Argus Hamilton's column for 6-22-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Bush arrived in Cedar Rapids Thursday and toured the flooded region, where he gave his personal encouragement to relief workers and his consolation to flood victims. Iowans are getting around in rowboats. They are the envy of the nation.

Los Angeles broiled under hundred-degree heat and smog alerts Thursday. That's not at all that's killing people who live out here. Gasoline is so expensive in Southern California that Lindsay Lohan has begun staying at the scene of the accident.

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices fall five dollars a barrel Thursday on news of price hikes in China. It's still in record territory. Hookers in New York report they're making more money siphoning gasoline than they are turning tricks.

Continental Airlines cut routes and cities Thursday in a desperate bid to make money. There's always a way. United Airlines has begun making money hand over fist by charging Los Angeles passengers fifteen dollars for each item of emotional baggage.

Disney World was reported Friday to be bracing for slow summer business due to the record high gasoline prices. One travel agent is doing huge business selling virtual vacations. You stay home for two weeks and overtip every third person you see.

Tiger Woods left the PGA Tour for a year Thursday due to injuries he sustained in training. He broke his leg hitting practice balls and tore his knee while jogging. John Daly could be the biggest star on the tour now if he's careful not to over-train.

Ronald Reagan's would-be assassin John Hinckley was accused Thursday of using his mental hospital release time to carry on four simultaneous love affairs with women. He's not dangerous as long as they understand one thing. Eight o'clock means eight o'clock.

Reverend Al Sharpton's money operations came under IRS investigation Friday in Harlem. The flamboyant Democrat never thought he'd get caught. It was a mistake for him to list his anticipated payment for slavery reparations as collateral for a loan.

Eliot Spitzer's wife Silda hosted her annual charity event in New York Tuesday, two months after his hooker scandal. She stood by him as he confessed to stepping outside his marriage. It qualifies her to run for president on the Democratic ticket.

Barack Obama accuser Larry Sinclair told reporters Thursday he had gay sex and snorted cocaine with Obama nine years ago. However, he flunked a lie-detector test. People who use crystal meth because they cannot afford cocaine never like to admit it.

Cindy McCain took a trip to Hanoi where her husband was held prisoner for five years during the Vietnam War. She was there for a refresher course. For any woman married to a politician, it's always wise to brush up on your interrogation techniques.

Barack Obama refused eighty-five million dollars in public campaign financing available to him Thursday. He said he needs to raise more money to fight the GOP interest group ads. For every one commercial they run of Barack Obama wearing a Muslim robe in Africa, he has to run three commercials of John McCain in bed with a lobbyist.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger vowed Thursday that California will never allow oil drilling off the coast. Californians were thrilled to hear the governor take this stand. We love it when the porn stars run for governor during the recall election.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio