Argus Hamilton's column for 6-8-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Tudors was renewed for a third season by Showtime Monday. The last episode drew a massive number of viewers to see Anne Boleyn's public beheading. If Hillary Clinton doesn't behave herself, the ratings for the Democratic Convention could be huge.

Tyson Foods had to kill fifteen thousand contaminated chickens Wednesday. Bird flu has arrived from overseas. Barack Obama immediately distanced himself from pheasant under glass and John McCain demanded that the United States bomb the Canary Islands.

Vanity Fair ran an article stating Bill Clinton was playing around with models and actresses and heiresses on the road. His motives are obvious. Bill Clinton is going to keep sleeping with women until he can find one who can get elected president.

Hillary Clinton sent hints to Barack Obama's campaign Thursday that she'd like to be his vice president. It's the safe decision. His Secret Service detail has enough reasons to stay on constant alert but this would really keep them on their toes.

Gary Hart said Wednesday Hillary Clinton should fight for the nomination all the way to the convention. He said he knows what it feels like to come close. Twenty years ago Gary Hart had the nomination in his hip pocket but he couldn't get his pants on.

Barack Obama said Thursday he'd prefer to have a debate with John McCain along the lines of the Lincoln-Douglas debates. It makes no sense. How are we going to have a post-racial candidacy that kicks off with a debate on the extension of slavery?

Jimmy Carter told the London Guardian Wednesday it'll be a nightmare ticket if Barack Obama chooses Hillary Clinton to be his running mate. That's saying something. The man who believes that Hamas and Israel can find common ground thinks there is no chance of reconciliation whatsoever between Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama.

Ed McMahon battled foreclosure on his six-million-dollar home in Beverly Hills, citing his inability to make the mortgage payments. No one can believe he's burned through fifty years of television money. He could just kick himself for buying that Hummer.

General Motors announced Tuesday it's looking to sell the manufacturing rights to its Hummer in the belief that record-high gasoline prices will continue. The vehicle gets six miles a gallon. Only the war in Iraq costs more to run than a Hummer.

New York's new state excise tax kicked in Tuesday, which caused cigarette prices to hit an astounding twelve dollars per pack in New York City. You can already see the effects. Guys have begun faking a smoker's cough in order to pick up women in bars.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke expressed serious concerns about the U.S. dollar because its low value is a reason for high prices. One of these days God will ask to have his name removed from our money. He doesn't want to go into Chapter Eleven.

Canada's parliament sought Thursday to give U.S. military deserters sanctuary in Canada. It would help their economy. They did it for Vietnam war deserters forty years ago and it resulted in the world's finest marijuana being grown in British Columbia.

The White House sent Congress a plan to help Mexico halt drug trafficking. The police and drug dealers there are in an open war. It's breaking up families, with Baby Boomers rooting for one side and their parents and children rooting for the other.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio