Argus Hamilton's column for 5-25-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

John McCain laid off the fifth lobbyist on his campaign staff on Monday. He's even been accused of having an affair with a female lobbyist, but nobody bought it. He has reached the age where all the numbers in his little black book are urologists.

Charles Barkley was warned by Las Vegas prosecutors Friday to pay the gambling markers he owes the Wynn hotel. The last time he was in Las Vegas he called the Gamblers Anonymous hotline and said he had a gambling problem. He was holding an ace and a six.

Harrison Ford was honored by the Archaeological Institute of America Monday for playing Indiana Jones. He was mortified. In Hollywood the only thing worse for an actor than a Lifetime Achievement Award is attracting the attention of archaeologists.

The Tampa Bay Rays announced a financing plan Thursday for a new ballpark. The current stadium has a dome the color and shape of an orange, since Tropicana is the stadium sponsor. It was almost sponsored by Hooters but it's too near the airport.

Emily and Jacob were the most popular names for newborn babies in America last year, according to the government. How wise. If you don't want to risk your babies being adopted by Madonna or Angelina Jolie you have to give them proper English names.

The Jerusalem Post reported Tuesday President Bush wants to attack Iran before the end of his term in office. Iran is three times the size of Iraq, its nuclear facilities are hidden underground beneath thick concrete protection and the population is heavily pro-American. And you thought nothing could make the Iraq policy look good.

Barack Obama vowed his support for universal health care in America Monday. He admitted that private medical insurers will be reluctant to part with their high profit. Some HMO's are so stingy they send you to a schizophrenic for a second opinion.

Formula One president Max Mosley must face a disciplinary board in Paris next week. He was videotaped being spanked by five hookers dressed as Nazi soldiers. When he heard he was going before a disciplinary board he asked if they take traveler's checks.

The Commerce Department made plans on Monday to offer Americans prizes to fill out their census forms. How else can it be accurate? The last count raised eyebrows when it showed there's only two million Californians and all of them are twenty-three.

NBC's Law and Order aired an episode on Tuesday about a New York governor who's found to be a client of a Manhattan call girl ring. However, this is television. The whore-mongering governor doesn't go to jail, he gets spun off into his own series.

The Democratic Convention issued rules for Denver food vendors Monday that said no fried food may be served and that everything they serve must be freshly grown. This could be one wild convention. They only thing that's fresh in Colorado is Coors.

The U.N. Human Rights Commission went on a tour Tuesday to investigate racism in America. It's just unfair. It's not enough that Hillary's voters have to be ridiculed by NBC News anchors every night, now a U.N. commission is coming to take their inventory.

The Cannes Film Festival is held this week on France's Mediterranean coast. They are screening the year's upcoming movies. For two weeks a year this seaside resort becomes the world capital of greed, vanity and ego, and then it returns to Los Angeles.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio