Argus Hamilton's column for 5-4-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Barbara Walters confessed she had an affair with married Senator Edward Brooke of Massachusetts. Roger Clemens played there and Teddy Kennedy is from there. If there are prescription drugs in the water in Massachusetts we know which ones they are.

President Bush drew a record high disapproval rating of seventy-one percent on Friday. It made him the most unpopular president in history. That night police in Yorba Linda went on tactical alert after reports of a loud party at the Nixon Library.

Forbes magazine placed Oklahoma City at the top of its list of recession-proof cities on Thursday. It's quite evident why. Oklahoma City was closely followed on the list of recession-proof cities by Houston, Dallas, Dubai, Kuwait City and Riyadh.

Northwestern withdrew its offer of an honorary doctorate to Jeremiah Wright on Thursday. They won't make him Doctor of Sacred Theology as announced. However, the offer by the U.S. Naval Academy to make him an instructor at torpedo school still stands.

Los Angeles was the site of immigration marches Thursday by people who believe the western United States belongs to Mexico. A year after the U.S. captured California, gold was discovered. It shows that once you have property rights, people put in a little effort.

The Port Of Long Beach shut down Thursday when the longshoremen's union staged a one-day walkout in protest of the Iraq war. You may remember the conflict. Television news stopped covering it after civil war broke out in the Democratic Party.

Hillary Clinton campaigned for president in Indiana Thursday. She just passed Barack in Indiana and she's coming up fast in North Carolina. The race is so exciting that the Democratic Convention will begin with the singing of My Old Kentucky Home.

The Kentucky Derby was run on Saturday at the famous Churchill Downs Racetrack in Louisville. There was no betting this year. The racetrack decided it would make more money by renting the horses to people who can no longer afford to drive to work.

Exxon Mobil announced almost eleven billion dollars in profits during the first quarter on Thursday. It's insane. There's so much money in Houston that the Roger Clemens Defense Fund has enough cash in it to make statutory rape legal in six states.

Gone with the Wind opened as a musical in London Wednesday, based upon Margaret Mitchell's novel. It's an epic love story about people who are trying to bring down the U.S. government. Dick Cheney was at opening night and pronounced it not helpful.

David Blaine set a world record on Oprah Winfrey's show for length of time holding his breath. He was dipped into a water-filled sphere and stayed underwater for over seventeen minutes. Finally they pulled him up and he told them where Osama was hiding.

Rush Limbaugh is urging his listeners to vote for Hillary Clinton to throw the Democratic contest into chaos. The cable news coverage is insanely slanted. Fox News did a story questioning whether or not John McCain is, in fact, a true conservative and CNN did a story questioning whether or not Barack Obama is, in fact, Jesus Christ.

Italy's outgoing government posted every Italian's tax returns on the Internet after getting beat last election. The government was enormously unpopular. People around Washington have suddenly begun wearing bracelets inscribed What Could Bush Do?


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio