Argus Hamilton's column for 7-14-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The Running of the Bulls got underway in Pamplona to begin bullfighting season in Spain Tuesday. Hundreds of young bulls chased daredevils down city streets. At the end of the season the surviving bulls are castrated and endorsed by Jesse Jackson.

Jesse Jackson said on Fox News Sunday that he wanted to cut off Barack Obama's testicles. Now he thinks of it. If our last two presidents had had this done we never would have gone to war in Iraq and Bill Clinton would have retired with his dignity intact.

Jesse Jackson targeted Barack Obama for lecturing black audiences about family values and personal responsibility. It was poor judgment. If Barack Obama is going to steal Bill Cosby's material he should take the stuff from his earlier, funny years.

Jesse Jackson became the third pastor to bedevil Barack Obama Sunday. He's had tiffs with a Baptist pastor, a Church of Christ pastor and a Catholic priest. Just because Barack Obama isn't a Muslim doesn't mean he can't be hounded into becoming one.

Christie Brinkley smiled for photographers as she left a Long Island courthouse Thursday after her divorce case settled. She looks great. When tough times force Americans to choose between prescription drugs and food, supermodels don't think twice.

The California Lottery announced plans Wednesday to offer a lifetime supply of gasoline to the winner in the next state lottery. It's not very practical. Leave it to the geniuses in Sacramento to fill up a house with gasoline during fire season.

The California National Guard joined the firefighting effort Thursday. However, state officials said it wasn't enough and asked the White House to send federal troops. As much oil as there is under California, it's a shock they're not here already.

Barack Obama spoke at a Hillary Clinton fundraiser but he forgot to ask donors to give to her. Sure he forgot. The atmosphere between the two sides is so poisonous it is giving the last surviving veteran of World War One some really nasty flashbacks.

Bronx residents sued a New York waste-recycling company on Thursday, saying the odor from two sewage facilities was ruining their lives. Residents have to hold their noses while walking down the street. They look like McCain voters in the South.

John McCain looked cornered Thursday when a female reporter badgered him about why insurance companies cover Viagra but not birth control pills. He didn't dare tell her the truth. When birth control pills give men erections, they will be covered.

John McCain advisor Phil Gramm said Friday America isn't in a recession and added we've become a nation of whiners. He's from a bygone era. That kind of tough talk from coaches doesn't work anymore unless they also videotape their opponent's signals.

Iran's government got caught doctoring a photo of its Shahab-3 missile test last week showing four missiles launching when it was really only one. The Iranians love their new photo-editing software. Tomorrow they're going to release a photograph of Neil Armstrong planting the Iranian flag on the moon.

President Bush signed the new surveillance bill Thursday. It's designed to keep America safe. The government is building a complete database of everyone you call and everyone who calls you and, in honor of Jesse Jackson, everything they call you.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio