Argus Hamilton's column for 6-15-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Los Angeles Lakers host the Boston Celtics in Game Five of the NBA Finals today. The heat is on. Ninety percent of people in one poll think everything has been fixed, and that's just the faces and the breasts of the front row of Lakers fans.

The U.S. Open wraps up today at the Torrey Pines Golf Club located on the bluffs above Black's Beach in San Diego. It was a nude beach thirty years ago. Guys would go to the golf course for an honest round of golf and wind up on tour with Aerosmith.

Jay Leno offered to help Ed McMahon save his home from foreclosure Tuesday. He already kept his writers from losing their homes during the strike. In the future the Tonight Show will not hire anyone who doesn't sign an agreement promising to rent.

Scarlett Johansson said Wednesday she's shocked that Barack Obama takes the time to answer her e-mails. Good news at last. It's the first sign to comedians that after eight dreary years of honor and dignity in the White House, happy days are here again.

U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner introduced a bill Tuesday to open up one thousand new immigrant visa slots for supermodels. They have no special skills needed in today's economy. As high as gas prices are, Americans don't need any lessons on how to throw up

. President Bush continued his Farewell Tour of Europe Friday with a state visit to Pope Benedict at the Vatican. It was a humbling experience for the president. Thanks to the Supreme Court's latest ruling, the pope has an Inquisition and he doesn't.

The Supreme Court ruled Thursday that terror suspects have the right of habeas corpus. It says the government can't detain you without giving you your day in court. If President Bush is handed one more defeat he will have the worst record in Major League Baseball.

The White House admitted Thursday that with six months left, administration officials are leaving in droves to find new jobs. It's a tough sell. They all face the exact same challenge, convincing prospective employers that they are stupid, not evil.

Iran said Thursday it is enriching uranium not to develop nuclear weapons but to produce electricity. That wasn't a very smart thing to say. With the electric car coming, Dick Cheney will attack anywhere to secure America's vital electricity supplies.

John McCain said Wednesday it's not important how much longer U.S. troops will be stationed in Iraq. We're starting to get the picture of how long they will be there. John McCain's idea of opposing President Bush's policy is to back statehood for Iraq.

Barack Obama said Thursday his wife Michelle never used the word Whitey during any speech she ever gave to any crowd. He also just left his church for being too militant. He figures if John McCain doesn't need the black vote to win, neither does he.

NASA launched a huge telescope into orbit Friday to get pictures of gamma rays darting around the universe. It will survey the entire sky in two orbits. If they find a gamma ray not wearing any panties they can sell the picture to Access Hollywood for big dough.

Budweiser was targeted Thursday in a hostile takeover bid by a Belgian brewery in Antwerp, as Dubai's royal family tried to buy the Chrysler Building in New York. Americans were horrified. They couldn't believe that the Japanese were willing to sell.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio