Argus Hamilton's column for 6-1-08

BEVERLY HILLS--God bless America, and how's everybody?

The FBI interviewed Roger Clemens's lover Mindy McCready to ask her if he took steroids. She was one of his many simultaneous affairs. The pitcher's dream was to be the first Texan with three hundred wins and the second Texan with four hundred kids.

Sharon Stone's movies were banned in China after she said China deserved an earthquake for how it treats Tibet. It's just as well. The last thing a nation with a billion people needs to see is a Hollywood bombshell who doesn't wear any underwear.

Sex and the City premiered at Radio City Music Hall, garnering rave reviews for Cynthia Nixon. It left New Yorkers quite self-satisfied. Where else but in New York can you pay to see a singing Hitler, a dancing Frankenstein, or Nixon in a mini-skirt?

The Auto Club ran a nationwide survey which found Oklahomans use more gasoline per capita than Americans in any other state. Residents of the Sooner State burn an average of nearly two gallons a day. It's either that or let the tornado catch you.

Barack Obama could clinch the nomination over Hillary Clinton if he sweeps the primaries Tuesday. What an amazing feat. It would be the first time a black guy ever beat a white woman and didn't need an L.A. jury to keep from going to prison for it.

Nepal's parliament abolished the monarchy after two hundred and forty years Friday to become a republic. The nation boasts Mt. Everest. Getting through the next seven months without an impeachment trial is now the second highest mountain for Republicans to climb.

White House former spokesman Scott McClellan set off a political earthquake in Washington with his tell-all on the Bush administration. It's not a glorious story. President Bush authorized three invasions and only the colonoscopy has been a success.

Scott McClellan blasted the president in his new book, but mystified co-workers insist it doesn't sound like Scott at all. This is war. No sooner does NASA land a craft on Mars than the former White House spokesman gets taken over by space aliens.

Scott McClellan wrote in his new book that President Bush manipulated facts to sell the Iraq war. In fairness, it must be remembered that Saddam Hussein was a murderous tyrant. In sixty years of nation-building the CIA has never installed one philosopher.

Scott McClellan said President Bush couldn't remember if he did cocaine. That's unlikely. Cocaine gives you an exaggerated sense of confidence and self-worth and he's too cheap to pay a hundred dollars for something he got for free from his parents.

Father Michael Pfleger preached at Barack Obama's church, where he stoked racial fires. He said Hillary was an example of white entitlement, but when the black crowd roared with laughter he looked confused. It was always an applause line at the Rotary.

Susan Sarandon vowed Friday to move to Italy if John McCain gets elected. Last time she said she would move to Canada if Bush got re-elected. Every four years she likes to advertise that she's willing to work on location and pay her own expenses.

U.S. Airways announced Wednesday that to make up for high fuel costs the airline will eliminate all peanuts and cookies and pretzel snacks on all domestic flights. It is a terrible idea. The pilots will get drunk that much faster on an empty stomach.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio