Argus Hamilton's column for 5-2-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Mindy McCready admitted Monday she had an affair with Roger Clemens, whom she met when she was fifteen. She may have to testify during his defamation lawsuit. He swears he didn't have sex with her when she was fifteen but Annie Leibovitz has the pictures.

Miley Cyrus posed semi-nude for famed photographer Annie Leibovitz in the June issue of Vanity Fair. She held a satin sheet to her chest, exposing her back. No one can believe that Hannah Montana turned into Hannah Idaho before her sixteenth birthday.

Swiss chemist Albert Hoffman died at the age of one hundred and two Wednesday, famed for inventing LSD. The hallucinogenic had differing effects on Baby Boomers. Some took LSD and saw wild colors while others took the drug and saw weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

John Lennon's hand-written lyrics to Give Peace a Chance will be auctioned off at Christie's. He wrote the anti-war anthem thirty-nine years ago. It's such an early draft of the song it still bears the original title, Letting the Terrorists Win.

Hillary Clinton took the lead in Indiana polls Monday and she gained ground in North Carolina. She won't go away. The Secret Service protects her from any human harm, and as long as she keeps wearing yellow and red she will never get hit by a car.

Barack Obama's pastor Jeremiah Wright ignited a furor in Washington Monday. He said the U.S. invented AIDS to kill black people and the U.S. deserved the World Trade Center attack. Telling some guys to be yourself is the worst advice you can give them.

Barack Obama divorced himself from his minister Jeremiah Wright on Tuesday. The minister baptized the candidate twenty years ago. It wouldn't be the last time that guys with Arab middle names had their heads held underwater by men who talked to God.

Reverend Jeremiah Wright was accused Monday of sabotaging Barack Obama because a racially divided country serves his purposes. It's true. Yesterday he was offered a lifeguard's job at Pacific Beach because he's always on the lookout for Great Whitey.

Iraq announced it'll make seventy billion dollars in oil profits this year. U.S. taxpayers continue to fund Iraq's defense and rebuilding. Americans don't feel safer in their homes knowing Saddam Hussein is dead, they are losing their homes either way.

Hillary Clinton held a photo-op on the high price of gas Wednesday at a South Bend gas station. She was followed by a Secret Service motorcade of six Suburbans, two squad cars and an SUV full of photographers. The next morning she got a FedEx envelope containing a nice photograph of King Faisal naming her Customer of the Month.

President Bush sent two aircraft carriers to the Persian Gulf Tuesday to send Iran a message. The administration played down concerns, saying the deployment is merely part of regularly scheduled exercises. We start a war there every five years.

President Bush greeted the New York Giants at the White House on Wednesday. He recited a detailed recap of the team's entire season off the top of his head from memory. Every morning the CIA briefs him on what games might be blacked out this week.

Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern visited Washington Wednesday just days ahead of leaving office. He knows something about food shortages. In the 1840s, a million Irish moved to America when the British Navy learned how to make wind out of potatoes.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio