Argus Hamilton's column for 5-28-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull opened Friday with Harrison Ford as a swashbuckling archaeologist. Everybody loves him. It gives people hope that gasoline prices will come down when they see somebody discovering dinosaur bones.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell declared that teams will be responsible for their player behavior. Old habits die hard. Three players knelt at the altar at church Sunday and tried to stuff a twenty dollar bill down the robe of their communion server.

Hillary Clinton said Tuesday she will carry her fight for Florida and Michigan delegates to the convention. Picture a riot on the floor between sexually abandoned older women and hillbillies going at it with nubile coeds and black militants. If Oprah Winfrey and Jerry Springer ever did a show together it would look just like this.

Dick Cheney gave the commencement speech to the graduating seniors at the Coast Guard Academy last Wednesday. He gave the entire speech wearing a ten-gallon cowboy hat. Horses haven't had a bad enough month, now people are riding them into the ocean.

Israel said Wednesday it's holding peace talks with Syria. The White House said it has no objections. The bell went off at the Associated Press teletype machine in every newsroom when it was announced the White House had no objections to peace talks.

United Parcel Service celebrated Big Brown being named for the UPS advertising slogan by starting a charity to aid horses. The Fed Ex slogan was never considered. Nobody will bet on any horse that's guaranteed to arrive by nine o'clock the next day.

The Los Angeles Lakers play the San Antonio Spurs and the Boston Celtics play the Detroit Pistons in NBA conference finals. The playoffs have been a long slog. Hillary Clinton was last seen telling the Cleveland Cavaliers we can still win this thing.

President Bush and Dick Cheney were reported on Tuesday to be urging an attack on Iran despite misgivings by aides and allies like Germany. Germany's opposition to the attack is worrisome. The Babe Ruth of war thinks it's unnecessarily aggressive.

President Bush vetoed the three hundred billion dollar farm bill Wednesday but Congress promptly overrode him. It is out of hand. Mitch McConnell got a six hundred thousand dollar subsidy just to pay the college kids in Lexington to stop growing pot.

Houston was attacked by Rasberry Crazy Ants Wednesday which arrived on a cargo ship. The ants swarm into electrical boxes and destroy all the wiring. The price of scrap metal being what it is nowadays, all the species are scavenging for survival.

NBC published a paperback book called To Catch a Predator to capitalize on the popularity of the NBC Dateline show hosted by Chris Hansen. It's no secret why the show is so tremendously popular. To Catch a Predator is American Idol for pedophiles.

The U.S. Court of Appeals said U.S. currency discriminates against the blind. They say they can't tell the difference between denominations. Even a blind person should be able to figure out the Baptists vote Republican and the Episcopalians vote Democrat.

Charles Barkley said he paid the four hundred thousand dollar debt to the Wynn hotel. He was finally able to come up with the money. It was a stroke of genius to tell the TNT audience to go to CharlesBarkley.com and give whatever they could.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio