Argus Hamilton's column for 7-1-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles wilted under a heat wave last week, sending the city's population out to the beaches to save on air conditioning bills. The lifeguards reported a record number of people in the ocean Sunday. They are swimming out to get the oil personally.

Tiger Woods spent a few nights before last Tuesday's knee surgery in Las Vegas with friends at a celebrity gambling event at the Bellagio Hotel. He likes to relax in Las Vegas. He likes it so much there's speculation about how his leg really got broken.

CBS News' Lara Logan was accused by an angry Texas housewife Friday of carrying on an adulterous affair with her contractor husband in Iraq while also dating CNN's Michael Ware. It's her duty. Lara Logan has freedom tattooed on one ankle and democracy tattooed on the other ankle and she's doing all she can to spread freedom and democracy in Iraq.

The Presbyterian Church convention Friday voted to allow gay ministers, however they split over gay marriage. Episcopalians and Methodists have the same split. No one would have thought thirty years ago that gays would wind up being Scotch drinkers.

North Korea blew up its nuclear reactor on world television Friday. The weather was windy. No one knows how much radiation was dispersed by the blast but North Korea is now the odds-on favorite to win the three-legged race at the Summer Olympics.

The Weather Channel aired footage Saturday of violent wind damage on the Great Plains. Tornadoes disrupted the U.S. Olympic swimming trials practice in Omaha. If there's one good thing about being caught in a tornado, it's that you're dry in three seconds.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger asked President Bush for a disaster declaration Saturday due to wildfires raging on the central coast. None of the fires are more than twenty percent contained. Already sixteen banks have lost their homes in Big Sur.

San Francisco voters will rename a sewage treatment plant the President Bush Sewage Treatment Plant if a proposed ballot measure passes this fall. The idea apparently has a lot of support. Donations are pouring into the plant every day.

President Bush ripped Zimbabwe's sham election Saturday and said Robert Mugabe has no respect for democracy. We have no plans to invade. It's really racist of the Bush administration not to suspect an African nation of developing nuclear weapons.

Barack Obama's lead prompted affirmative action foes Friday to claim America's no longer racist and preferences aren't needed. Bigots are the new minority. Unless affirmative action is repealed, Harvard could be forced to hold slots open for Klansmen.

John McCain was endorsed for president by his North Vietnam prison warden Tran Trong Duyet Friday. He said during prison debates McCain never admitted the war was a mistake. He told his captors he was prepared to stay in Vietnam for a hundred years.

Hillary Clinton appeared with Barack Obama at a rally in New Hampshire Friday to show her unconditional support for him. She acted like she meant it and he acted like he believed it. One day, used car salesmen will study this tape in advanced training sessions.

The Screen Actors Guild may strike to get payments for actors when advertisers pay to have their products placed in television shows and movies. It's gotten shameless. The worst example was during the crucifixion scene in Passion of the Christ when Jesus thirsted but turned down the vinegar offered by a Roman soldier because it wasn't Heinz.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio