenya and his mother was a Kansan, and that makes him a Keynesian.

John McCain admitted he collects Social Security although he earns nearly two hundred grand a year as a senator. That's on top of his military pension and his disability payments. If Ronald Reagan was alive he would denounce John McCain as a welfare queen.

The Mars Phoenix Lander sent back data Thursday showing Mars used to be covered with lakes and rivers. However, the temperature went up and now the entire planet is just a desert. It inspired Al Gore to go on a diet and enter the Mr. Universe contest.

Congress fought over a home mortgage bailout bill to rescue lenders from a wave of defaults Friday. It gave the banking committee a great idea. We should bundle Iraq and Afghanistan together as financial instruments, then sell them to China.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio